Feeling the Same Didn't Make It Any Easier
The same page meant the last page.
"I let go, and I hope you’ll be happy now. You and me, it was good, but it wasn’t right. -Kygo"
It's not that you gave up. It's not that either of you stopped loving each other or caring about each other.
It's just that neither of you made each other happy anymore.
Two lives that were once intertwined had been unraveling for some time. And before realizing it, it was slipping through your fingers. No longer able to be salvaged.
There were things that we both did that we wished were different. But, our lives were very different. The same sort of busy, but mine consisted of constantly moving and spending only minutes in places while yours was hours. Spending little time at home while you spent most of yours there.
Our realities had changed so much from where we started that we weren't prepared. Or maybe it was that our ideas of what should be would never be able to be achieved by what would be.
Both wanting to be close to each other, but not knowing how to anymore. Trying, but not wanting to be the only one. Wanting to talk but not knowing how to start a conversation.
The things that we wanted. The things that we prioritized. The things we truly cared about. Would no longer aligned with each other anymore because they were completely opposite.
"I thought we would make it, if I just held on"
The path that we once shared had dissipated into becoming two separate ones that we both took. And we just accepted it. We accepted the things we both had to do, but didn't support each other like we truly needed to or should have. Like friends, not lovers.
Learning that we both had ideas of the dynamic we thought we should have and the people we should be.
I probably came to this realization before you. Felt like this was going to inevitably be coming. When the sad songs hit home a little more. The lovey couple captions made me think. And I started being in my head about us. I knew it was just a matter of time. But, I still had hope. I still tried, I still loved you. I thought maybe we could work it out. It wasn't until you came back that I knew that you didn't want this anymore. When Kygo's new song became us...
"We're afraid to admit it, but I know you know, know that. We should’ve known better, but kept on trying. It's time that we see it, the fire's dying out."
I could see it written all over you. Your actions. Your habits. Your texts. Your words. And I fought back the tears as we drove in silence, as I was all in my head analyzing the lyrics of the songs that played and wondering what you were thinking. If you were trying to tell me something, if you were listening as well and subconsciously listening to the lyrics as well. Inside feeling like I was just watching everything fall to pieces in front of my face but unable to do anything to stop it. Like an outsider seeing something so beautiful replaying all our memories and moments from start to finish through a rainy store window unable to do anything but watch.
The feeling of knowing that I wasn't happy and you weren't happy. Knowing that we had to talk but not knowing when.
I hadn't truly been happy in a while, but I loved you. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to blame me for it all. I didn't want to see it end. I didn't want to say bye.
Life has weathered us into two different people with two different paths. More likely to be destined as friends than as two parts to a whole.
We just weren't the same people who we used to be. The same two that had fallen madly in love...
You knew it. I knew it. It was just coming to terms with it that was the challenge. Being strong enough to talk about everything that was known but left unsaid. Talking about the one thing that we both seemed to want by putting an end to something that we needed but didn't want actualize.
Because we were at the point where we become more of best friends than lovers. We loved and cared about each other but not in the way that we used to. We weren't what we both needed anymore.
The awkward conversation that we both needed to be had but didn't want to start that ended in tears and with the words that we both knew.
We were done.
We both felt the same, but that didn't make it any easier. That hasn't made things any easier. The moments of feeling okay and then in tears the next. The feelings just sneaking up on your when you least expect it. Feeling relieved that it's been decided, but sad at the same time.
Learning that it is possible to love someone but not want to be with them. Loving someone but them not making you happy.
Getting closure for once in your life. Not being left with unanswered questions. Not ending something that someone still wanted. Not being given the chance to even try. But somehow still feeling like something is unfinished. Like it was too easy almost. It was just over. Not clearly said, but understood. Period.
What we had wasn't like any of the other loves I had. From start to end. I'm glad it was different, that you were different. It's just now, I don't know how to process it all.
I'm now left trying to deal with it. Waiting for the fullness of the reality to hit you. Knowing you have to hold it together, but wanting to fall apart at the same time.
Knowing that you both being on the same page meant the last page. And not sure that is how you expected or wanted it to end. But, knowing that ultimately that is what is best for both of you at least for now, at least in this moment.
Knowing that even though it's an end that there is still so much love and feelings there. That maybe in another life could be something.
Feeling the same ending on terms of knowing how much it would hurt us both causing us a lot of pain, but was what we both deserved. It was only fair because we both know that we are better off alone. A choice made out of love and respect.
Knowing that just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them.
Saying I love you, but both knowing that it doesn't mean the same thing that it used to.
"It'll be hard, but I know I will make it out. Step by step, I’ll move on and get on with life. -Kygo"