Don’t Wait Up

I spent over three years of my life trying to make things work with someone who didn’t want me. I know, it sounds stupid, but in my head, I thought...Well, he keeps coming back for a reason, maybe we are meant to be together. Wrong. I learned that people don’t come back around because y’all are “meant to be together,” but because it’s easy. It’s easy to type up a small paragraph or make a phone call and talk up a good game on how you’re sorry and want to make things work. That’s all it takes for you to fall. Soon enough, they start slipping into their old ways; the inconsistency, you wondering what you’re doing wrong, and why you’re not good enough, what is it about you that you need to fix to make things work, why is it that you just can’t be enough for him?

It’s not you, it’s him. I constantly questioned what was wrong with me. I was doing everything right. I gave all a woman could to their partner, and yet it still wasn’t enough. I wanted this person to be in my life so badly that I was willing to settle for less as long as it meant he was a part of my life.

I was willing to deal with the going missing for days and only reaching out to me when he felt like it. Inconsistency became a norm for me. I was okay with dealing with him playing games and messing around. I felt he would grow out of it and realize what he had. I dealt with him calling me out my name and disrespecting me. I swore he didn’t mean it. I always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. He would say he was sorry, things were good for a week, then boom, back to his bullshit. I loved him so much I was willing to take him in whatever way I could get him. I was wrong for that.

Those who have never truly been in love wouldn’t understand anything I’m writing. They’ll probably think I’m a dumb bitch for even dealing with any of what I’ve dealt with. I would know because I use to be an outsider looking into other people’s love lives, questioning why they would put up with anything they put up with... until I was on the inside. I cried myself to sleep every night and it wasn’t any regular cry, it was crying to the point where I couldn’t breathe; I had a headache and my eyes were bloodshot red. I prayed to God every night for strength—the strength to move on. Something. I even had another person come along the way and show me the way I was supposed to be treated, but I ended up hurting him because I was still caught up in the pain he caused me. I spent three years, and in those three years, I never in my life thought I would get over it. As I kept talking to God and asking for strength, I found myself ignoring his texts, denying his calls, not thinking about him. I started to love myself and know the type of woman I was and what I had to offer the world. What I’m trying to say is: Don’t wait up. Don’t wait around for someone to get their shit together because, truth be told, they never will. They know it’s so easy for them to snap their fingers and you’ll welcome them back in your life with open arms, even after they hurt you time and time again. Don’t wait around. It’s not gonna be easy. You’ll cry. You’ll think about it every day. You’ll isolate yourself. You’re gonna be hurt. Block him on everything. Make sure there’s no way for him to contact you. Change your phone number. Change your email, whatever you have to do. Toxic men will try to make it seem like they care by calling your private, emailing you saying they miss you and they're sorry—don’t fuckin' fall for it. It’s a LIE. Take that time to heal, to discover different things about yourself, to grow, and learn to love yourself. Remind yourself what you bring to the table and never be afraid to eat alone. DON’T WAIT UP.