Divorce, in All Its Glory

I once read in Amy Poehler's autobiography the following quote:

"Divorce is like laying everything you love out on a blanket, tossing it up in the air and not having a clue where everything will land".

You need to keep your sanity, so try and see the positive side of everything that occurs. By this, I don't mean get you zen on and yoga away your worries. I mean, every ridiculous expenditure from the soon to be ex that you cannot control, it's ammo.

A judge will hate it and it will go against them. Nasty emails and texts, keep them all. They may be upsetting, but it is just proof of their ability to be an arsehole.

Friends that turn against you? You're lucky, many people never know who their true friends are. You're getting to find out and have a good clear out.

Children in Divorce

When kids are involved, they obviously come first. They are not leverage. They are not a tool to wind your ex up or gain control in a situation that threatens any sense of security. It takes years to get used to not seeing your kids every 2nd weekend, not being able to know their whereabouts (control), but it WILL get easier.

It is a horribly unsettling experience that is hard to get a grip of, a 'weekend off' it is not. Find a way to occupy yourself and gain control over your life. Get fit, get addicted to eBay, whatever works.

Solicitor

If you do not trust your solicitor, or they are not communicating with you efficiently, don't go ahead with one of the most stressful events in your life with uncertainty. If you do not trust your solicitor, find one you do trust. Would you have childcare that you couldn't trust? This person is helping you negotiate your kids, home and finances.Do not shy away from what you do not understand, this is too important to not understand the ins and outs.

Assets

A partner with an excellent job and investments that may have previously provided for a good life will miraculously disappear. Forensic accounting will sort this out if an acceptable understanding of finances cannot be ascertained. Be aware that the second even the thought of a divorce is on the cards, this is when preparations for 'operation: hiding cash' begins.

There is the desire to accept less and let it all stop sooner. All the fighting, bitching, endless administration, stress - you name it. You have to assess what you can tolerate and what is best for you, your sanity and your family.

Nobody wins in a divorce, it's horrible for all involved. But in an acrimonious divorce, any 'win' in court is played out differently outside of court. For every action, there is a reaction.

Power Struggles

Do not take being bullied, sooner or later you will need to stand up for what is right. Make a stand as early as possible, why delay the inevitable? It is a form of abuse. There should be a law against abusive ex-partners, especially based on where children are involved. This is not necessarily physical abuse, it can be emotional abuse and social abuse, yet the victim has to constantly deal with them, often with faux friendships 'for the sake of the children'. Invariably there is one parent that has to keep it eerily calm and friendly...

There should be guidelines in place to prevent such a potentially damaging and stressful state of affairs. Whatever rights are deemed to be automatic, these rights should be challenged if the victim's rights are also devoid of consideration. Why should the abuser have the upper hand? This is what bullying is about and the villain plays the victim so well. Otherwise are we not just allowing for validating their need for power?

Don't let them steal energy that is not his (or hers) to take.

The best advice I would like to give is to try and rationalise your fears.