Growing Up

​Isolated: having minimal contact or little in common with others. This is also the word to describe the harsh, gut retching, feeling when your parents exit your college dorm. From the moment you enter this universe of disappointment you’re shielded, protected, and covered with the unfaltering rays of love from your parents. There’s no more nostalgic feeling than the faint memories of strong hands lifting you from the grasping clutches of the couch after an evening spent in a sugar high before your inevitable retreat to said couch. You spend your first 18 years of life taking advantage of the minuscule things, such as public school. That education you resented was a luxury, not just because it was free but because that was the first taste of friendship gratis of your parents’ persuasion. No “Tommy is such a nice boy. Susan comes from a great family.” Just you, a common space, and hundreds of irritant teens wandering the halls, alienated from the rest of society for seven dreadful hours a day. When you realized being alone was horrendous, only then did you begin to make connections with these similar beings. That precisely how I met him.

​After sobbing in my room, for what seemed to last decades, I drifted down into the cafeteria also known as The Mix. It’s a busy place infested by students who appear to have just left a club, despite it being noon. I cautiously approached a table where my roommate sat picking apart a salad, one familiar face was more refreshing than the “gush and go” water breaks during marching band. We made small talk as I glanced over and observed a boy sitting alone, unsure how my roommate would react to me inviting him over I focused my attention back to my tray.

“Why don’t you ask him to join us” prompts my roommate.

Without hesitation I ask “Hey you wanna sit here.” With no response I thought to myself, he must be ignoring me. My roommate urges me to speak louder, I have no idea what possessed me to do so but I obeyed.

“Hey, would you like to sit with us?” I speak up. He swiftly turns towards me with a crooked grin set below beautiful green eyes.

“I’d love to” he remarks as he sets himself in the extra chair to my right. He’s unconventionally handsome, with his small frame and lanky body extended below his amiable face. Throughout our short lunch we talked about our majors and hometowns, he mentioned he was from Virginia.

Listening to him speak was like the natural high you get after a nap, his words put me in a trance. It came all too soon, the moment he sat a little straighter before informing us of his departure.

“Thank you for inviting me over, I’ll see you ladies around.” He spoke, but my roommate Logan jumped in before he could make his getaway.

“Why don’t you two exchange numbers or something?” To my pleasure he whipped out his phone, through my embarrassment I gritted my teeth and took his phone to add him on snapchat.

“This is like networking, you reach out and connect with people so one day when you need something you have contacts.” God even this simple sentence was causing a hurricane inside me, he just had this air about him. While I was excited to have received his contact information I was sure I’d never hear from him again, so I was gloomy as I watched him about-face and stride off. With a goofy grin on my face I turned to face Logan and we headed back to our room, her satisfied with her lunch and me repeating one name in my head. Jay.

​After some rearranging of our room, light conversation and awkward pauses in conversation I heard my phone ding. Assuming it was my family, already missing me, I leaped to grasp my phone. To my surprise my phone read “new friend” on snapchat. I opened it to reveal the name DamnO flash across my screen, in utter confusion I closed my phone and went back to my conversation with Logan. BaDing, my phone chirped with that familiar snapchat sound. DamntO’s name appeared again, this time he had messaged me. Cautiously I opened the message to see that striking face from lunch pop up on my screen, “nice to meet you.” Jay had written.

My hurt lurched, over excited with this minuscule gesture. With no idea how to respond I smoothly replied “yeah you too.” Joyfully I returned to assist Logan in putting together her cable box, or attempting to. After many attempts and 30 minutes later, we surrendered unsure of how to make the damned thing work. Logan face timed her boyfriend Matt, he did all he could but it just wasn’t working. Then something popped into my head, rather someone, Jay was a sophomore. Excited to just message him I scrambled for my phone, ecstatic.

Within minutes that ding I grew fond of went off, he was prepared to help us figure out how to connect the contraption. I tried sending pictures and explaining what we had connection but through the phone we couldn’t figure out where we went wrong.

“Do you think you could sneak me in?” he inquires, knowing we couldn’t have visitors from other dorms yet.

“No, they’ve been pretty strict about checking IDs.” I glumly admit. With the offer to sneak, in my head was dizzy, filling with endorphins. Jay had this effect on me, one I couldn’t quite explain. There was a familiarity in him, a sense of belonging I got in the short time we’d spoken. It was as if I had lost a favorite toy as a child, and it appeared in front of me. I felt a strange connection to him.

“Did you connect the cord to the hole that says +5v?” Jay messages back, interrupting my thoughts.

I check and change the wire to the correct spot, after a scratchy pop I hear voices interrupt the silence in the room. He did it; he helped us connect the cable box.

“You’re literally the bomb!” I hurriedly reply. Immediately I regret it, how childish do I sound? The bomb? That was so 2014. It was too late though, I had sent it. Ding, chimes my phone. Timidly I check my messages, he had answered. That’s a good sign I thought to myself, he could have just chuckled at my foolish message.

“Anytime ;)” Jay replies. Ugh, I’m ashamed at my lapse in judgment when I sent that message. He was just polite enough to bless me with a response. I put my phone away, not wanting to further embarrass myself, and lay down realizing how late it was.

​I wake with a start, fear grasping my heart. Where am I? As my eyes settle I come to the realization I’m in my dorm, I smile to myself. I peek over and see Logan is also awake, feverishly typing to whomever. We decide to run downstairs and grab some breakfast, starting our long day with the first thing on every college students mind, food.

​After a mediocre breakfast I’m feeling excellent, my first full day at my new home was ahead of me. I had been waiting in anticipation all summer for this new experience. College is supposed to be the time of your life, the freedom, the boys, the lack of judgment, it was supposed to be liberating. The previous day had been less then satisfactory, until I met Jay. Jay, he had been on my mind that morning. I was picturing his handsome face sitting up with a smirk, swaggering down to The Mix and grabbing his breakfast. Even these simple things were so perfect in my head; he had really taken a toll on me.

​I snap out of it when I hear my phone buzz on the desk beside me, stretching over I switch the screen on to reveal that name I’d grown so fond of seeing. DamnO has sent me a snapchat. My chest fluttered, a warm blush rising to my cheeks.

​“Good morning.” He had simply sent, not wanting to reply too fast I texted my parents a brief hello and I love you.

​I replied an easy good morning back; I refuse to incriminate myself any further by sending childish messages like the previous day. I don’t remember much of what was said after that, we just had a light conversation. I remember the feeling though, I was at ease. Through my first week in college Jay and I would continue to have these talks. Close your eyes and imagine a cool fall day, there’s children playing in the leaves. You hear them giggling as a dog lunges into the pile with them. It makes a crunching sound as it frolics through the burnt orange, timid yellow, and rusty red leaves. The peace you feel in that moment is the calmness that over took my body when I texted Jay.

​I had yet to see him again that initial week, but we texted every day. I’d wait every morning for those good morning messages to brighten my day. I wanted to, had to, see him soon. That was when news got out that we’d be evacuating for the hurricane. We both went our separate ways, me back home to Vero, him up to Orlando with a friend. Throughout the extensive week long stay at home we stayed in contact. I couldn’t wait to get back to college to see this boy I barely knew. He was constantly asking me questions about myself. He made me feel important, and special, in ways no one had in a long time. This was beyond a little crush; I was more than interested in him. I admired him.

The careful and calculated way he spoke, yet there were rarely gaps in his speech. He didn’t seem to think too much into anything he said, but every word that escaped his lips was purposeful. No word was out of place, he didn’t stutter. He knew what he wanted to say and he spewed it out. If you could compare his speech to one thing in this universe it’d be a waterfall. Words poured out of his mouth, a strong and steady stream never stopping until reaching its final destination. Once it slapped the water, or in this case reached my ears, it rested there as if satisfied with its journey. Much like a waterfall all I could do was marvel at what I’d just witnessed. His speech was beautiful, because his mind was beautiful. Never before had I enjoyed just listening to a person talk, but that was effect of Jay.

​On my way back to my dorm in North Miami I could hardly contain my excitement. Only two hours away from Jay, and then maybe I’d work up the courage to invite him over. I texted him the whole way back, hoping and praying he’d ask me to hang out first. I was a school girl again, waiting for the “cool girls” to accept me into their clique. Except this time I was already in and too afraid to make the move in person. Jay had to be interested, he constantly contacted me first initiating conversation. That was a sure sign, right?

I rushed to my room and unpacked my bag, excitement tingling in my body to know I was so close to him. I started to paint flowers on my chef knife kit, trying to waste time because I was too intimidated to ask Jay if he was interested in seeing me. I continued our snapchatting, telling him what I was doing,

“I’m soooo bored.” He replies to one of my many messages. Was this an invitation? Did he want me to invite him over? It was now or never, this was my opening.

“Well if you can paint flowers feel free to join me, I’ve got plenty more I need to finish marking before tomorrow.” I sassily say. I really didn’t care if he even had the slightest idea of how to paint. I just wanted to see him.

“Send me your room number” He shot back. I had a smile growing ear to ear. He was coming, I couldn’t believe it. Jay, this amazing boy, was about to be in my room, with me. I changed quickly into something more casual, light sun bleached holey jeans and a jet black v neck. I sat and nervously waited for this walking novel of a boy, to get there.

​He texted me asking me to sign him in downstairs, I rush to the elevator. I could have taken the stairs with the tremendous amount of energy I felt, all four flights. I step out and approach the front desk as he turns around and grins. God I love that lopsided mouth of his. It fits him perfectly. I sign him in and we retreat back to my room, he politely asks if it’s okay to sit on my bed. I have very little furniture in my dorm. We sit opposite each other, with all my paint and knives in between us, talking about our time away due to the hurricane.

​Never in my life have I been short of words, but listening to him was like hearing your favorite song play after a long day working. I was afraid to speak and interrupt the trance he had me in.