First Dates

First dates, for me, are all horrible affairs. I have a few anxiety disorders, and meeting a person face to face, no matter how long we may have been talking online, triggers my anxiety hardcore. The following list however, is not based around my anxiety over first dates, but rather on my worst first date ever. So without further ado, I present to you First Dates 101: What not to do.

1. First impressions are important. I cannot stress this enough. Unless you’re going on a first date with someone you’ve known for a while, it is absolutely not ok to wear a hoodie with dragons on it. And even if you have known them for a while, a hoodie is still probably a bad idea. Now, I’m not saying that I’m super sophisticated or anything like that. Most of the time you’ll find me kickin’ around in a hoodie. I have no problems with hoodies…except as first date attire. When I show up in a nice outfit, and I’ve done my makeup (which is something I do not enjoy, FYI), and see you sitting there in a dragon hoodie of all things, my first thought is, “Oh for fuck sake, I put in effort for this?” That is not a good way to start a date. You want to at least be able to say a few words before your date decides you’re a jackass.

2. If you’re going out with someone that drinks coffee, but you don’t, it’s not ok to walk into the coffee shop with them, announce to everyone there that you don’t drink coffee, and then proceed to tell your date that you’re glad they came with the money to pay for their own coffee because you weren’t going to buy it for them since you don’t drink it. Pro tip: If you live in Oregon, learn to like coffee and/or beer. This isn’t a mere suggestion, it’s social survival. Oregon is the #2 state with the most breweries per capita. And of that, Bend has the highest number of breweries per capita of any Oregon city. And while Bend can’t boast the most coffee shops per capita in Oregon (Portland takes that title), it can boast that it has some of the best coffee shops around. Good beer and good coffee. That’s what we’re about. Most social situations involve grabbing a beer, or getting a coffee. How can you live here and not enjoy either of those things? It’s baffling to me. But ok, fine. You don’t like either of those things. It still doesn’t make it ok to tell your date you weren’t going to buy their drink because you don’t drink it.

3. Dates can get expensive, and sometimes you need to pursue a cheap dinner option due to funding issues. BUT, if you’ve been telling us that you make close to $15 an hour, and frequently spend upwards of $100 a month on video games because you have that amount of extra income, Jimmy John’s, or any other fast food joint for that matter, is not a suitable first date food option. Plus, you have a bit of extra cash since you refused to buy your date a drink earlier. But, you also don’t drink beer, so you won’t go to a pub, no matter how good the food is. At this point, taking your date to a pub so that they can get a beer would probably be a good idea. They're going to need a drink to try to make you seem more tolerable, and perhaps even enjoy themself a little. Buy your date a beer. For god’s sake, show a little humanity!

4. Don’t say “oh, I don’t like that” to EVERYTHING they tell you they enjoy. Do try to find some common ground. The following is actually how my attempt at conversation with this guy went....please, please don't do this. Like I said above, find some common ground.

Me: “I like these shows.”

Him:”Oh, I don’t like any of those.”

Me: “Ok….well then what do you like?”

Him: “Wrestling. And video games.”

Me: “I like video games. I play these games.”

Him: “I don’t like any of those. I play these games, and only these types of games.”

Me: Makes a joke.

Him: Blank stare because he doesn’t get it, due to the fact that he doesn’t like anything so doesn’t understand where the reference for the joke comes from.

Me: "I have a cat."

Him: "I don't like cats."

Me: Tries not to bludgeon him with the delicious sandwich I’m eating in a very angry manner at this point.

5. Telling us about all these “smoking hot” people you know and spend time with does not impress us. In fact, if we aren't already thinking you were a douchebag due to the first 4 items listed above, this would pretty much seal the deal. The only person you should be commenting on the attractiveness of, and I cannot emphasize this enough, is the person sitting directly in front of you. By talking about all these other people, you make us think either A) you don’t think that we’re attractive, and if that’s the case why the fuck did you want to go out with us in the first place? or B) that you are desperately trying to prove that we, as an attractive person, should want to be around you since all of these other attractive people do. In this case, my thought process was option B. I might not be smoking hot, but I know that I’m freaking adorable and guys find me attractive.

6. Don’t ignore your date’s body language, or this could lead to a potentially embarrassing situation for you. If your date has been leaning away from you with their arms crossed in front of them and a bemused look on their face, they're not interested. Chances are, they're sitting there thinking “what the fuck is wrong with this person?” and it is a very bad idea to lean in for a kiss at the end of the date. That shit will get shut down, and it will get shut down hard.

These are just a few examples of what not to do based on my worst date ever. Reading this, you may be thinking to yourself, if it was so bad, why did you stay? The answer is: It was such a trainwreck that at one point I made a conscious decision to stay just to see how bad it could get, and what I could get away with doing before he finally decided he’d had enough and called an end to the date…..He didn’t. I had to be the one to say, “ok, time to leave.” At one point, I was even on my phone texting another guy, and he still kept chugging right along. This guy was either completely oblivious, or was so desperate at a chance to get in my pants that he was willing to put up with anything. That may make me seem like a terrible person, but I assure you, this is not my typical first date behavior. It was purely a response to a situation that I could not believe I'd found myself in.