Finding Common Ground

I often stop and wonder why we can't all be on the same page, or at least the same book. We all want the same basic things, mainly to love and be loved and live in peace and harmony on our beautiful planet. Why is it that so many of us get so attached to certain perspectives and belief systems?

The last couple of years have taught us that being united on some form of common ground is more important than ever before. Isolation and division from one another take a huge mental, emotional and spiritual toll- even on those of us who are more introverted by nature. I've talked to people who become estranged from close friends and family members due to differing perspectives and choices. Fear-based thinking seems all too easy to fall into, and listening to another can be difficult if I'm really sure that my perspective is closer to the truth or more accurate.

Society is really just a collection of individuals making choices in a shared reality, and we all truly want a society that is peaceful and harmonious. For this to happen it really depends on cultivating the kinds of qualities in our own selves that we would like to see in the world. If I'm demanding world peace but am not peaceful inside, I will likely just clash with people who have differing ideas about how to achieve world peace rather than simply being peaceful with myself and those around me.

The trouble seems to be that we all want a similar result, but can't seem to agree on the steps that need to be taken. The focus is often on changing other people and institutions, but true change can only be cultivated by individuals who endeavor to "be the change" rather than impose change on others. The more I change myself for the better, the more others will naturally be inspired to do the same.

"If only more people saw it my way, things would be a lot better." Imagine the effects of billions of us all having our own way of thinking and trying to subtly or more forcefully impose it on one another. The most impactful people in my life have lead by example rather than by clinging to ideologies. I attend 12-Step meetings which operate by attraction rather than promotion. We don't try to convince people to stay sober; we simply improve our own lives and help one another, which naturally attracts people when they are ready to make a positive change. Denial is usually the strongest force that prevents one from taking action.

The idea that I would have to admit I was wrong or gullible on some level can create a shield of false pride that weaves the web of destructive belief systems together. The more people around me that share in my way of thinking can further reinforce these thoughts into a group-think identity.

For example, when I was in active addiction I had an implicit belief that enough substances in the right combination would bring lasting happiness. Those in my circle of friends believed similar things about substances and the notion of getting clean was not really on the table. When I decided to get help I was met with resistance from my group, since the underlying reality that the drugs were not really working was being exposed. When I started doing inner work on myself, I naturally attracted more positive people and some of my old friends saw the benefits and were inspired to begin their own journey as well.

The bottom line in humanity is that we all want to be happy as often as possible with as little suffering as we can manage. There are myriad ways to try to accomplish this, and most of them involve seeking someone or something outside of ourselves. While we all at least intellectually realize that true peace and happiness come from within, the momentum of our culture and conditioning can prompt endless meanderings into things that only bring limited and temporary pleasures. A lot of it ends up being very self-serving, where I am perpetually on the take.

I have found that doing acts of service for others is a great way to tap into unity consciousness and a sense of connectedness and purpose. When I'm volunteering at something I don't stop and wonder what the political or religious beliefs are of the people I'm serving. For a while at least we can transcend the mental commentary and simply be with one another in a positive way.

We seem to have come into a period of more division than I remember in any other time in my life. There are more ways than ever to take one side over another on a given issue. Soon we may find ourselves with a complex set of ideas that we feel compelled to defend if someone with a seemingly opposing view voices their opinion.

It becomes all too easy to gravitate towards like-minded people and form echo chambers, especially online. Demonizing people who think differently seems much easier when hiding behind a keyboard and perhaps even a pseudonym. I would never say the kinds of things to people in real life as I have caught myself doing a number of times on social media. If I latch onto others who think and believe as I do, it becomes easier to solidify this in-group/out-group paradigm and the great divide of humanity widens further.

I've made a point of going out of my way to converse with people who I know see things differently than I do and try to really listen to them without judgment. I catch myself wanting to jump in and "correct" them without truly hearing them out. When I'm able to listen to someone in this way they often seem naturally more willing to hear my side of things as well. Ideally we both walk away with a new way of thinking that is less polarized and more in the middle. Even if we don't. at least we have bridged the gap to a certain degree and cultivated more unity.

I recently wrote an article about my experiences at 10 day silent Vipassana meditation retreats. When a group of people are simply living and meditating together in silence, there isn't really a sense of who is on what side of a certain issue. A sense of fellowship and connection develops that is transcendent of the whole conceptual level of relating to one another. When we do begin talking to each other at the end of a retreat session we often emphasize the similarities of our experiences and the challenges of facing ourselves without distraction for a prolonged period of time.

Perhaps all the divisions we perceive in the world are truly imaginary and conceptual in nature. When I'm arguing or disagreeing with someone it can seem like I'm almost in a life or death struggle to defend my coveted belief systems. Who would I be without them? From my own experience, I would be a lot more peaceful and happy and better able to relate to people. At a certain point, I realized I would rather be happy than "right." Trying to change another's mind is an exhausting process; its much easier to love myself and see that I am the one who deserves to change for the better.