Do As I Write Not As I Do

Do As I Write Not As I Do

…trust me, I know everything

For the past month, I have read at least 10 Vocal Media articles a day.

So many people offer advice on how to garner attention, be a better lover, make more money writing, and just be happier. Yet nobody seems to be an accepted expert in the area or field in which they are offering their life-changing wisdom.

I am a good example. My most popular articles are about long-lasting love, yet I am a twice-divorced 55-year-old frog-of-a-man who knows as much about love as a Sumo wrestler knows about dieting.

I suppose that is the beauty of social media platforms, if you have got a million followers and are popular, you're an expert.

And so, here's my advice on everything, simply because I am alive, I feel special, and I drive a Sonata:

FOOD: Eating is one of the most pleasurable experiences in the world. Try to have one piece of chocolate or a single slice of pizza. The only way to maintain a healthy weight is to be on an excruciating, never-ending diet. Some call this a lifestyle change. Nope. A lifestyle change is untucking your shirt or wearing loafers without socks. You will know you are eating the correct portion size if you are perpetually hungry and angry about it. Bonus points if you cannot stand people who seem to gorge all the time and stay thin.

SEX: You can either enjoy having multiple sexual partners your entire life and forgo the joy of being in a loving, monogamous relationship or marriage, or you can accept that sex gets boring with the same person over time. True love is about more than the pleasure of the flesh.

MONEY: You are either a spender or a saver. If you are a spender you will probably never make enough money to feed your materialistic desires. If you are a saver, you will eventually accumulate enough money to die rich. Yes, people inherit money or make billions, but that is a tiny percentage of the population. Spend it if you got it.

DRUGS: They make you feel good but shorten your life.

AFTERLIFE: We either exist inside or outside of our bodies. If our consciousness is just a biological byproduct of our advanced brains, there is no afterlife, we simply die and are gone. If our consciousness exists outside of our bodies and we are just receivers, the way a radio is just a box until it transmits airwaves, we live forever in the vast universal cosmos.

BOWLING: Bowling is a little like anal sex. We all want it, but not that often.

JEALOUSY: This one is simple. We will always be jealous of people who are richer, thinner, sexier, and smarter than we are. Fight it with everything you got; it’ll drown you.

IMAGINATION: If you have a vibrant, active imagination, you will never be lonely. And sex with the same person will remain fresh longer since it is mostly in the mind anyway.

AGING: Getting old sucks. You end up losing your health, your skin sags, your sex appeals wanes, and then you die. But in the meanwhile, a decent bowel movement makes life worth living.

In all seriousness, being too serious is counterproductive. No matter how old you are, fantasy will always exceed reality. That wild sexual escapade may be right around the corner. That dream of retiring on the beach is theoretically possible. No matter how bad you think you have it, someone has it infinitely worse.

How dare you complain! Your bliss exists….go grab it.