Emotional Security - The Solution for ‘Deep Into Old Age’

Life has shown that the great loves - Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, etc. - have been tumultuous, but they have all ended dramatically for the couple. Why? They lacked the most important ingredient for building a balanced and stable relationship: emotional security.

A fulfilled sex life is based on emotional security, both on the part of the woman and the man. The parasympathetic vegetative nervous system, which comes into operation when we relax, increases the sensitivity to touch, as well as the arousal of the genitals and the appearance of orgasm, which makes the sexual experience truly fulfilling.

Women, in particular, need to feel completely safe to relax. Indeed, sometimes new experiences can be stimulating, but their effect is intense only in the short term. Why? Because it activates adrenaline throughout the body, an effect that passes quite quickly.

After the adrenaline rush, we will feel apathetic, reluctant, and quite indifferent to our partners.

The mistakes that young people make in their relationship

Nowadays, movies and porn sites are the main source of inspiration for young people who want to learn how to have sex. They learn that good sex needs to happen quickly and spontaneously and is reduced especially in the sexual organs.

Porn movies take sexuality out of the context of a relationship and focus on haste and speed; on getting a quick orgasm, like an express that doesn't stop at any station.

From adult movies, men, especially young people, come to believe that wild sex parties are just as enjoyable for women. It's false.

Most of the time, in these situations, women have learned to disguise pleasure and behave as if they were very stimulated, but they are not aroused enough before starting sexual intercourse. From time to time, such an approach may be okay, but if this way of making love becomes a habit, the sexual relationship will suffer.

Emotional security, the solution for a woman's orgasm

A 2009 study by Armstrong and colleagues found that only 32% of women orgasm as often as men during their first date. If the number of meetings with the same partner increases, the percentage of women who have orgasm also increases, reaching stable relationships so that 79% of women have an orgasm as often as men.

The research team has shown that in this type of relationship, men are more generous in giving stimulation and attention outside of sexual intercourse, which has the effect of achieving a state of connection and emotional security, unlike occasional sexual encounters. , in which the feeling of insecurity predominates.

How do we restore emotional security in the couple?

Nowadays, many marriages and long-term relationships are trapped in conflicts and quarrels, which destroy the feeling of emotional security. When the relationship is no longer where the two feel protected, where they feel safe, quality sex disappears.

After a conflict, the most convenient method, but proven to be ineffective, is the so-called "reconciliation sex." When we were cold and hostile a few minutes before, it is difficult or impossible to regain our partner's trust and reconnect emotionally with him. It takes time, communication, building a safe atmosphere, for the partner to overcome the unpleasant moment.

Creating this state of well-being and security in a relationship is a real process and is achieved both through verbal communication and especially through non-verbal communication.

We may not be aware, but the partner's voice, facial expression, small gestures that make us feel rejected or welcome create this state of comfort and safety and generate this secure attachment in the relationship. Fortunately, our brains have an unlimited ability to rewrite old patterns of relationships and interaction with our partners.

Neuroplasticity, this extraordinary ability of the brain to adapt and create new emotional response pathways, can be trained through psychotherapy and couple therapy, and corrective emotional experiences. This therapeutic method can help us to heal mentally and emotionally.