Emotional confusion

Its hard to fall for you when my heart is torn, torn into something.. a feeling, ive never felt in my life. I thought I loved someone who tore me into a million pieces all for their own selfish games. Found an ammusement out of it somehow, watch me fall further and further into the darkness and they were the evil smile i saw while walking further into the shadow who was swallowing me whole, everything i had, was gone. For a moment i thought he was my light.. but in reality, he's the one who destroyed me. I am not this weak, insecure woman he pounded into my brain but yet an exhilirating woman who is strong, independent and trusted by many. I am others light in this dark world, when all falls i am smart and resourceful, i am forgiven and protected by my own love for myself.. I am my own hero, warrior and knight. For a moment i was lost in your eyes and everything hemade me feel , drained away but when a small amount of information of you surfaced up, my version of you crashed and nothing felt the same. I began to get in my head, focus on the negative, get distant when i just wanted to crawl into your arms and have you be mine forever, what is wrong with me? but then i look at you and i get lost all over again.

They all tell me "a leap of faith" is all i need but i dont have any faith left and no body understands. They believe that assurance will come with time but little do they know that my patience meter is non-existant. it went down the drain the moment the "love of my life" told me he got another girl pregnant when he was station in Colorado, the amount of pain my heart went trough is more than a heart should be able to take. This was the man i was about to marry, the man i wanted to father my children, the man i gave myself too endlessly- all to be torn and smashed into the ground like i was nothing but the bud of a cigarette he smoke the last bit he could out of. I remember it like it was yesterday, i was at work in the hospital sitting with an ITA patient, just two hours before clock off. I gathered my items as i was heading back to my floor as the sitter position was no longer needed and there it is was "ding, ding," i felt the vibration in my pocket as i reached my hand in, i had no idea why but my stomache felt like a knot was creating, like i knew something terrible was about to happen before it did. After putting in my password i saw his name pop up and when i clicked on it the words, "We need to talk" came screaming at me.. when it came to him, those words were never a good start to a conversation.

He didnt even wait for me to respond before telling me he got "her" the other woman that i didn't need to "worry" about pregnant. I stood in the mothers room, the place where no one goes but me, locked the door, closed the blinds and looked at the message.. over and over again, tears filling my eyes, the phone falling my hand, my heart draining slowly from my chest down my body breaking into a million pieces. The moment the tears started to fall from my face was the moment my legs began to get weak and when my knees crashed to the floor, i broke, i felt empty, alone and heartless. Everything hurt, the tears wouldnt stop no matter what i tried, the moment i got up and collected myself, i looked at myself in the mirror whiping my tears away and the person i saw wasn't the person i recognized- it was not the person i built myself up to become but the person i remembered in middle school, highschool and partly a little into college.. it was the girl who no longer cared whether she died or not, it was the girl who would cut herself to make herself feel again, snap her back into reality if you will, it was the girl that i no longer was or wanted to be and i was scared and frightened all over again.

A year of self improvement and care slowly brought me back to the person i was but i was drowning myself with work and school while he was moving on with new females and a somewhat new family, at first i tried to forgive him and move forward as a unit but it was doing nothing to better myself only making me feel everything all over again, over and over like an endless cycle of misery. I made attempts to express to friends but im not so great with my emotions nor talking about "my" problems, i usually brush things under the rug or dont explain how i truly feel, yet sugar coat it like, yeah it bums me out but im good, even when I'm so broken all i ever want to do is cry and hide, alone. You on the other hand ive known for awhile, you were always a mystery to me, someone who was cute but the opposite of what i needed/wanted. The city boy to the country man i thought i needed, but you kept surprising me, you wanted to learn dances so you could two step with me and when you took your chance of kissing me on the dance floor my stomache felt something it hasnt felt since i was 18, i felt butterflies and the more i connected with you and got to be with you the more i fell and i was falling hard. You let me be me, you let me be confident in my own skin, boosted me up when i felt crappy, showed me affection when other girls tried to steal your attention, you were different but was i ok with that? i didn't even know the answer to that in all honesty, but i was learning to be ok with it- i was learning to enjoy it, i was learning to start lovingthewayyouweretreatingme

Then i found out about "her" your little fun buddy before me, she watched me while i was smiling at you, she watched me while i was on the dance floor, she watched me while i put my lips on yours, she watched my reactions to every moment you touched me but even more to that, she was watching you. You left her hurt and alone, she wanted you and you left her for apparently me, and thats where the skepticism in me is surfacing, the part of my brain that is screaming "run, before you get hurt" the part of me that is questioning you, wondering if you're just like him, always looking for someone better and dropping them the moment you find them, the heartlessness and unconsideration of others feelings that he was so good at following through on, well the only thing he was really good at following through on besides making me feel smaller than he already did. You made it seem like you were like me, not sleeping around, focusing on yourself, honest and open. Yet when i asked you to let me know when you're active with others, you stated you dont sleep around, was this a lie? Or did she not count, sinceshecamebeforeme?

Others are validating your actions and saying "at least he ended it for you" but as others see this as a positive, i see it as a negative. If its so easy for you to drop a girl, why should i believe im going to be the exception. Part of me is screaming to give you a chance and take the leap even if i dont have any faith left, but then theres that part of me that screams to leave and protect myself, the illusion i made of you, actually the illusion that others made of you crashed after that information was exposed. Now the big question is lingering in the air, do i take the leap or run for the door, any thoughts?