The darkness and emptiness fills the room as tears fill my eyes. I sit on our bed and cry harder than I have in a long time. Why is my life what it is today? Why do I still feel all this pain? Will it ever feel good again? I've become very negative on that subject. I don't understand the addiction to gambling and it is tearing us apart. I love him more than I love myself and yet I can't wrap my head around this. The fact that this is what we are going to lose to, some slot machine in a dive bar and dive gas station preying on the hearts and souls of addicts in our town. There are slot machines in every gas station but two and every bar and almost every eating establishment has machines. They are everywhere. Their bells and whistles just luring him in to ruin our lives together. The bells and whistles here at home have long gone a while ago. Seventeen years I guess things get stale or you get bored, I'm not sure. I still love him more than life itself so I'm still having a hard time understanding the logic behind the behavior of self-destruction. He is unknowingly pushing me away and it hurts. The glances of love I once received are replaced with looks of hate, disgust and shame. I know I've gained weight, COVID has really impacted me and being diagnosed mentally ill, bipolar depressed with depression, is has been especially hard for me. So I know that I haven't been the perfect version of myself either but I haven't tried to break our bond. I sit here alone in my room in the darkness and I concede to the gambling and it wins again. He continues to do it knowing the possible consequence is losing me is just sending a message that I'm replaceable and easily done so by a slot machine. He has found solace in these things, something I can not give him. However, when he loses which is often he comes home beaten. He looks terrible. It is not a good look on him, regret and shame. He does not wear it well. That is not the man I married. He was a strong provider that would never sacrifice our relationship in this way. He is lost and I am afraid it is because he is not happy with me. He is not happy and this is how he shows it without saying it out loud. Is that true I ask myself as I sit here alone in the darkness of my own mind? My father, abusive, always told me I would never be loved. Was he right? I hope not. I want him to be wrong but all sign point to yes, I'm too much to handle. Instead of telling me that the man of my dreams the man I love can look at me with disgust and hate and tell me to get out of our home because I'm angry because he spent over 500$ in the slot machines in two days, mind you we are poor people and can not afford this habit. I'm laid off because of COVID and the side effects I'm suffering and he is the main provider. I would leave if I could. I have no where to go. My mom is in assisted living and my sister lives here with me. There is no where for me to go but I find myself needing that more now than ever. See I'm sitting here in the darkness of my room and I am contemplating the only way I get out of here is dead. Yes that's right suicide is crossing my mind. What now? How could I even ever think that way I have a won. I love him more that I love me. He needs me at least I think he does. I'm not sure though. Sometimes I think he would be happier is I wasn't here to bog things down with all my sadness and anger. Everyone would be better off if I just disappeared. I'm already alone in life. I have a few close friends that would miss me but they would survive. They have lives of their own to live. I've reached out and not one person has noticed that I'm struggling with living on this treacherous life that I'm caught living. I feel as the only place to go is home. But I thought home is where the heart is, that is with my family. I'm questioning who is my family. Not him, he's clearly made a point to keep me out of his life as truly family. He has too much that he won't deal with hindering our relationship growth and his personal growth. I think he'd fed up and done with me and doesn't have the courage to say it. He's trying to get me to leave so I'm working out a way. I don't know how but I'm trying. I don't want to die and I'm afraid if I put up with this much longer I might not have a choice. Lost in all of these rambling thoughts. I am alone and that is scary. It's been a long time since I have been alone. I don't know how. I don't know if I can but even now surrounded in a house with my "family" and I'm still lonely. I have to escape this loneliness someway somehow. I have to escape this downward spiral my life is now stuck in. How to get away? Am I stuck? Will I ever survive this chapter of my life? Honestly I'm not feeling very optimistic. I'm crying out to the unknown. Someone here my cries, I could use a bunch of guidance.
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Column One: NY Times
As I look up and across the sky the stars and moon light up like sparklers on Independence Day. It is a full moon and it scares me. I know what the effects of the moon have on me. Do I believe in astrology? Yes in some sense. Gemini are born between May19 and June 20. Noted as twins Gemini's are known for their two sided behavior. Also know as kind and affectionate and a little chatty. Now all of this information is based on the moon and the planets and how they align and what it does to you on a chemical balance level. I believe this is true being a Gemini all of these things have had notable effects on my life. See I am diagnosed Bipolar Disorder, depressed, with anxiety. Being bipolar has changed me and I have to fight for days of happiness. But I am also the first to help someone if I can. I am always looking out for others and have a care taking gene that is almost an abnormality. People seem to flock to me. I feel like I am a magnet for needy souls. Souls that need to hear my story so they can finish a chapter in their life. Its not necessarily a bad thing but it definitely has an affect on my life. The moon is said to control a Gemini's mood, emotion both sub conscious and conscious, as well as other things. I believe that when the gravitational pull changes and we are physically changed that of course it will change us emotionally and mentally as well. I know that out of 3 of my hospitalizations, two of them were on full moon nights. Being bipolar means that unless medicated there usually isn't a line between manic and depressive for me. I am one or the other. I am lying in bed crying or I am mobile doing something. But on these full moon nights knowing that my body is about to experience a celestial change so to speak I try and pay more attention to how I am reacting to things. Because of the moon and the planets aligning everything seems to find a way to implode or explode whichever applies and it seems like it is out of my control. I am telling you that the sign of Gemini as it is shortly explained does apply to me. All the traits seem to describe me to a T. I also believe that people are crazier than normal when there is a full moon. I haven't completely addressed the other aspects of astrology but the moon and alignment with our planet let alone other planets definitely is factual as well. Like I mentioned before I have a mental illness. I am inclined to tell you that I am currently in therapy and see a psychiatrist. I have for a long time because it is a life long journey. I will never be another sign. I will never change to a Virgo, Pisces, or Sagittarius. I am a Gemini through and through. I have two poles, hence twins. I am kind. I would give anyone the shirt off my back. I love to a point that it physically hurts me and I generally cry when others don't reciprocate my behavior. Although I realize that I am overreacting it happens anyway like I am possessed and I don't remember what is said or done in the moment. I can remember bits and pieces but things tend to black out for me because it is a defense mechanism that I have made for myself. If I don't remember the trauma it didn't happen. Another way of my Gemini mind working is its magic to steer me through life. Have I taken my meds I ask myself every night before bed? When is my next appointment to see the therapist I need to talk? I believe that our chemical makeup in our brain is triggered by many things and this affects everyone differently. I'm a Gemini and those are kinds of ways that it affects me. So why am I afraid of the full moon? I'm afraid because my Gemini brain tells me to be careful how I react, be careful how you feel. The reason I tell myself this is because during a full moon my emotions are heighten ten fold and even though I already have heightened emotions it becomes glaringly affective on my responses and behavior. I know that its triggering the wrong chemical in my brain releasing the wrong amounts of serotonin but it is all because of the gravitational pull that this happens as well as our physical bodies and the chemicals released because of that change. Being bipolar I've learned a lot about how it works to better understand myself and others alike. I am still leery of the full moon. I tend to avoid large gatherings on these occasions. I adjust my life to the full moon. Call me crazy but its true and it has only gotten better because of the education I have gotten both in therapy and by researching my Zodiac sign. Gemini's are passionate. Geminis are emotional. Geminis are twins, or two sided. Is it because of the Zodiac sign that I am the way I am. That paired with the moon and planets alignment all play a role. Can I change things. Only as much as I try to change I suppose is the honest answer. I know the consequences of a full moon and I try to make the right choices all of the time but particularly fail in some sense on nights of full moons. I believe in astrology. Am I an anomaly? Who gets to decide the answer to that question? Who is qualified to give a response. Probably whichever Zodiac sign that thinks they are right about everything, wait did I just describe a Gemini? I don't know better do some fact checking. With all this in mind pay attention to mental health and full moon nights these people require special care because their struggle is extra hard, maybe lend a helping hand. Also, be careful this full moon effect is seen on the sanest of people. Differently too. Growing up around a mental health professional I learned a ton about the behavior of the mentally ill. I submerged myself in the behavior of people in their normal habitats. Not everyone notices the behavior of everyone around them but I try to and it is entirely to educate myself for me and and my safety. Always know your surroundings I was always taught. But to be honest I thing that even the "normal" people not suffering from a diagnosed mental illness are affected by the moon the stars and the planets alike. So if you are ever wondering about the full moon, keep on wondering because curiosity is key to knowledge. I speak from experience, a life time of experience only about 26 years of actually living with a definite diagnosis myself but a whole life of 41 years living the consequences of astrology and how it affects everyone around us. Knowing the things I know now I am not quick to judge. I try to be more patient with people, not knowing everyone's astrological sign its best to always be kind. I have not researched the entire astrological system I mainly narrowed my search on Gemini's but I know everyone reacts differently depending on their sign and what these stars and moons and planets have in store is on a complete different astrological plane for every single person. Therefore, each response from each individual is unknow and definitely different. So act accordingly and try to know why your reactions may seem out of character. Where is the moon at at what is Mercury doing? That's a whole other topic to cover, Mercury and how it affects us. Today we touch on the moon, maybe tomorrow Mercury. Just know one thing. Astrology is a science and can be proven easily by observing basic human behavior in correlation with the stars, moon, planets and even the sun. Do some research, see what you're up against. Don't be afraid of the moon, learn what it's doing to you and the people around you. This research may lead to a better life, never know there is always room for more understanding.
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As the allure of outdoor activities continues to captivate enthusiasts, the demand for convenient and versatile cooking solutions has surged. Portable grills have emerged as indispensable companions for outdoor excursions, offering a blend of functionality, portability, and culinary versatility. Among the diverse array of options available, standout models like the Campingaz Party Grill 400 CV, the AGM Charcoal Barbecue Picnic Grill, and the TAINO MOX Charcoal BBQ Suitcase Grill exemplify innovation and practicality in outdoor cooking.
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Dew drops reflected the light of the sun. The inhabitants of Whispering Woods woke up to the golden droplets of water on the leaves of the flora. The oaks particularly enjoyed the light and the maples did, too. Happiness enveloped all who lived there, even the rocks that cried out in the night delighted in the morning.
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