Uncomfortable. Bold. Salty. These are three words to describe having sex with a person for the first time.
You guys are finally alone, and although in your fantasy of this moment you had a lot to talk about with this person, suddenly you're speechless. The silence is so awkward that it becomes deafening, not to mention, if you tend to be anxious like me, your hands are probably all hot and sweaty, and yet in the same instance, you can't wait to touch who you hope to become future bae, or maybe it’s simply a booty call. I don't judge.
After some forced conversation, and hopefully a couple of mixed drinks (please let there be liquor), someone finally makes the first move. You're kissing. You're touching. You're rubbing... You're definitely about to get some. The only thing left to do is to get undressed.
Whether you undressed your partner, or they undressed you, I am confident in two things. The first thing that I’m confident in is that the thought that you had following, “Holy shit, this is really happening right now,” was along the lines of, “Man, I hope that I didn’t wear the underwear with the hole in them,” or, “Did I remember to shave?” The second thing I know for sure is that, you more than likely didn't want to be the first one to be completely naked.
This is probably the most desensitized the world has ever been to sex and violence. We see a woman’s boobs in advertisements for laundry detergent and yet we still get the heebie-jeebies taking our socks off in a situation where we should actually be eager to show every bit of our bodies. Why?
Nakedness is vulnerability, and no one wants to reveal all of who they are to anyone without the other person being willing to reveal the same.
You know what’s even more amazing than our programmed adult shame of being naked in front of each other? Even after we have showed all of our physical self in a relationship, we still tend to cover up emotionally. It’s sad to know that we can make weird noises, sweat, and even make the ugly “I’m coming” face in front of someone, and still keep all of who we truly are locked away as a secret. No one wants to convey emotions anymore. It’s weak.
Asking someone how they’re doing has now become a form of greeting one another that is replied to with either a rehearsed answer, “good,” or no reply at all. Let’s face it. We are emotional zombies.
Why is it easier to get butt naked in front of a stranger than it is to be completely raw and honest about who we are? Does it really have to be a difficult process?
Now imagine being naked in front of someone new for the first time and reading your journal/diary once you’re undressed. It kind of sounds like a nightmare doesn’t it? Well, now you have a slight idea of the anxiety I feel as I present to you my new blog series, Ex-Alt-Delete.
Ex-Alt-Delete is me in my purest form. It is unadulterated confessions of my soul. From stories of heartaches to heartbreaks, mistakes and defeats, successes and overall joy, in its entries you will find open letters to those who once shared a part of my life, but have now earned the title of "ex." These letters are written to ex-friends, ex-coworkers, ex-lovers, ex-boyfriends, ex-roommates, ex-cons... You get the picture. In Ex-Alt-Delete, I shed my flesh to show you my spirit in hopes that you too will be able to shed your flesh and show your spirit to the world.
When's the last time you had a soul cleansing adventure? Read the next entry. Soon you'll be naked too.