Friendship and Family

For a while now I've been feeling like I am only able to share one side of myself with friends and family. The previous version of who I was, before my spiritual journey where I'm no longer religious and am now just spiritual. That's really the only space carved out for me. Everytime a discussion comes up about something they heard and I comment on, sharing my experience and truth, is another time where their energy changes, they start acting as if they're uncomfortable, they often times come off the phone abruptly or have nothing to say in response or make sarcastic comments poking fun. Just an awkwardness that fills the phone lines.

Due to this, I've not brought it up or shared much of myself. This has been the recurring theme for the past decade of my life and slowly I feel as though I'm outgrowing the standard check-ins, the feeling of isolation, the feeling of being misunderstood and the elephant that's in the room is now restless.

I find myself asking, how can they say they care about me, love me for who I truly am if they're not willing to get to know this side of me which has impacted my life to the point where some days it feels like my jouney is tied to my purpose. Is it even possible; because I don't think so. By no means am I saying that they have to believe the same things I do because they don't. I respect their spiritual paths and that's what provides me with the ability to maintain the relationships I have with them. Everyone around me is christian and I once was too, so I know that life and know it well.

However, what about my life. What about how I feel about certain things. How about what do I believe in. As my friend, my family, how can they not take interest in that, and leave space for discussing, yet in the same breath say "I love you".

I won't say I know them completely either, but I try. I ask questions to get to know them. I spark discussions that relate to their view of the world, without making it an interrogation. Is it selfish for me to want the same. The part of me speaking the loudest says no. I've realized, there's nothing wrong about how I feel. This has caused me to second guess where I stand in their lives and where they stand in mine.

I'm a realist, so I know that what I necessarily want from these relationships I won't ever get. However. where does that leave me when the spiritual moments, good and bad that arise and I want and need to share and the people I speak to most and I love so much aren't even an option for me to go to.

I have found myself frustrated and dissappointed more times than I can count and perhaps I'm just at a point where I realize the way I see friendship and family and value it, is not what others would. For me there's nothing they could tell me, share with me that would steer me away from having a discussion with them, even if I didn't understand it, didn't subscribe or agree to it. There's been proof in the pudding of that.

I know I've been a good friend and family member, and this comes from a person that is critical of herself every second of the day. I've always jumped whenever they've asked me to, always been there whenever they've needed and allowed me to, always had their back whenever it was necessary. I've gone hard for them way more than I've received in return.

Now, I'm just bare bones and raw, and things that have and are affecting me are coming up and no amount of effort is putting them down. I think I just need to let go of the idea of what these relationships should be and instead treat them like what they really are and expect nothing more or have them come to a peaceful conclusion in some way.