fear of being/dying alone

I had never really thought much about loneliness or being alone until exactly one year ago. but this story doesn’t start there- it starts in the womb- for me and for everyone.

Woke-comedienne & multihyphenate, Amanda Seales, said something that rang so true to me I was compelled to put it in my own words and dissect it. To paraphrase; it is no wonder we are endlessly searching for companionship (whether it be friendships or romantic relationships) given the mere fact that we were born in companionship. We spent 9 months with our mothers before being brought into real being. We spent 9 months being one with someone else so closely our lives literally depended on her.

Only child + single mother makes for a unique bond. One in which I felt fulfilled. Looking back I never thought I was longing for more. I never asked for a little brother or sister, I never wondered why dad wasn’t around or why mom didn’t find me a new dad. This is where the dissection comes in….I may not have yearned after those kinds of familial partnerships but I was obsessed with finding a true best friend. As an only child it pervaded my subconscious (which I’m only really understanding now). I had so many best friend pacts with so many friends it was hard to keep track of. I was fast & loose with my friendships and I suppose I still am to this day. I would search for and find closeness in some semblance of my self and latch on. When that friendship no longer served me or when I no longer served it, it was a clean and fairly easy break. I was young when I learned to disassociate & to burn bridges. It’s not a trait I’m necessarily proud of but it’s one I developed out of survival. On top of that, I was never that boy crazy. I went through the motions, the crushes and typical obsessions but I can’t say it ever felt inadequate or incomplete. I was pleased by myself. I became my own best friend. It was years in the making and not a process I think is ever complete, but as I’ve said time and time again, it’s important to love yourself, to care for yourself, to support yourself the same way you would anyone you love. You are the first and last friend you’ll ever have.

I have vehemently protested relationships since my last & for one reason only: self-preservation. I have sequestered myself to a place that is filled with both content and contempt for others invading my space & changing the architecture of who I am. If being in a relationship means losing myself again- no thanks. In some ways, I have come to terms with being alone forever, especially if it means I’m in control of things (my therapist would probably red flag that one.)

All that said, one thing I’m slowly learning (and mostly from seeing healthy relationships around me both in passing and in permanence) is that a relationship is not the same as a partnership… partnership is something to strive for…. and this leads me to 1 year ago when my grandma fell ill. She has 5 children, 8 grandchildren & 3 great grandchildren and they were all by her side on her deathbed. I watched as each of her children & their families came to say goodbye. I watched my single mother say goodbye without the shoulder of a partner to cry on. In those moments I was willingly her spouse, her partner, her support system. Above the death of my best friend, second mother & fearless leader, what broke my heart most watching my mum go through it alone. We’ve since spoken about it & she didn’t ever feel alone- she had her siblings & me…. but it was at this precise moment that my perspective changed. I no longer wanted to be alone forever. I wanted someone i could build a life with, build a family with, next generation type stuff. When my mum is on her death bed….when I’m on my deathbed, I want what my grandma had. I want love, not loneliness.

Now more than ever, my goal is to not be lonely. I am happy alone but that can’t be it can it? That can’t be where it ends? I have done my best effort to rid my energy space of energy suckers and dark energies. I have done my best efforts to bring light to each situation I’m in. I have done my best efforts to be honest about everything I’m bringing to the table. I have done my best efforts to be my truest self. I have done my best efforts to honor my deepest desires. This is all to say, I’m doing my best, by my self, by myself and that’s ok for now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t want more. It doesn’t mean I can’t do better.

I think the greatest distinction (and greatest truth) I can make at this time in my life is that I want a deep and meaningful relationship. but please, please, please… don’t get it twisted. I don’t need one. I have one. With me. Wants and needs don’t have to be (and mean) the same thing. You can want something you don’t need. You can need something you don’t want.

I am doing my best to let it find me. I am doing my best to let it come in waves and feel it fully. And truth be told, if I end up alone, I will be in great company.

I can’t say I fully fear being alone but there is a small part of me that doesn’t want that for myself. I am learning more about that part of me and still getting to know it fully. I write this somewhat in jest, as I don’t fear being alone but maybe what i fear most is dying alone. Or maybe it’s dying altogether because isn’t that the truly loneliest experience. no one can tell you how it will be. it’s nothing like being born.