Definitions

I wish my definition of love was the same as yours.

When I was little, I always wanted the stereotypical love; roses, chocolate, teddy bears. I thought that was true love watching it play on movies. Showering someone with gifts to show your dedication.

As I grew up, I learned that was unrealistic. Love isn’t materialistic. You cannot buy love.

However, my first serious relationship showed me that love could be coming over to talk after you both had a long day. Love is going to family events together that neither of you wanted to go to in the first place.

It is all about the right sacrifices in the right places. Ignorant, I thought I knew what love was during my teenage years.

But now that we are becoming serious, dare I say falling in love, I realized that our ways of showing love are complete opposites.

I crave physical affection. Hand holding, hugs, quick kisses. Maybe it makes me feel more secure in the relationship that I am in. Love is almost physical to me. So when you push my hand away when I reach for it as we walk down the street. My heart breaks.

But that is not the only way I see love. I also was shown that love could be helping me wash my hair in the shower because a depressive episode had consumed me. It was bringing me my favorite food when I didn’t even have to mention I was craving it.

As much as I crave the physical affection, I want the spiritual connection that is overwhelming. Love is someone knowing me better than I know myself and meeting all my expectations.

So what exactly is your definition?

You don’t seek the physical aspects. No public display of affection. Ever. I have to coax a kiss from your lips once a day. How could you leave in the morning without kissing me goodbye?

You don’t say your feelings very often. You ignore confrontation more than you ignore your late charges on your credit cards. Both never go away. They still linger until the charges are over your head.

But when you left early in the morning to go fix my car radio when I was sleeping or when you fixed my dresser that was broken. I never felt that type of love. A love where you show it in things you have done for me.

I appreciate it all. The house you invited me into, the family you’ve introduced me to, the birthday decorations in my favorite color, and the remembering all my little fun facts. You have changed my world in so many ways.

But when we lay in bed together, you push me away and my efforts to be in your arms. I feel disconnected. Detached. Decoupled.

As if you don’t know me at all. Just another stranger laying in your bed.

Regardless of how I feel every night, I still wake up every morning to your alarm you sleep through. Making sure you wake up in time for work. I’m exhausted, but I still do it for you.

And in the morning, you ask what I want for breakfast and get me anything I desired. After when you leave for work, I miss you constantly. But I am not on your mind. When you are gone, you don’t long to see me again soon. You have too many other things to do. Too many stressors on your mind.

When I leave, to go to the laundry or go buy groceries. You cannot stand that I went without you. Of course, I miss you when I leave, but I will never admit that. I want to see how you feel without me in your life.

Can you handle being alone? Do you only want me when it is convenient? Or do you crave my presence? Can you not imagine a world without me being in your passenger seat or left side of the bed?

You are still a mystery to me that I want to continue unraveling until I see your core. Picking at every neuron in your brain until I know the complex machinery that makes you, you.

Until I know what your definition is.

I cannot truly love you.