Elder Abuse

Parents love their children. Mothers, well, our love can be exploited easily. The love one has between child and mother sets up a level of vulnerability. We assume the level of love is equal in return. We look past the 'ouch' that our children inflict on us. We truly want to help even though we have to sacrifice something in order to provide or help. What our children do not understand is this, a hundred dollar bill can feed an elder for a few weeks. That means, they are willing to eat less or not pay a bill so you can have, whatever, when they hand over money.

I have been guilty of this with my own mother. I have fallen onto some very dark places in my life and my mother was there to help. She was a very kind woman with a very good soul. If she could help, she did. If not, her advice was always on spot. I miss being able to call her and knowing I would get good solid advice. Love is all I should have taken from her.

Children can be selfish and never consider what the parent must give up in order meet the need or request of their child. Recently, my son and his girl gave me a taste of my own medicine. Exploitation of my kindness was exactly the same as the exploitation I did to my mother. My experience was ten-fold to what I did to my mother but obviously, I had to go through the experience in order to fix the wrongs I did to her. I am firm in believer in generational healing so I had a lot of karma to clean up and went to hell's fire to emerge here today feeling ready to talk about my abuse.

Saving or Enabling

Due to my son's choices, he has come upon a tough time in his life. In the hands of a narcissist, he has succumbed to the life of abuse and yet he clings tightly to her. I wish he could understand that I will not accept the abuse from her too. Sadly, if she were to come around, I would have 911 ready at a touch and a recording device running at all times. Her unpredictable rage and attention seeking behaviors are the reason I am at the ready to get outside help. Yet, he chooses to endure a life with her in hopes he is the key to her healing. His choice is scary and not one where many have come out damaged. I have watch him wither away mentally and physically before my eyes.

As a mother, I know I can not rescue him until he chooses to free himself from the throws of verbal abuse. Like my mother, I had attempted to help them, then after being assaulted by her, I was there for just him. I have watched him lose jobs because of her. I have watched them lose three homes because of her rage. I am at the point of, "It will be what it will be." I just hopes he survives it and can recover from her abuse. No one can influence another to choose themselves, not even a mother. All I know is, he is not an elder, abuse help can only come if he seeks it. So I pray, daily, that he will choose himself and his well-being.

What I have come to terms with is my action and reaction to his situation. I had to stand and place huge boundaries around me against them. My stance, "No matter how sad his story is, I will no longer give financial help. I will serve him food and let him warm himself over a cup of tea while we talk but no money will be given. Imagine what I, as his mother, went through to get to this point of resistance.

Let me give you a hint, I have cashed out two 401k because of the financial damage that has been inflicted through me trying to help. No, I never had that kind of an impact on my mother but any negative impact shouldn't have happened to her, so, through this experience, karmic debt has evened out. What he can be sure of, he will never get a piece of my 401k payout when I pass.

Elder Abuse

I have wielded it, witnessed it, and now I will fight to defend my friends who too are experiencing it. No matter your ethnicity, elder abuse is so prevalent in society. Many suffer elder abuse and never say anything about it. They take financial blow after blow from messes they did not create. I have stood with the fortitude of the following statement, "I did not create it and therefore I will not fix it." If I am responsible for the issue, then I will help. [This will not include posting bail if I call for outside help.]

Strength and Fortitude

Those who are always in act and react state lose strength and fortitude. My mother had been so abused through the years and have overcome so many obstacles, she had no strength to tell me no or to go and figure it out myself. Looking back on it now, I wonder what else she had to give up for me in order for me to have. What struggles did I place her into because of my stupid decisions. I will say this, "Mom, I am strong enough to defend the weary and have the fortitude of my ancestors to defend those who can't."

I have been blessed by many strong elders in my life. Their examples show of resilience and many struggled to thrive. Yet, the giving nature of a parent is expected to be given without question. Little lumps on logs expect to be fed because they are living under the same roof. The elders are just suppose to provide? No, the young feed and care for the elders. Not the other way around. I smile when I see the proper dynamic in other elder's lives and think, 'One day, I hope to be as blessed.'

In the Future

I can't totally envision the next steps to protecting myself from elder abuse but what I learn I can teach. I remember in 2018 I went to a conference and elder abuse laws were just being discussed in Native communities. The numbers of various abuses were astounding. Shoot, abuse in my Native family included: rape, molestation, verbal and physical abuse, exploitation and I am sure my siblings could add more. My elders, only knew of this life so they didn't know that they were being abused due to it being a NORMAL way to live.

As a researcher, I have my work to do to provide protection for myself and family. Adults need different discipline administered by higher authorities. Yes, I have had to call the police and have my son arrested. If I have to do it again, I assure you I will. I no longer carry the guilt for seeking help because of his actions. After all it was his decision to do the deed. However, I will find ways to be a mom without having the need to provide the needs of a codependent child and his abuser. I have to protect myself first so I can teach others how to protect themselves.

Abuse

According to the National Institute on Aging, they list six different types of abuses and their description. Physical abuse, Emotional abuse, Neglect, Abandonment, Sexual abuse and Financial abuse. As I read through the list's description, I can say, I have been or have been a witness to all of these abuses. It didn't matter color or creed, that didn't matter, everyone gets old and becomes susceptible in their elder years. I have witnessed a ton of abuse and have become aware of the grander issue than my small world.

My decision, I have decided to become an "mandated reporter". I don't think there is such a thing for elderly abuse but, I have chosen to put the elder abuse hotline in my phone so I can report suspected abuse. For your convivence, here's the number: 800-677-1116. If I witness the abuse, I am calling.

At this point in my journey, I feel it is time to meet with my lawyer to set up rules of engagement between my son and his girl. I believe I will ask for supervised visitation. That way, he, she and I are safe to engage in a non-threatening way. I can only keep myself in check, I can't guarantee she can. Imagine, facing the fact that I need outside protection as an elder. This is not the way our culture is meant to be. Actually, any ethnicity deserves dignity and respect in their elder years. I didn't think this was how my journey was supposed to be but, here it is.

I hope sharing my story will bring awareness to this huge issue in society. I would suggest reviewing the lists provided on the National Institute of Aging to keep your awareness sharp for your aging friends and family. Elderly living alone are so vulnerable. I am vulnerable but my awareness will assist me in keeping myself, friends and family safe from users and abusers. I have the strength that my mother didn't have and the fortitude to not buckle because I have the determination not to let it happen again. I hope, you too will help support those around you and keep them safe in their 'Golden' years. Please, and thank you. Sheila L. Chingwa