Healing From a Toxic Relationship

"If it is destroying you, it is not love." Unknown

Moving on after a toxic relationship can feel almost impossible.

Questions, hurt, and confusion swirl around your mind, creating an emotional maelstrom that seems to never abate.

In the weeks (and maybe even months) following the break-up, you're a wreck: Although the relationship itself was toxic, it's poison has seeped into your veins - all of those negative emotions don't simply vanish the moment the relationship ends. If anything, the break-up will only stir them back into vicious life.

All the pain, and bewilderment you experienced whilst together is only going to be amplified in the immediate aftermath of the break-up.

However, you're not alone.

Take even the most cursory look online, and you'll see an endless supply of articles about 'Toxic Relationships.' Sadly, many of us seemed to have experienced one.

And, more happily, many of us have recovered from one.

It's a grueling, demanding process. But, if you heed the following five pieces of advice, it can be done.

1. Give yourself time.

If you think you're going to able to jump back on Tinder after a few months, you need to think again.

I don't necessarily think that 'rebound' relationships are destined to fail; the grieving process varies from person to person, from relationship to relationship. Sometimes you are ready to dip your feet back in the dating pond a short while after breaking up with someone.

But that's NOT the case after the end of a toxic relationship.

It's not just the break-up itself you need time to recover from; you need time to recover from the relationship itself. You may not be fully aware of it in the immediate aftermath, but - as the weeks roll on - you'll begin to see just how damaged you are.

For toxic relationships exact a heavy toll.

They do so in a myriad of ways.

The first is in the amount of energy and effort they consume.

One of the hallmarks of a toxic relationship, is an absence of reciprocity: They are notoriously one-sided. The chances are that you put in an effort your partner did not return. Maybe you turned up for them, but they never did for you; perhaps you prioritized them but they treated you as if you were disposable.

Whatever actually happened, you're depleted: You've given a lot out but got little back in return.

A friend once said to me that being in a toxic relationship is like having a Dementor from Harry Potter as a room-mate. For those of you who have never experienced the adventures of the boy-wizard, the Dementors guard the fearsome prison who evil sorcerers are imprisoned. They're powerful, supernatural entities, who suck the life out of those around them.

A toxic relationship is the equivalent of a Dementor: Experiencing one leaves you drained of any positive emotion, of energy, of motivation. It's still probably the best analogy of a toxic relationship I've ever come across.

However, metaphors aside, the real-life result is that it's going to take time (lots of time) to refuel all those things the relationship has siphoned out of you.

The second way is in the level of emotional damage they inflict on your self-esteem.

Toxic partners belittle, invalidate, and abandon - you may not be conscious of the effect of all of that immediately after the break-up, but you will be as your emotional attachment to that partner loosens its hold. As the months roll on, you'll begin to see just how ridiculous it was; the lesson you learn to never tolerate such behavior again is a priceless one.

However, in the short-term, you can't pretend that the cumulative effect of a prolonged period of being told, and shown, that you simply didn't matter hasn't damaged you. It has. Deeply.

Feeling worthless after leaving a toxic relationship is a common feeling, but a perfectly understandable one - if you weren't good enough for the person you loved, how can you be good enough for anyone? Questions like that have a way of seeping into your soul, of hitting right to the heart of any emotional wounds you already had.

The truth is, you were always good enough. As a living, breathing human being, you will always be enough. But you won't see that to begin with. You weren't enough, and that wound needs a lot time to heal.

Re-building your self-esteem is a long, long process. You'll tell yourself you are enough every day - but it'll take months before you finally believe it.

The final legacy of toxic relationships is that they colour your view of relationships and 'love' as a whole. Whether you are simply unable to trust again, or have just become utterly cynical about the whole subject, you'll need a lot of time to realize that not all relationships will be like 'that' one.

They're not. But, until that negativity or cynicism has abated, you need to restore both your faith in humanity, and in you as a whole.

Overall, those three things will take ages to dissipate. So, don't beat yourself if your journey is a slow one; be patient. The poison leaves you bit by bit. Day-by-day.

And that poison will dissipate. It will. That person you didn't think you could live without looks a very different person six months later. Trust the journey.

You're going to have to go through Hell, but you will get through it.

However, in the meantime...

2. Don't reach out, and go full No Contact.

You're not doing this to spite them; you're doing it for your own self-preservation. Healing the wounds caused by that relationship is going to be a long, painful journey anyway; reminders of them is only to go prolong that.

You need space, emotionally, mentally, and physically; you need a barrier between them and you. Employ those 'Delete' and 'Block' buttons. If they don't like it, so what? It's not your job the help them grieve, and heal; that's on them.

Your only responsibility is your own recovery. And 'looking' at them isn't going to help.

We've all cyber-stalked our exes, but it's really something that has to be avoided if the relationship was toxic. Whatever you see is going to trigger you, and pull you back.

And if you're looking for answers, or any acknowledgement the pain they caused you? It's not going to happen. If they were okay with treating you badly whilst together, it's futile to seek answers why after the event: Their actions are all the answers you need.

What happened whilst you were together is the important part; don't look for any closure afterwards. At least, not from them.

Closure falls on you.

So, how?

The trick, if there is one, is to move away from 'them' and onto 'you.'

It's easy, when you're caught in the middle of the emotional hurricane that is a break-up from a toxic relationship, to fixate on the former partner. Especially if they've done something morally reprehensible. And, to a certain extent, you do have to.

But, only for as long as you need to in order to let them go. And one way to do that is...

3. Negative Re-appraisal.

This simply involves making a list of the times they hurt you, and the qualities you don't like about them. I did this; it's a good list. It's a long list. It works. Whenever I am feeling maudlin' about them, pining like a love-struck teenager, I look at this. Suddenly, I'm okay.

And, really, that's it as far as 'they' are concerned.

Trust me - from this point on, you honestly don't need to give them any more of your valuable mental energy.

It's time to...

4. Put the Focus Back on You.

And that starts with a potentially awkward question:

What did you do that contributed to what happened?

Now, if the other person really hurt you, this is not about mitigating their mistakes. We're adults - one person's mistakes don't act as justification for another's. It's simply a case of admitting the things you've got wrong.

Why does this work? Why is this such a productive thing to do? Because it's a chance to learn, and grow. It's an opportunity to take what was a horrible experience, and transform it into something positive. It gives you things to work on, and become a better person.

The list of things I saw about me was just as long as the list I'd made about them. If anything, it ended up being longer.

There's too many to discuss in one article, so I'll just give you one: Many (not all, but more than a few) difficult periods in that relationship directly coincided with a time when my own self-confidence had dipped.

Was that the sole factor in things becoming hard? No, of course not - it was a relationship; there's never, ever just one thing in play. But, it was there; if I was struggling with my own self-esteem, so did the relationship.

Had I seen that? Of course, I hadn't. But I did now.

But, that then started the wheels turning in my head. And, taking that further, I also saw how fragile my self-esteem was as a whole. To be honest, I have none. And it wasn't just with regard to my relationship; it was in every aspect of my life. Personally and professionally, my confidence was at an historic all-time low.

There was no greater sign that trying to re-build my self-confidence had to be one of my priorities. Not simply of terms of relationships, to be honest, I'm sure I ever want to be in another one, but in my life as a whole.

It's uncomfortable looking at your flaws, but it's a sure way to help that poison on its way.

As does trying...

5. Something new.

Our brains are remarkably suggestible. Thanks to neuro-plasticity, over time, we can 'trick' it into believing anything. Yes - there's an element of fake it until you make it here, but if you really want to convince yourself you're moving away from the 'old' (such as the toxic relationship), there's no better way to do so than to fill your life with 'new' things.

All of the 'old' stuff in your life might have links (and therefore, triggers) to the relationship - the 'new' stuff won't. This is the time to take up a new hobby, or start a new project, or - even more simply - just change your daily routine. I've decided to launch the blog I've been planning for months - throwing myself into that has been a wonderfully positive distraction.

No, this is not the time to make a major life-change: You're still grieving, and that is going to have an influence. Don't move to a different country, or quit your job as an administration assistant and become a zoo-keeper - you'll have a chance to do all that a year from now when your mind is not addled with hurt.

Do something productive, and that's good for your mental well-being. Something that possibly revolves around meeting new people, or learning a new skill that will boost your self-confidence (remember, that's taken a Hell of a beating).

Those 'new' things will negate the pain of the 'old' ones. And, eventually, the pleasure those 'new' things bring you will outweigh the hurt of the 'old.'

One day, it won't hurt at all. Trust me, it won't.

Time does heal all wounds.

Let it.

That Dementor is still knocking around inside you - the exorcism is a long-winded one. Be patient. Be kind to yourself.

You’ll get there. All you need is time, sprinkled with a lot of self-care.

You’ll do it. And you’ll be a far better person afterwards.

You’ve got this.

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