Dependence and Independence

I frequently find myself struggling between wanting my independence and wanting dependence, too. It is my belief that we need a healthy balance of both. I want someone I can depend on. Someone who has my back. Someone to share life with. I feel I am hard wired for that type of connection. On the other hand, I also want and need my independence. My alone time.

Are you in a relationship and often wish you were single? Are you single and often wish you were in a relationship? Can you have both? Can you have your independence and be dependent at the same time? Again, I do not think it is a matter of wanting both, as much as it is a matter of needing both.

While being a part of the dating pool the past seven years, I have discovered so many people who are too far on the dependence side. In the psychology world, it is known as codependency. According to Psychology Today, the definition of codependency is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.

Dependence upon another person can be a positive and desirable trait. However, codependence is very harmful.

The dependent relationship involves two people who rely on each other for support and love. They both find value in the relationship. In the codependent relationship however, one person feels worthless unless they are needed by the other. They feel they must be needed by the other in order to have purpose in life. The codependent person feels constant anxiety about the relationship.

In a dependent relationship, both parties find joy in outside interest, other friends, and hobbies. In the codependent relationship, one person has no personal identity, interests, or values outside the relationship.

We are each an individual being. In a healthy relationship, you maintain that individualism while still depending on your partner for love and support. You have your own friends, your own interest, your own hobbies. You spend time without your partner. There is no anxiety about the future of the relationship. You are busy being your own beautiful, unique self and have no time for anxiety and worry. You are busy fulfilling your purpose in this life. We each have our own purpose.

The Ideal Relationship involves both Dependence and Independence.

My internal struggle between dependence and independence is often fear-based. I spent 18 years in a codependent relationship where I felt I couldn’t live without the other person. We were attached at the hip. We had the same friends. We always did the same things together. Where you saw one, you saw the other. In reflecting back on that relationship, I was the more codependent one. Feeling anxiety when we were apart. Feeling sad when we were apart. Instead of living my own independent, beautiful life, I was consumed with his life and our life together. The fear of going through that again is my internal struggle.

Final Words

Love and support your partner. Allow them to be who they are. Allow them the independence they need. It is vital to a healthy, long-lasting relationship. At the same time, find your purpose. Do what you enjoy. Spend time with your friends. Find a hobby you enjoy. Live your individual life while at the same time knowing that you have a loving, supportive relationship with your partner. Never be in a situation where someone else dictates your life and schedule. Maintain your individualism.

Remember, a good balance of dependence and independence is essential for happiness and longevity together. Allow and love.

Much love,

Vince

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Vince is a Critical Care Registered Nurse, Published Writer, and Columnist living and loving in Atlanta, Georgia. You can also follow him on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter. Your support and feedback are deeply appreciated.