Falling from cloud 9

It's cold without you here to hold me. It slaps me in the face like a dark winter night. I told you I would love you for forever and as you said the same, your soul was telling a lie and you stayed silent. I fell in love with you so quickly and fast, with no hesitation or limitations but I thought you were reciprocating my feelings, at least thats what you told me. Never once did I think it was one sided until the sun started to set at five on a Friday morning and my gut told me to do something I knew was going to crush and kill me but was making me hope that I was just being paranoid and you would come out clean and trustworthy. As I sat on the floor of our bedroom with your phone in one hand, unlocked and ready and my phone in my other hand ready to capture any secrecy as you slept so heavily. My heart began to throb, my throat clenched and my stomach turned in ways I never thought it could. As I went from app to app, text to text, note to note, it came very abundantly clear that I wasn't being paranoid and you didn't love me the way I thought you did.

It came clear that I was not in fact your soulmate, you were just mine.

It came clear that I wasn't what you wanted.

It came clear that I was a stand in, a stand in for all the girls you were trying to see if you wanted.

It came clear that she was what you wanted, even after you spun me on our dance floor, making me feel lighter than air. Bringing light back into my life at the darkest time, I felt weightless when you pulled me into your arms after asking me to be your girl. I was on cloud 9, nothing could bring me down at that moment, if only I knew while you in my arms the next day, you were texting her that you wanted a son with her.

If only i knew while you were beginning to grow with me and start our family, you were telling her you love her, she's your soulmate and you couldn't wait to marry her, I would have left sooner.

I would have protected my heart.

Protected my soul.

I would have protected our son from watching you walk out the door, sitting there just waiting for your return, day after day, night after night. He waits for you everyday at the time you would normally come home by the front door, pumped and excited to get love from his papi. He did nothing wrong and yet he is also being punished for your mistakes. You can blame me but when I asked if you wanted to work on custody arrangements, you left me on read. He may be a dog to you but you were his world and just like how you felt about me, its obvious you felt that about him too, you left and didn't care.

You say I am unforgiving, stupid and hard headed but I am not.

I gave my ex 6 years of unconditional love and support just to find out that he was cheating and got a lady pregnant while being stationed away from me. I gave the ex before that two and a half years of unconditional love and support to find out he went to house sit with a female we went to school with and did unspeakable things while I was working the night shit at fredmeyers. I don't just give half of me, I give all of me. If thats too much for you, then don't be with me just to crush me. I gave both these boys chances to tell me the truth even after they got caught and both of them looked me in the eyes and continued to lie, just like you. Instead of being honest, truthful and remorseful, you continued to lie to cover your track even after they have been uncovered. Instead of looking me in the eyes and admitting your fault and pleading that we can fix this together, you tried to turn it back on me and walked out and yet I still don't hate you, nor them. You have things to figure out and that is fine, just don't do it on my heart or time, to me thats pretty forgiving.

You call me stupid and that I wouldn't be able to pay my bills by myself yet I put myself through college paying out of pocket and I'm continuing by working on becoming a cardiovascular surgeon. The home you came home too was paid by me. The food and drinks you consumed, were bought by me. Furniture and appliances for this house was either bought by me or given to me by my generous family. The date nights, spontaneous trips, going home to your family, were all bought by me but yet I never minded.

You say I am stubborn and I'll admit I am a tad but I do my best to try to see and value what you are saying. I may not always succeed but I'd be damned if you say I don't try.

You were my world and I think thats were I messed up. I got to close to quick and when I fell for you, I fell hard. I thought you were going to be my last and forever. I thought we would fight this scary world together, but I was wrong. The pain grew too strong one night and the bad habits stormed back in like a semi truck head on, I was unprepared.

I was unprepared for the darkness to take over.

I was unprepared for the negatives thought that came with.

And I was unprepared for the scars that are now on body caused solely by myself.

As much as I want to hate you, I don't. You are a beautiful soul just a lost one. We are all lost in this world, I just wanted you to be lost with me and we could figure it out together. Even thought this break up hurt me more than any I've ever been apart of, I do hope you and her work out and are truly happy, even if its not with her and with someone else. I hope you find peace and comfort and never have to feel the pain I'm currently in. I thank you for allowing me to love you for the time we had and I'm grateful for all you have done and given me, time, love and more. It saddens me that we were close to a year but I'm thankful for finding out now so we can both part and find peace.

You will always be loved in my heart and missed by my soul but now its time for me to go.