F^cking Memories

Okay, cue the Taylor Swift breakup song right now. I'm actually listening to that song as I write this. Memories are either beautiful or tragic. They're either magical or bittersweet. They're either hurtful or life-changing. I think we all have memories that we remember all too well. Seriously that song gives me chills. It tells a story all too well. I have a story that I will always remember. I'll remember being abused on a daily by someone who was supposed to protect my heart till death. I'll remember being left with more trauma than I knew what to do with. I'll remember loving someone at their worst and them screwing me over at mine. I'll remember being treated like crap, day in and day out. I'll remember my heart physically hurting when it ended and wanting to not live anymore. I'll remember having to pick up the pieces of my heart and the shell of my former self. I'll remember not mattering to the one person to who I was supposed to matter most too. I'll remember being yelled at daily for making even the slightest mistake. I'll remember those things forever. Some things get burned in your mind. I try to forget them. I really try. I'll remember being left with some form of PTSD and going to bed fearing for my life every night.

I'll remember not ever feeling good enough. I'll remember being told I wasn't smart enough to do anything. But you know what? F^ck all that. After all, my healing is done and I finally get passed the arrested development I've developed since then. I'll find someone who will be wonderful. They won't yell at me, They'll encourage me to follow my dreams. They'll actually treat me like I matter and won't tell me I'm fat. They'll think I'm beautiful the way I am, flaws and all. They'll understand that I won't trust them for a while and they'll understand why I have little things that bother me. They'll understand how to handle me if I have a panic attack. They'll love me unconditionally and be there for me during bad times instead of screwing me over at mine.

They won't criticize every single thing I do, they won't tell me I'm eating wrong or sleeping wrong. They'll treat me well. They'll understand that I may try and push them away at times because I'm scared. But the best part is? Is that no matter how much I exhaust them and no matter how many times I tearfully tell them they can leave if I'm exhausting them. They'll stay. They'll stay because they feel like love is worth fighting for. They'll stay not because they have to or feel like they're doing me a favor. But because they want to. They truly want to. They actually want to spend their life with me. They'll support my passion for sharing my story in hopes of helping even one person. They'll cheer me on as I do so. They'll be there through everything and know I'll do the same for them. They'll know not to yell at me and to handle a disagreement with kindness. That is probably far off. I still have a lot of healing to do. I still have much trauma to work through. I still have to learn to trust people again. I still have a lot to learn about myself and others. This will probably take a very long time because I was hurt for a very long time. 6 years to be exact. But most of all I still have traumatic memories that I remember all too well.