From Love to Horror

In romantic movies, girls get swept off their feet—a conflict would arise and it gets resolved. The story then sort of re-starts and the girl gets swept off their feet again, but this time, it ends with a happy ending.

In an abusive relationship, that's not how it happens.

From the stories that I have heard, books that I have read, movies that I've seen, and from my personal experience, an abusive relationship slowly unveils itself.

When I was 18, someone very charming who seemed to have had everything that I could want in a partner, had swept me off my feet. Things that I didn't know I wanted in somebody, I found out because of my previous partner. To be clear, this was my second relationship, and by the term 'abusive' this relationship started with psychological and emotional abuse, and at some point had reached physical abuse. And because this person seemed 'perfect' for me, I had always created a romantic excuse inside my head, as to why our circumstances became the way it was.

Here are some of the 'minor' early signs that I had chosen to ignore and/or justify during the relationship:

Extreme Jealousy:

"I trust you, I just don't trust everybody else."

This line was the one used on me by my ex-partner, while we were together on multiple occasions. Coming from the same group of friends, my partner and I were aware of which of our friends had initially shown a romantic interest in each other before our relationship. And although all of our friends had been respectful of our romantic decisions, my partner did not like it whenever I was with our friends alone. And this included myself going on a shopping/girl day with my best friend.

My partner had never uttered the words, "You're not allowed to see them," or anything along those lines, but did express extreme unhappiness whenever I did. We would end up fighting, my feelings and commitment to the relationship being questioned. Eventually, I decided that it would be best for our relationship if we only saw our friends when we were together.

This jealousy extended to other minimal social acts such as:

• Ordering food from a waiter
• Messaging my friends about anything at all
• Sitting next to someone else for 'way too long,' and many more.

If we end up fighting about any of these, my partner retracts, becomes overly sweet, and would do something new and kind to surprise me. The line would then be said once again: "I trust you, just not everyone else."

I kept on understanding it, until one day I realized I no longer socialized with anyone else. I would make sure that when I spoke to a waiter, I only take my order without any hint of friendliness. I would say hi to people at get-togethers and immediately go back next to my partner.

Guilt-Trips

"I love you, everyone else is boring me,"

"I'd rather spend time with you than see them."

"Am I not enough? Am I boring you?"

These were some of the lines used whenever I would encourage my partner to hang out with friends without me. I thought that this could be a way for us to have social lives outside of each other. It did not work. Instead I would feel guilty for wanting to socialize with other people, since I was already more than enough for my partner. I should feel the same way right?

Frankly, I rarely enjoyed those things, but after voluntarily caging ourselves in the relationship during the 'honeymoon' phase, I missed my friends and family, and wanted to spend time with them. Little did I know that we were setting a 'routine' or 'standard' of how our relationship was going to be. We had isolated ourselves from everyone else.

This relationship lasted for almost two years. The changes happened and had gotten worse for a very long time. It was very subtle and unnoticeable until one day, the reality of how different it was had smacked us both in our faces.

This relationship had started very open in terms of communication. I felt safe and loved. Slowly, our relationship's core became ownership and control. Partially, it may have been my fault, because I had allowed this to happen. I had let my emotions get the best of me, and I hoped that we would go back to 'normal' without realizing that, that was it.

In a healthy relationship, it should be okay to see your friends. You should be allowed to have conversations with other people. You should be allowed to leave your home without your partner. You should be allowed to keep your relationships with your friends and family.

Being in love is not enough to nurture a relationship. Trust and respect should always exist.