Grief

I've learned over the years that grief is a complex emotion.

It's not the same for everyone, and it certainly isn't linear.

My first solid memory of experiencing grief was when my dad's mother passed away. It's been years, and I can't quite capture the salient feelings that were associated. I just remember sitting at the table in my mom's kitchen crying, and my friends working together to help me book a ticket and make arrangements to fly up for her funeral.

Losing my friend is a much more recent loss. We'd worked together for a couple of years, one of them spent co-teaching. I saw her the day she was admitted to the hospital, on a Monday, and she was gone by Friday. I couldn't reconcile having just seen her to facing her loss within a week.

When the principal sent the students outside that Friday with the paraeducators and called all of the teachers into the media center, I think that we already knew that it wasn't good news. Still, the announcement of her passing sent everyone into shock; some sobbing silently, most reaching for tissues and each other. I wasn't sure how I'd be able to finish the day with my students, but thankfully, other teachers who knew how close I was to her advocated to the assistant principal to find me coverage and send me home.

I cried most of the way home and cried myself to sleep that afternoon. I struggled to complete my weekend routines because the grief that covered me was so heavy. She was my confidant, my support in teaching math, the person I bounced ideas off of when planning and teaching. I heard the comforting words from my friends and family, but none of them truly got through to me. I was walking around in a daze, and almost dreaded going back to school the next Monday.

I struggled through Monday and Tuesday - many of the sweet kids noticed and wrote me cards and sweet messages, and constantly were checking on me, so it was a bit easier for me to make it through. Then we found out that her memorial service was going to be on Wednesday. My birthday.

It was even harder to make it through when I remembered that, the last day that I saw her, I'd told my friend that my birthday was next week and she immediately wished me a happy early birthday.

I almost managed to get through the memorial until I heard a video of her playing. Hearing her voice broke the dam, knowing that I'd never hear it again.

It took a long time for me to think of her or see her picture without crying; even that Saturday, when a couple of friends and I celebrated my birthday, I was still extremely subdued.

I'm reminded of this particular instance of grief because it made me more attuned to the grief around me when I lost my grandmother.

I'm drafting this entry on March 4 - my grandmother's birthday, and almost a year to the day that we lost her.

While it wasn't as sudden and unexpected as my friend's, her loss was still a shock. My grandmother had been through so many surgeries, procedures, and appointments and was still going strong. So to hear that she was gone threw everyone for a loop.

It was hardest on my mother, her only child, who she talked to daily. Watching my mother go through her grief, especially on this day, reminded me of how it is a different journey for everyone.

My grief was different even than it was for losing my friend. I'm named after my grandmother - Janis - and I always felt a connection to her from that alone. But she was an incredible woman. A nurse, a church mother, and so much more. She was always full of wisdom, whether telling me to be careful of who I'm dating or giving me a pep talk before taking my ACT.

"Go with your first mind," She advised. (I now pass this advice along to my students before testing.)

As with my friend, I can still hear her voice in my head, and it makes me teary-eyed.

Today at work was hard. In addition to the regular hard of teaching, I was checking on my mom while also recognizing the feelings of grief that I still have over Grandma's loss. I'm grateful for my stepfather being there for my mom while she experiences this, and I'm grateful to my friends and boyfriend for being there to support me, both when we lost Grandma and now.

Tomorrow will be another day. The grief doesn't disappear, but it lingers. Knowing that is a good step to moving forward.

"Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone; his own burden in his own way." - Anne Morrow Lindbergh