Desperate for Love

by Anu 6ix about a year ago in love

Never lose hope.

Desperate for Love

It was two years ago, I felt something for this guy, let’s call him R. When we started talking to each other, it didn’t seem that special for some reason. I don’t know why it felt like he didn’t like me the same way I did, but yet I gave the whole thing a shot. Months passed by and I still felt like he did not have the same feelings as me. Since this was all long distance, the only thing we could do was chat. In those few months, I asked him if we could talk over the phone. He said no because he felt uncomfortable talking to anyone so I didn’t bother forcing him. I never got the attention from him as his girlfriend so I slowly stopped talking to him. A few months after that, I started talking to someone else, let’s name him A.

Me and A talked for hours and hours, and honestly speaking I never thought that I would fall for him so soon. So we started dating. As soon as we got into a relationship, I blocked all the guys from everywhere, even R. At that time, I was in Bangladesh where A lived, so we met, hung out, and had so much fun. But before we knew it, it was time for me to fly back to Canada. I loved him so much because, at that time, I was so desperate to just be in love. Or the feeling of being in love. We did everything together. We would FaceTime almost every day, talk all the time, and there were many many days when we slept over the phone together. He was like my best friend, he was my best friend. He would listen to all of my problems and would tell me what’s right and wrong. He would make me feel better. He would shower me with so much love, the kinda love that I haven’t felt in a very long time. I was happy.

But suddenly after months, it turned into a bittersweet kind of love. We would fight almost all the time. We had arguments and disagreements with the smallest things. Since I am short tempered, this resulted in me yelling at my mom and my brother for no reason. I would bang my head on the wall, throw things (I broke two phones), and he wouldn't be bothered at all. There were days when I cried my lungs out and he would just block me everywhere because he thought I was doing all that for attention. Not knowing what to do, I would call all my friends, his friends asking for help. I used to beg them to call him, to convince him to unblock me and hear me out. He would do it, but I guess because he pitied me. We were very on and off. Even after all that, I was just happy to have him by my side cause I loved him so much. I guess having him around me so much turned into a bad habit or an obsession.

This led me to depression; I used to have anxiety and panic attacks. I would cut myself and cry myself to sleep sometimes and wouldn't know the reason behind it but yet I chose him over everything, even before me. But sadly, he showed no concern towards my feelings or my health.

My friends obviously knew everything and they told me that I deserved better and I'm worth so much more, I always used to ignore everything they said cause I didn't want to feel the feeling of losing him or I was just in denial. But it was becoming intolerable for both me and him. So after six months, we both realized that the relationship we had was becoming toxic. It was hard to let go but I had to do it for myself. I slowly started understanding what my friends meant. I understood that I forgot to love myself before loving someone else, I understood that I lost my self-respect for a guy who didn't bother valuing me. I forgot loving the people who loved me to death because I felt like I couldn't divide my love between him and everyone else in my life.

It wasn't that hard to move on because I understood my worth gradually and would always tell myself that I deserved better than what I settled for. I started to move on slowly and after a few months, I decided to unblock R and ask how he’s doing. I told him that I left all of a sudden cause I wasn’t getting enough attention from him and that I dated someone else for a year. I told him everything, about the way A treated me, how he made it seem like nothing mattered to him at all. He was very understanding but he was hurt too. R told me exactly what my friends said. That I deserved better and someone who treated me right. He told me everything I wanted to hear. He told me that he would stalk me here and there and would see my pictures with A. He told me that he was very hurt by my actions but he was happy that I was back.

Before I knew it, I fell for him and this time way harder than before. He always knew the right things to say, till this day. This has been going on for eight months and he makes me really happy, and this time I mean it. But...

Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Anu 6ix

I believe whatever you're going through right now, things do get better. If you ever give up, remind yourself that you're stronger than you think. And I promise you, life get's better and everything eventually falls into place.

See all posts by Anu 6ix