Dropping the Ts to Get Some Zs

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

The Serenity Prayer, written by American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, is the inspiration for my New Year’s resolution for 2022, with a twist. As I lay in bed at night, unable to fall asleep from the endless thoughts and stresses that keep flooding my brain, it’s time to learn to accept the things I cannot accept. Yes, I know that’s not what the prayer says, but it is my take and my resolution. Confused? Bear with me a moment, I will try to make sense of it.

For almost two years, we have been dealing with a pandemic that has cost endless lives, and shown us a segment of humanity we never wanted to believe existed, a humanity of callous selfishness and complete lack of regard for the health and well being of others. It annoys me. It irritates me, and it keeps me awake at night. I will never give credence to the attitude of some people. I cannot accept their self absorption, but what I can accept is that I need to change my reaction toward them. I need to stop allowing someone else’s insensitivity to affect me emotionally, and come to terms with the reality that I am never going to change their minds, In other words, I have to drop the “t”, and realize I can accept the thing I can’t accept.

Another thing I have difficulty accepting is my mother’s dementia. It’s still early stage, so she is functional. She has trouble with short term memory mostly, and sometimes forgets people she knows well – like her own grandchildren. I am not only her daughter, but her full time caregiver, thus am responsible for, among other things, ensuring she takes her medication. Just yesterday, shortly after she took her evening pills, she insisted she hadn’t and wanted to take more. It turned into an argument which ended with her screaming at me that I was trying to make her think she was losing her mind. Most times, things she forgets are irrelevant, like the score of the game we’re watching. Who cares if she looks at the screen and says “I didn’t know we scored”, when we both cheered five minutes ago. It’s not a hill worth dying on. Ensuring she doesn’t overdose is.

My Mom has always been a strong willed, old fashioned mother who can never admit she’s wrong. When I remind her of things she’s forgotten, she can be very argumentative, and very cruel. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if her reaction stems from Dementia or just her personality, which causes problems between us. I cannot control her Dementia, and I can’t accept some of the heartless things she says. I can remind myself that those cutting words are not coming from her heart, but from a mind that is suffering an illness neither of us has control over. Instead of lying in bed awake, thinking of the insults, I can remember the place from where they came, and let it go.

The past two years have been hard on all of us, and surely cost us endless hours of restful sleep. For me personally, it was not because of the pandemic alone, but also more personal issues, sometimes tragic. My Mom’s Dementia has been a lesson in patience and understanding which I am still struggling to accept. My best friend’s death from cancer is a tragedy I absolutely cannot accept, even six months later. She was not only my best friend, but also my cousin. We had never had anyone in our family who was affected by cancer before, so her diagnosis last January was quite a shock. She passed away in July, one day after my birthday. I still miss her. I still think of her every day. I still pick up my phone looking for a text message or intend to tag her on funny FB meme, until it hits me. Sometimes I lay in bed at night, thinking of old memories which are getting a little foggy in my middle aged mind, and tell myself I’m going to call her in the morning to ask if she remembers. Then it hits me, and I cry and lie awake again.

I am aware that my friend is gone. I attended her funeral. I have written poems and stories about my grief, and how much I miss her. What I don’t understand is why I keep forgetting that, why I think I can call her or tag her on a post, or receive a text message. I haven’t fully come to terms with the fact that I will never see her in this world again, but I have to. I can’t accept the cruelty of the monster that took her, but I can accept that we had over thirty years of great memories that no beast can take away and concentrate more on that. It’s what she would want.

I’ve never been a person who was able to achieve relaxation by outside stimulus such as soothing music or white noise, healing crystal or scents. It works for some, and I know people who swear by it. It’s just not for me. My healing has to come from within. My relaxation has to come from an ability to obtain a peaceful mind. Other than possibly attending group sessions, which I have no interest in doing at this point, it’s up to me to find my calm. I have tried breathing exercises and meditation. That hasn’t had much effect either. My resolution will come from acceptance.

There are things I cannot change and have to accept. There are things morally, spiritually or emotionally I will never accept, but I have to. I will never accept the attitude of callous selfish people, but I have to accept that my reaction is wrong. I will never accept heart-breaking words from the one person who should love me the most, but I have to accept the real place those words come from. I will never accept the loss of a friend who was there for most of the best memories of my life, but I have to accept that she’s not coming back. For the sake of my health, well-being, and sanity, I have to learn to accept the unacceptable, to drop the “T” from can’t and embrace the idea that I can. I can accept that I don’t control other peoples’ opinions. I can accept that harsh words don’t mean a hard heart, and I can accept that death doesn’t have to be the end, that memories live forever. When I am able to accept the unacceptable, my mind and body will accept a much needed rest.