Today I noticed how sweet the air was and how it rejuvenated my strangely fatigued body. Today I noticed that today was the third day I have felt physically tired. Today I noticed the sunshine peeking through my bedroom blinds, pleading with me to wake up and play with today...I noticed that the sun’s rays shone on my inability to let go. I noticed that I continue to fault myself for whatever has ended in disarray before, after, and today. I noticed that I refuse to share blame, or I don’t know how to, or I don’t believe I deserve to. Today I noticed that I have a deeper fear. A fear I never thought possible. Today I asked myself, “Am I a good person? Am the light that everybody proclaims that I am? Am I really a lover? Or sadly just a lover of the idea of love? So that would reduce me to a mere romantic? Which is a term we often use fictionally in this day and age. So does that also make me somewhat of a fraud - a figment of fiction...inauthentic, not as true-blue as I once thought I was before I noticed otherwise today. But then I asked myself, is anyone really true-blue? Because most of the time, what we see at face-value, is not what we get when we dig below the surface. And then sadly, we either run, or we hide. But real, authentic human beings are made up of many layers - complexity may feel undesired or unloved but it does not mean that one who is more complex deserves love any less. Today I noticed that I am true-blue but in a different kind of way - I am a palette of not just one blue, but numerous notes of blue. My hues of blue vary with every passing day, creating a painting that can be confusing to the outsider’s eye, but my canvas is just as inviting, I assure you. I only want to welcome love in my life. But, today, for the first time, I noticed that I don’t know how to love. Or maybe I do. Maybe it’s just a little displaced - a little fragmented. A little insecure in how my vessel of love should go about unfolding. Because what you may feel and see when you are around me, is exactly what the world greeted me with upon waking up this morning - the sunshine - a warm glow, an essence so sweet, an ora so yellow, so golden. Yet, if you look at the canvas that follows in my footsteps, something doesn’t match up. So in short, today was the day I noticed that what I have for you, what I choose to give to you, I struggle to give to myself. In elementary school, we learned what happens when you mix different colors together. Apparently, when you mix yellow and blue, two colors I am very familiar with, you get green. Green is not only a color - it means a plethora of things. It is like glass or emeralds. It is the space we see that is covered with trees. It is the definition of exploration, of innocence, of raw nature, of growth, the onset of harmony and fruitfulness, creativity and spirituality, fear of safety and security, so of fragility, but my favorite...new beginnings. So maybe my two sides, one igniting yellow, and one insecurely blue, amount to something seemingly beautiful - I am capable of love. I’m just green at it right now. And there is nothing wrong with being green at something, especially something as profound as love. Because love is something that must be explored, must grow, must be feared, must be fragile, in order for it to be the most magical thing that I believe ever existed on Earth.
Today I noticed that I am a dreamer...a day dreamer. I have these visions, vibrant and alluring. I see myself wearing bold color clothing - the kind of clothing that might make a special someone stop in his tracks for just a hot New York minute. I envision myself dancing with my pal, Michael, in several city spots, spreading our joy with every move we make, giving our city folk something to smile about, making them actually stop in a city that moves so fast, helping them reserve time to rest in a city that never sleeps. I paint out the picture of the moment I meet the one - my person. I’ve decided that I want to meet him in the most ordinary, yet most extraordinary way. Boy, am I confusing. But do you understand what I am getting at? Those moments that are just incomparable because of how beautiful, rare, once in a lifetime they are. Lately, I have this feeling that his name is going to be Sam. “Soph and Sam, Sam and Soph”. No cozier couple than that. Ahhh I make myself giggle. And with that dissertation on my to-be fairytale, today I noticed that I am ridiculous! Moving on... I see myself riding the subway, ears enlightened and soul afire from the music playing through my headphones or nose deep into a new book. Music, reading - fine escapes, I must say. An escape from one reality to the next and the reason I am hesitant to say “fantasy” is because I question if “fantasies” truly exist. I mean, everything is founded in some sort of truth, correct? And while other people’s realities may seem like a fantasy to you, those “other people”, more often than not, feel the same way but about your reality. We all wish for what we don’t have but we learn to be content with what we do have. I am the least materialistic, trying to edge to the extreme of minimalistic. Today I noticed that I feel embarrassed by how little I want. Love. That’s it. And whatever else may come my way, then I know those unasked blessings were meant to be present in my life. Today I noticed how full, how rich, my life is. Today I noticed how many people have walked out on me and how I still pray for them and pray for them to come back. Today I noticed who my people are. Today I noticed how I couldn’t do this thing called life without my people and how special those people are. Today I noticed that I already have what I want. Love. Now it’s time to let that love grow.
Today I noticed that I felt incredibly motivated, yet it was hard for me to get out of bed. How does that make any sense? It doesn’t. Or, it does. Is the fear of this new surge of creativity somewhat stilling. I haven’t felt that sweet surge in quite some time. And during this time, I have felt stuck. Mind clouded with thoughts that bring up any bit of resentment or lack of forgiveness I have not towards others, but I have towards myself. I wake up every morning encouraging myself the best I can to stay in the moment. To stray away from the confines of my past, kind of like how my body feels confined and judged by the walls of a store’s dressing room. And then to steer clear of too far ahead into my future, which makes my thoughts stir even more. Exactly what is my future? How can I really know what is going to happen down the line? I don’t know at all and yes, that scares me, but also excites me, and lately, my ideas how what I once dreamed my future would like seem to have faded into the blank canvas of a night sky, where I see every star as a new possible opportunity, passion, or path to explore, to expound on. So maybe my future hasn’t necessarily faded, but rather it is shining brighter. Maybe I am finally making room for things far greater than I once dreamed or things that I never thought I would be capable of. So maybe I didn’t jump out of bed this morning because I was stilled by this newfound feeling that I am finding so hard to put to words. Something is different today. I noticed myself getting choked up reading that previous statement for all days were beginning to feel the same. So this morning may have marked a new beginning, the kind of “beginning” that means I will not have to start over, but continue moving forward. I notice that I actually feel something other than numb in this moment. The wishing well, I like to call it. That rush of a million little things that I just can not put my finger on. Maybe it is the rush of Him. Maybe this is the beginning of living Loved.