Empathy Part 1

For those of us that have worked in the service industry it's become second nature to have empathy for others. But how do we teach empathy to those who don't need to use it in a work setting but more of a personal and political settings?

As someone that has worked in the customer service industry for 10 years it's second nature to me. I have always found myself to be somebody that is empathetic towards others naturally but you learn to apply empathy in a different manner when you do it in a work setting.

With empathy you need a combination of active listening and a bit of imagination with some information to build in the gaps. But this isn't something that seems to be natural for some in our world today. I will break this down to first lay some foundation for using empathy.

Let's think back to a time when you really wish someone would have thought about you and did something to make your experience better. Common example, waiting in line at Wal-mart. Let's say you had a long day from working or just a stressed out day and you had to pick up a few things. After struggling to find the things you need in the mall of a store you go to the front to see only 2 lanes open with what looks like 20 people waiting to be helped.

Super annoying, slow and just adding to your exhaustion from a long day. Now in this situation you have choices of how to respond with your frustration. From your point of view (and most others) this wait is ridiculous.

Now to apply empathy is a few processes to think about in your mind. How does this make you feel? Tired, irritated or frustrated?

Now another step, how does it make those around you feel? This is more complicated because you can't mind read. Let a little imagination fill it in.

To use your imagination to apply empathy you may need to pull from some memories. Was there a time where you were forced to wait because someone failed your expectations? If you can't think of something recent go back further like childhood.

As a child you may have been starving after playing and your parent was making you wait till dinner was done but they started late for one reason or it wasn't time to eat yet. As a child you probably felt frustrated or let down. You might have thrown a temper tantrum in defiance or tried to plead with your parent because you just couldn't wait.

Now as a child its understandable to be defiant or angry as your expressing yourself. But as you get older society expects you to handle frustration in a different manner. An adult brain is better capable of logical thinking. Empathy is a tool for logical thinking but it's not something you're born knowing and may not have been something your parent taught you.

Empathy is like using a memory and changing a couple details to look similar to a situation you are currently in. It's important to note that there are even some medical disorders that make empathy a difficult thing to process. They can vary from bipolar, narcissism or personality disorders. Autism is also a spectrum that can be affected by lack of empathy processing skills but not all differences should be labeled disorders.

Now that we used some imagination, another tip for being better able to apply empathy would be education. Just having knowledge of details for the situation will be important for empathy. Let's go back to the Wal-Mart line and see the cashier in this example.

In this example I'm going to add a twist for my next point. Your turn finally arrives and you notice the cashier has a manager badge. You have choices for how you react to this situation.

Choice A:

(No special information known about why there is a line)

You could determine this is the person to voice your complaints to. You could be nice about it or ... you could decide they deserve the wrath.

Choice B:

(Some known information about the wait like a sign saying they are experiencing technical difficulties)

You determine they are a manager and that they are the right person to complain to but you are nicer about it because there was a sign.

Choice C:

(Known information from working similar job)

You determine that the manager doesn't run the register unless they have had some serious problems. You use your memories of past work to know that when you had a lot of people call out at once that your manager had to chip in. Another time your manager had to run registers because of system issues where you needed a key or code to override. You decide to use empathy and choose your next words more carefully. You could be kind and say a joke about the line or you could just make sure not to complain.

For choice C using empathy means that you thought about what the other person is dealing with. For this example the manager had some kind of issues causing a line. Just thinking about that is part of using empathy. The Other part of empathy is how you respond.

Responding with empathy can make a difference in situations. Sometimes you don't know what difference you will make. Intention of action/words is important. With a complaint what is the intended result? Lets think about some results of the choices above and keep in mind that every person is different so this is just an example.

In choice A we will say that the customer was really mad and gave the manager the wrath. The manager sticks to their training and tries to be professional while the person is screaming at them. Now choice A didn't have any knowledge of why the store was so slow to check people out and determined the manager was the right person to complain to. This choice was probably made because person A thought that the manager has the power to fix the problem... Or that it's what they deserved for failing their expectations.

Many times using empathy requires some patience. Sometimes you have to halt yourself from doing or saying something impulsive so that your actions doesn't make the exchange worse. Choice A didn't help make anything better and with the manager on the register they would be sure to know there was a failure or delay happening for customers.

Choice B is a middle ground where some empathy is applied. Making a choice to "soften the blow" of a complaint won't necessarily get you complete satisfaction from your frustration but can help the other person feel less attacked or on edge. Its also something society would determine as a polite way to voice a complaint. You can do this without being in the wrong for unleashing wrath and still get the point across.

Choice C is for the well practice empathy user and their knowledge from past experience assisted them in making a kinder choice. Empathy is something that can be used in any setting. An edge for using empathy is it shows that you are being thoughtful in the situation and helps promote positive progress. For choice C we will say that the customer made a joke about the situation as they were being rung up and went about their day. If you "put yourself in the manager's shoes" (using empathy skills) hearing a joke after dealing with many frustrated customers might just give you a little joy and less stress for the day.

If we want to make extreme examples we could say that this simple joke to divert from the frustrating situation might have helped the manager get through their day. What if the person behind you was influenced to take the situation more positively? This small act of empathy could have a partial domino affect to make the experience better for others.

Empathy can be used in personal or political settings in a similar way. But if this isn't something you are used to using you may wonder why bother when thinking "I'm right anyway". The point of getting through a political or personal confrontation/disagreement is for cooperation.

When we are dismissive of others points or react in anger the conversation is at a stand still and no cooperation can be met. It's a helpful tool to address this situation in an empathetic manner because it helps the other side see you are considering some of their feelings/experiences into your view point or decision. Some may find this difficult when it comes to major differences.

My deep dive into empathy will be my next article with a very current problem facing us here in the US.