Green Eyed Monster

Chrissy made a habit of making a play for other people’s husbands......

or boyfriends. She wasn’t actually interested in them, or only in so far as she reckoned she could give them something their wife or girlfriend couldn’t and she certainly seemed to enjoy the chase.

ONLY HOLDING HANDS

Right now I was watching her stroll across the dimly lit dance floor, holding my husband’s hand...

Knowing she wasn’t really interested in him and that she was just playing didn’t help me at all. I watched her look into my husband’s eyes, as if he was the most fascinating person that ever existed, and he was clearly besotted. He had spoken to me about her before in an admiring tone. Frequently. She was attractive certainly... far more so than me, or at least I believed so at that time. There was no question that my self esteem was in the toilet. Do you know something though? I didn’t care so much that they held hands..but I cared they were.. oblivious to me, and the fact I was made to witness it. I guess it was probably pretty harmless, but I did NOT WANT to see!

DISREGARD

Chrissy was a feisty redhead... with fine features, alabaster skin and a chronic chain smoking habit. There wasn’t a man in our group of friends that wasn’t enchanted by her. She knew her basic psychological tricks, of that there was no doubt. The most notable thing was that she was only interested in men that were already “taken.” Single guys could not get a look in. And of course plenty tried.

PERSISTENT

The next time I was to hear about , and at least this time not see... Chrissy was a few weeks later. She was going to be “all alone” on her birthday... this sad fate was going to be averted as she had “bumped into” my husband in the street near his workplace ... and had told him all about how she’d been let down by everyone... and he of course had readily offered to accompany her for a drink.

ER, HELLO?

Did I, his wife get to have an opinion on this? ... sure, but whatever my thoughts on the matter might be they would not be taken into account. How could I not feel sympathy for poor Chrissy, after all it was her birthday for goodness sake. Also it was only a drink... ok, so why couldn’t I come along then? Strangely enough I didn’t actually want to, I found Chrissy grating and yet again I did not want to bear witness to their no doubt excruciating antics.

A REALITY CHECK

It was probably around that time that I realised that whether the same was true for my husband or not, the chemistry between us, for me was definitely waning. If he had been trying to get my attention by flirting in a hard core manner with the universally desirable Chrissy... it had the opposite effect. It was a turn off, it made me see him as pathetic. He had plenty of good qualities... but I was now not able to see these... only that he was trying to get my attention or teach me some kind of lesson. The only lesson I was receiving was that I was worthless.

I hated the feelings this situation was bringing up... jealousy ... I guess that it was ,but not quite... but as jealousy is feeling threatened by a third party in your relationship... I felt it was more...that there was nothing ....absolutely nothing I could ever do to compete with Chrissy, her confidence, her beauty... it actually put me in mind of the song “Jolene”...except I felt strangely unmoved by the prospect of my man being taken... just because she could.

I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL

I think Chrissy shone a light on the cracks in that relationship... which was one that had been taken too seriously, too soon. My husband in fact believed that he was doing me a favour by not responding more to Chrissy ... he seemed somewhat oblivious that she was really playing a game... I hated her at the time but I suppose she did me a favour in that she made me realise I needed to get my self esteem out of the gutter. Reflecting on those times... I guess she actually had esteem problems herself... after all WHY would single guys never get a chance with her... I suppose the prospect of her own relationship was too terrifying for her. I wonder why?

I never heard how Chrissy’s life evolved in the following years ... only that in fact it ended prematurely.

NOW

Many things shifted and changed for me over the years and ultimately I remarried and I’m much happier. I still loathe the feeling of jealousy or more accurately not feeling good enough. My current husband never behaves in a way to elicit these feelings but in my dealings with friends and colleagues, the green eyed monster has struck sometimes with such force that I have to move away, when perhaps I should be confronting ...why? I guess I have more work to do on my self esteem and possibly my sense of melodrama. But for me, and perhaps it goes back to the days of Chrissy’s games .. a more uncomfortable emotional churn I have yet to experience and will strenuously avoid a situation where I’m made to feel anything like it.