Find the Poison

Welcome back to part two of finding the Poison in our lives and how to get rid of it.

I hope part one wasn't too gloomy - Unfortunately, these are dark themes and can be a bit heavy. By digging deep into these issues we will be able to recognize the problem, expel it and enhance our lives. After all, we are only here once (or more, according to some).

So to summarize my previous article, anything or anyone that undermines your self-worth is Toxic.

And the strongest tool to face this? Talking.

In this part we will cover our partners - now these are people we choose, and by choosing someone toxic without spotting the signs, there is an inherent feeling of guilt. "I put myself in this situation" No, no, no.

ANYONE can end up in this situation.

Despite growing up with a toxic parent, I still was unable to detect the warning signs when I chose my partner in 2014.

The key issue with abusers, particularly narcissistic ones? They are the best chameleons out there.

An abuser usually doesn't have a hateful look, no friends, an antisocial personality, a hook for a hand, and a scar across their face.

Abusers are social butterflies who make themselves out to be the last person you would think is an Abuser. They are good friends to their friends, they do bits for charity, they consider themselves tolerant and modern people, they claim to be feminists, etc. They paint this portrait of an outstanding member of society, good friend, and ideal partner. Otherwise, no one would ever get near them. Think of those beautiful flowers, whose looks serve to attract animals and devour them.

They are near on impossible to distinguish from an actual decent partner - until you get in a relationship with them. Unfortunately, the cracks in the facade only start to show once they have you in their grasp - and that is why it's so important to know how to identify these signs early.

In the beginning, they will be the ultimate prince charming. They will be funny, charismatic, caring, generous. They will do anything to make you feel like the most loved person on earth. This is to get you hooked on that feeling of ecstasy, joy, to get you addicted to the endorphins of being in love.

Once you are property hooked and comfortable then the demands will begin. For example, my Abuser only started showing the first signs a year into the relationship.

It starts with small things. And it's always things that you already did, but they seek to change. And the initial comments are always fairly innocent, simple opinions.

"I think you look better without makeup" - despite the fact you like wearing makeup.

"Those clothes are a bit much" - despite you wearing them when you met.

"Who is this friend of yours? You never told me about them" - despite you talking about them several times.

"You didn't tell me you were going out this weekend" - despite you telling them weeks ago.

These comments serve the purpose of making you think you've changed since you met and not for the better (despite not changing at all). This is their brainwash, slowly trick you, confuse your memory as to how things are - did I tell him about my friend? I think I did, maybe I didn't. Maybe I forgot to mention the party this weekend. These are the early stages of Gaslighting.

Definition of Gaslighting:

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories. People experiencing gaslighting often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves.

And because at this stage your mind is still healthy, you think, oh well, no biggie I'll make sure to mention it next time.

And you make the effort, after all, a relationship is based on trust and communication, right?

Until your partner decides to increase their tune - maybe even cause an argument.

"You didn't tell me about hanging out with this friend I know nothing about this weekend, and you are wearing these sexy clothes and makeup - are you cheating on me?"

And again they will try to convince you you hid information from them, that you have acted in a sneaky way, lying. All of this is gaslighting.

This can have two outcomes - either you decide "this guy is an insecure nutjob, I'm out" or, if you have some trauma in your life and your sense of self-worth is already injured (like I did), you might think "Right, he was everything I ever wanted at first, a true perfect partner and now my actions are damaging this relationship - I will meet him halfway" - The hook of feeling love, bliss, joy, and perfect memories they provided initially makes you think that clothes, makeup, or outings are worth sacrificing.

And as expected, you change these things and they become the perfect partner once more. This is essentially the vicious cycle that can trap someone in a horrible situation.

In my case, the isolation of being abroad in a new country, with no connections definitely worked as a factor - this was my closest person, the only one I can trust in this country.

The cycle kept repeating, the comments/demands becoming worse with each repetition.

"If you get a job then our relationship won't work"

"I don't like it when you speak with your family in your native language because you could be talking sh*t about me"

"My ex's friends turned her against me"

This is the abuser's next step - Isolation.

They will manipulate you into giving up any communication with people outside of the relationship, in the form of ultimatums, that basically state "you either have this or me". They will also preempt the comments that your friends and family will most certainly make. And once again you concede in these demands, for the sake of those good times that will follow.

They will isolate you in order for you to lose any outside perception of this situation. This abusive, and unhealthy environment. Yes, your family will be against you dating this person, your friends will tell you it's not normal, work colleagues will give you perspective. So the Abuser needs to remove these elements from your life. And if they don't do this before you hear advice, the response will be "See, I told you they would try to turn you against me". No one is turning anyone against them, this sort of language implies your family and friends are the bad guys and they are the victim - truth is, they are the Poison and people are calling them out.

And to make things worse, the Abuser's speech will be extremely hypocritical. They will tell you to go out and make friends, they will insist you should call your family. But why? Not only to trigger the argument where they will make more demands but to also trick you into thinking it was your idea all along. It was my decision to cut myself from my family, since he kept telling me to call them, of course. It was my decision to not make friends since he keeps telling me I should do it. And then he will place the blame of your isolation on yourself.

It's a vicious cycle full of paradoxes. The Abuser's goal is to condition you, manipulate you, confuse you. To keep you hooked in the hopes of experiencing that incredible happiness once more.

Another part of the Abuser's tool kit: Control.

They will want constant and detailed communication at all times. They will want times and dates, and estimations of how long you will be doing an activity. In certain cases, they might want access to monitor your phone or social media.

My partner worked with the Merchant Navy and used to be away a month at a time. Every time he was at sea, he demanded at least 3 emails a day, describing what I did, where I went. They will tell you that if you truly love them you want to tell them these things. WRONG. They want to monitor you, control you. In my case, if I missed an email or took a while to reply to a text, a huge argument would ensue. Accusations would fly, of cheating, of not loving him, of not being grateful for everything he did for me (despite threatening to break up with me if I got a job). For example, I became afraid of going to the groceries by myself. What if I got delayed? He would think that I was doing something that I shouldn't.

By this stage, emotional and physical abuse was already happening as well.

He would make the most horrific comments, call me all names under the sun.

"When I look at you I feel the same as when I look at someone's spit on the ground, or like something that has been chewed and stuck to my shoe"

"Who would ever take you? You are disgusting"

"You are not abused, in fact, real abuse victims would be revolted at you for considering yourself one of them"

The physical abuse would come randomly - For example, I would get woken up in the middle of the night being slapped or shoved out of the bed for no reason. One time I struggled back and he twisted my fingers in a way they were sore for months. He would grab my throat and shove me around. He was very careful to not leave bruises, which made me think he had done this to someone else in the past.

In fact he became bolder, he would discreetly grab my hair and pull it enough to hurt my scalp when in company of friends on a night out. Or grab the back of my neck or ribs and squeeze until I was almost in tears.

By this stage, I was so brainwashed that I was constantly in a state of anxiety and depression. Anything was a trigger for him, from not wringing the kitchen sponge properly, to being too silent.

I'm not going to lie, I was in a very dark place. I even thought of self-harm during this time, just to get it over with. This is NOT the solution.

What is the main solution? Talk.

It sounds scary, but in this day and age, it is possible to establish communication in secret if needed. In my case, I messaged my best friend, back in my home country. And he reinforced how dangerous and unhealthy my situation was. He tried helping me brainstorm solutions on how to get out of this. The issue at this stage was the mental control I was under - I had opportunities to leave when he was at sea, but my conditioning was so strong that I didn't. In my mind, he would know and magically appear to hurt me. I was also brainwashed into thinking he was the best thing ever and that I would never find anyone as "good" as him.

But I kept talking - and my best friend kept insisting, time after time, that it wasn't normal and that I had to leave. I started watching videos about abusive relationships in secret. What were the red flags and how to get out.

The more I read, the more I watched, the more I talked, the stronger I got.

I was alone abroad and needed a plan. Not only to escape him but to also give me any form of future.

So, slowly, I devised a plan - I was going to do a Professional Cooking course as a "hobby". He was obviously hesitant to agree with it, but I kept insisting it was a hobby. As soon as I finished I got a small-time job for a two-day Festival. Again he was not very happy about it, but it was a one-time thing.

I then applied for a job at a hotel and got it straight away. I insisted it was only temporary to bring some money in since I had encouraged him to change jobs when he suggested it.

And work gave me that perspective I desperately needed. 12h a day without him in my life, in the company of normal people, with who I formed friendships, this really tipped the scales. Plus, I became Financially Independent from him.

I tried leaving one time but he physically stopped me. Grabbed my bags, emptied them, and locked the door.

The final day came, and it was as nasty as I thought it would be. I was on a late shift and he had gone for drinks with friends. I had already received an angry call from him, claiming I wasn't at work. Even a coworker offered help if I needed company to sort this out with my partner. Stupidly, I refused.

When I got home I was met with ultimate fury. He was accusing me of cheating and lying, and I argued back. So he resorted to violence. With Slaps, kicks, and shoving, I lost my bearings very quickly. At some stage, he was holding me by the throat and banging my head against the wall. Luckily I do have some physical strength and he was drunk so I managed to fight back and we ended up on the floor, with him trying to stop me from getting up, grabbing my legs. I kicked him, got up, snatched my jacket, and ran - didn't even close the door.

I didn't know what to do, it was dark, late at night and I was scared. I sat outside a closed shoe shop and cried, it was also very cold.

I realized I needed to spend the night somewhere and reached for my pocket to realize I didn't have my bank card with me - I had my keys though.

So I mustered some strength and went back to the flat. This was like a real-life horror film to me. I listened behind the door and all seemed quiet. I turned the key as quietly as I could and got my hands on my other jacket which definitely had my card, all with the lights off to not alert of my presence. I must have made a noise because I heard his running footsteps coming towards me in the dark and bolted again.

Luckily I had the option of taking a room for the night in the hotel I worked in. Before going to sleep I found an Airbnb with availability for a couple of weeks.

The following day, I got up and went to work as normal, but I must admit I was in a hazed state of mind. When I finished I went to his flat. He looked as miserable as ever, but this time he didn't stop me from packing a bag and leaving.

Once I got an actual room in a shared house I got legal advice and got him to post me my possessions. Some of them were missing and I will never recover them, but in the grand scheme of things, possessions pale in comparison to recovering my freedom.

In the end, I used his tricks against him to find myself a way out. I wouldn't have managed this if I hadn't talked with my friend, or looked up information online.

Something I regret is never going to the police. I should have done it in order to prevent him from doing this to anyone else, but the fear of retribution was too great at the time. And nowadays I lack the evidence to do this. My advice? Face that fear, report your Abuser. You will feel better in the future, trust me.

Some people might read this and think "Well anyone could see where this was going, you could have seen it and left really early, it was so obvious." No, it wasn't. This form of abuse is a very slow process, mine spread over almost three years. Abusers are very clever, experts at manipulation, and naturally talented when it comes to using psychological tricks, torture, and strategies. And they will adapt to the person they want to abuse. ANYONE can end up in this situation, and hindsight judgment is pointless. Victim blaming is a very ugly thing and no one should tolerate it.

So here are some of the red flags I can name:

- Too perfect from the get-go;

- Gaslighting;

- Criticising things that were already part of your life when you met;

- Isolation, from friends, family, and society;

- Insisting on Financial Control;

- Excessive Demands for Communication;

- Excessive Criticism;

- Verbal Abuse;

- Physical Abuse;

- Using Ultimatums;

- Paranoia (constant accusations of cheating and lying);

- Victimization (they are always a victim in every argument - they might even bring up some past experiences to try and gain sympathy, whilst enhancing the idea of how bad you are);

The Abuser is someone incredibly insecure, with an emotional and logical imbalance. And like any bully, when properly confronted they shrivel away. They may be violent with you if no one is around, but if you take a friend, trust me, they will cower away. Now, these people weren't born this way. Abusers usually have some form of trauma in the past which leads them to become emotionally and logically flawed adults. This does not mean that you have to tolerate it in any way. Again, using past trauma as an excuse for cruelty is NEVER acceptable. Think of all the people who have gone through true horrors, and still chose to become good, decent people?

In case you are reading this, and are in a similar situation, take it from me: there is always a way out, and nothing tastes sweeter than freedom. You never appreciate freedom until you have it taken away from you.

And don't expect to recover straight away from this - the impact of abuse sometimes takes years to recover from. For at least a year I would have anxiety attacks when doing something that I wasn't allowed in the past, from going to the groceries or hanging out with friends. My self-confidence and self-worth were at their lowest and have taken years to recover. I was also very scared of bumping into him since we lived in the same town.

I have some advice for this scenario:

If you are accompanied, then don't worry, your abuser is ultimately a coward who would never do anything in front of witnesses. These people are usually very intelligent and know the consequences of someone witnessing their actions.

If you are alone when you bump into them, ignore them. If they become threatening or aggressive then find a crowded place, a restaurant, a bar and ask for help. Call the police if needed. Just because they aren't a robber trying to steal your phone at gunpoint doesn't mean you don't have the right of calling the police - especially since you know they are capable of becoming violent.

If it makes you feel more comfortable, purchase some self-protection that is legal in your country and carry it with you.

But trust me, that fear will fade away. In the beginning, do everything you need to make you feel safe. Slow, and steady, as you resume a normal life again, this person won't even pop into your mind anymore.

If there are children involved then you definitely need to leave that environment as soon as you can, since your abuser might turn their attention to your child. Across the world, there are institutions and charities whose sole purpose is to help a parent leave an abusive situation with their children if they lack the financial means. Contact them whichever way you can. Make an excuse to go to town, slide a note, send an email, make a phone call. The first step is always the hardest, it only gets easier after that.

I also want to point out that in my case my abuser was a man, but abusers can come in any gender, shape, or form - the signs will always be the same.

Do seek therapy as well - it helps a lot. It is because of therapy that I'm able to tell my tale in this article. That I am able to share this with the world, so somewhere, someone in similar circumstances might find courage after reading this, and leave their abusive partner.

Talk. Accept Help. Chase your Freedom.

If you are struggling with thoughts of self-harm, please call for help: Samaritans - 116 123 (free)