Divorce 101

I was looking at my calendar today and was amazed to see that there is actually a holiday today, it’s panic day. I honestly didn’t know that we had a day that we were allowed to panic. A day to actually let loose and feel what we are taught to not feel. I sat here and thought about it for moment, do I really want to let those feeling loose? Is it okay to feel that way? What if I start panicking and I don’t stop? Going through this divorce has brought on whole range of feelings that I never allowed myself to feel before. I never allowed myself to cry before but sometimes I’ve found, since he left, that it is hard to stop it. If I tried not to panic, then my anger and sadness spilled into other parts of my life where it didn’t belong. This is how we develop the baggage we seem to carry from past experiences into future ones. Below is a list of areas that it may affect you, how to decipher if that is what you are doing and ways to avoid it or fix it if it does happen.

1. Denial- If you are avoiding the topic of divorce, you may be in denial. If you find yourself saying to other people, or even just yourself, that this is just a separation, they will get out there and find out they miss me or I am just going to wait this out it will correct itself, you are most likely still in denial. This is a very difficult phase to deal with, for you and for all the people around you. Sure, this may be just a separation, I don’t know your situation, but you need to look at things realistically. Are you in counseling together? Are you working on fixing it? Or are you both looking in other directions for comfort, from friends, family, or new relationships? If that is something either one of you are doing, chances are there will be no way to work this out. If someone new steps into between you then chances are you are not going to focus on the marriage. It may not work out with this other person but how did they get there anyway? Taking a solid look at the relationship and a realistic look at the relationship is your best bet whether there is someone in the middle or not. Even if you are in counseling or finding a way to work on it if you don’t look at the hard truths you will never fix anyway. You need to take the steps to focus on why the relationship is floundering. This may sound a little strange but if you are denying that you are in denial then most likely it will spill into other areas of your life. You may find yourself “sugarcoating” the situation. The best thing to do is not sugarcoat it. There may be real issues you need to deal with. The hardest thing to do is face them but that is exactly what you should do. I made a list of all the good things and the bad things in our relationship. I was lucky though, we had a lot of emails that I could pile through to look for the changes in our marriage, to look for the changes in how he talked to me and to figure out what happened. Most people don’t have that, they must go from memory and when you are in the denial phase those memories can be clouded. It is hard to look at anything because you don’t seem to remember it the way it really was or again, you sugarcoat the memory. My suggestion is to ask someone else, a professional, if possible, their opinion on the subject. Sometimes an outsider’s perspective can really help. Maybe someone else was there or someone else may know you both well enough to see something you don’t. Having someone else tell you what they see does help but please remember that if they are your friend, they me be somewhat biased towards you and they may try to protect you from getting hurt. That is why I recommend a professional, they should be unbiased and most likely have experience dealing with this type of a situation.

2. Anger- If you are avoiding anger this could be a volatile situation. Holding back anger can lead to all kinds of problems, ulcers, sudden rage attacks and even illness. Most likely if you are avoiding anger issues you will feel yourself getting upset over smaller things that wouldn’t normally make you upset. You will be frustrated easily, less patient and maybe even too quiet. People may be asking you what is wrong, and you may tell them nothing or may not be able to put your finger on why you seem to feel lost. This may sound scary but people who have sudden bursts of rage, as in shooting sprees and other acts of violence, could be holding back anger from a completely different situation than the one they acted on. They have let it sit and fester until something else triggers all that flood of emotion. The best thing to do if you are stuck in anger is to let it out little bits at a time. My daughter used to have a lot of anger when she was little. She didn’t deal with things well and held it all in. I gave her a bunch of old magazines and a garbage can and had her tear the magazines up and put in the garbage can. This way she vented her anger constructively, little bits at a time and today, now that she is 15 years old, she still gets angry, but she deals with it at the time or lets it out in a constructive manner. Exercise is good for anger too, not only does it relieve the stress that anger can cause but it relieves the adrenaline rush you get when you are angry. It takes your body past the rush and burns it off. I used to go outside and run down the road when I would get mad, by the time I got back I was ready to deal with it, without raging. If you feel that you can’t seem to find a way to deal with the anger, then seek the advice of a professional. There are anger management programs, I am sure you have all heard about them. They are there to help you find ways to deal with it that work for you.

3. Depression- I’m sure you have all seen the commercials on television, “if you feel overwhelmed, you don’t enjoy your favorite activities and you have lack of motivation, then you may have depression.” All of these are true, along with feeling tired, cutting yourself off from the world, changes in appetite, alcohol binges, food binges, and just about anything that may be out of the norm for you. There are so many signs of depression, and it is one of the number one causes of illness these days, it is hard for anyone to not fall into the depression category. It is when it becomes a problem, and you can’t seem to get out it that it becomes an issue. The best advice is to seek professional help but some of us either don’t need it or can’t afford it. This is when I take the steps to make myself cry. I never allowed myself to that before but now I know that there is a need to cry. We need to vent that depression, release it somehow and tears seem to do the trick. I used to think that if I cried, I would never stop, but that was just the depression talking. Finally, one day I did start crying and felt like I couldn’t stop but when I actually did stop, I realized that it was the best thing I ever did. Instead of holding it back and letting that wall against the world form I let it out. Now I let it out when I need to and you know, I don’t seem to cry as long anymore. I know I can stop, and I don’t seem so drained when it’s over. I just feel more powerful. I feel like I can face the world and when something happens that used to make me feel overwhelmed and drained before, it doesn’t seem to hit me so hard. I still have phases where I seem to get depressed but like I said, I make myself cry. I will do everything I can to make myself eyes water. I will watch a sad movie or play songs that make me sad and I will try to run the situation that bothers me through my head. I make myself face it. It seems to help me out it faster. But you need to find what works for you and if you can’t seem to pull out of it there are programs out there that will help you find a professional to work with, no matter what your income is. There are support groups you can meet with and there is a whole world of people feeling just like you. It’s good to talk to other people and it is ok to admit your depressed, we all go through it. Prayer has helped me too. I talk to God like he is my dad, I ask him why, I tell him how sorrowful I feel, and it helps to vent that. You are never alone. Tell your friends that you don’t feel like talking but you need to anyway. I know my friends have been very supportive and they will ask me if I just need company, or they will talk and eventually I open up. Talking about it, admitting it and getting it out is the best therapy but again, you need to face reality and not sugarcoat anything that may be bothering you or you are not really working through it.

4. Loneliness- If you are faking a smile when one of your friends is happy in a relationship you are most likely lonely. If you have problems going to bed at night or you sleep on the couch because you fell asleep watching television, you are probably lonely. Most people know when they are lonely but one thing you need to avoid, if you are feeling like this, is replacement. Some people eat to replace loneliness, some people drink, some people even fill their lives with other people to face this loneliness. The fact is that you are not alone, you have you. I have taken this alone time and tried to turn it into something that I enjoy. I didn’t replace the loneliness with food or some other habit that may be harmful for me. I tried to replace it with things that help me, like exercise, writing, reading, anything that is harder to do when people are around. That way I look forward to that time alone. I take up the whole bed when I sleep now, sleeping on the couch was actually very bad for my back and neck. When my house is silent, I try to enjoy it instead of filling it with people or noise. I take time for myself which is very helpful in dealing with my depression and other things I need force myself through. Remember though, loneliness can lead to depression. Don’t cut yourself off from the world so often that you aren’t getting over anything, you’re not working through anything, or you feel even more isolated. If you feel that you are not dealing with loneliness well then find a support group of people who are going through the same things, you are going through.

I realize that there it is difficult to understand exactly what you are going through sometimes. Hopefully some of these ideas will be helpful and if you have more, we would love to hear them. I tried to get a good foundation in the list today to help you learn to look inside yourself and try to find your reality. That is the most important thing to do is find out who you are and what you need. We all tend to sit and blame other people or situations for how we are feeing but taking control of what you feel is important. You have a right to feelings, and no one has control of that. You may feel that someone else made you feel a certain way, but you can choose to change that. Seeking professional help in the sorting process can help but ultimately it is up to you to take that step. The important thing to remember on this day of panic is to not panic. Take your deep breath and another step forward. The fact that you are reading articles and searching for a way to deal with your loss shows that you are learning to find out how to fix any situation in your life. It is always the right step to educate yourself and get knowledge about what you may be going through.

Thank you so much for reading my article today. Don’t be afraid to comment below and let people know you have been here. I would like to share your story or ideas for others please contact me at [email protected] and I will tell your side. This is an area for people to share, get ideas and support. Come back often and check in, because we really want you to know we understand everything you’re going through, and you are not alone.