"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”

I finally understand why women get caught up with abusers. I have had my share in my lifetime (definitely not by choice) but whatever it is what it is. My ex-husband was an abuser and if you know me I’m an abuser myself (to a certain extent). I have a good and bad side (sexual abuse or physical at times). This story tells the truth. Nothing to laugh about, but I truly believe that time heals all problems. So let’s get back to this poor ex-husband of mine that is still not over the breakup. He continues to wonder why I don’t want him back. Dude, I’m disgusted by you (if you know what I know, you would be too). Don’t want it (seriously), don’t want to deal with it and it’s no longer my problem!

So the story goes like this: my ex-husband believes that he is always entitled to this pussy of mine especially because I had two kids by him. Are you kidding me? Doesn’t work that way buddy. It’s pretty ridiculous how he seems to believe that he still has control over me even after 6 years of being divorced. It’s my fault though, I stooped down to a low level about 4 years ago on some drunken night near the marital residence (which I left to him btw). The attraction of breaking up, giving me hatred looks in court and him having another girl pregnant (and my horniness of course) was a complete turn on. We ended up fuckng , like we have never fucked before, and it felt fabulous, until I got sober. This went on for about 4 months (duration it took to sell the house). But all stupid things have to come to an end when your truth becomes reality and you find out he will be moving in with the new girlfriend (which he impregnated and couldn’t pay off to get an abortion, not my words...). One thing I’ve learned during that process is fucking your ex will NEVER work out and just causes so many more problems(trust me one this one). They are an EX for a reason, duh!

Fast forward to most recent days, he just stalks my house once in a while and shows up whenever he wants, which is completely inappropriate. One day, I must have still been weak and easy to manipulate (which happened for 14 years so it was an interesting habit to break) and he would make up some excuse to come over and have me open the door so we can talk. Well I fell for that trick too many times. Talking turned into sex most of the time (not even what I wanted)... sex that I didn’t want but he was stronger and I couldn’t keep him off of me (is this considered rape)? This happened on several different occasions (and yes, he talked his way in the house almost every time, dumb ass me). But a switch came on one day and I said to myself “this is not happening ever again”. Please don’t judge, you don’t know what you would do in that situation. I new I had control when he rang the bell a few times one day, I entertained him for a bit through the closed door and never let him in. This is what control feels like [BIG SMILE].

I have also learned that there is a limit to every abuse (like the mothefucker raping me on several occasions). But I am so much stronger now. I’m no longer the victim. Although, it’s fun to win most of the time, the downfall is when a person's eyes get black and it looks like they can kill you in a heartbeat, that’s when you know ou have been in this situation too many times (I have apparently pushed a lot of buttons in my lifestyle). But you draw the line somewhere right?

Piece of advice. This is what it's all about right, this blog lets me get the truth out there....Don’t let anyone talk you into forgiving him.. Make it too late! Make it a dealbreaker! Especially when your throat is still throbbing from the big elbow/arm he had on your neck. Still throbbing… Just remember, even if I forgive, I will never forget...