Dear You, All of You

Dear You,

all of you. An amalgamation of all of you who hurt me. You’re all interwoven anyway, friends of a friend. Some of you became friends. Some of you hurt each other as much as you hurt me. Some of you left me in the shadows, some of you succumbed to the shadows yourself. No matter what happened, we were what once was. Now we are no more. You’re all beginning to merge, the older I get. No, the wiser I get. Age isn’t anything if you aren’t learning and growing with the days ticking by. You all have taught me a lot and it felt like the right time to turn the perspective.

I wanted to thank you, all of you. Yes, you hurt me, yes, you made me angry. Yes, I need to let go of that pain. I’m actively learning how. I can’t punish you or go back in time and say all the things I should have said. I can live my life though and leave you as a mere afterthought. Accept the little reminders of you as notes of my growth and who I am today. I often have found myself fixating on situations, arguments. How I could have handled it differently or changed my perspective sooner. I didn’t though, and I have to live and accept that. No matter how much I think about something that has happened, I can’t change it. I can only control how I handle what’s thrown at me in the moment. I, me, not you. I can’t give you such a spacious residence in my mind when you don’t even existence in my life anymore. I can give that space to new lessons, favored memories and treasured relationships. Why am I giving so much grace to the ghosts of what could have happened? It’s not how it actually happened, and I can’t change that with the same thoughts dominating mg mind.

Thank you for teaching me to take care of myself first and foremost. You took and took until I had limited resources and then demanded more. I finally learned that I cannot pour from an empty cup. I cannot allow myself to die of thirst when hydrating and caring for others. I do not have to shrink myself down to be something more portable or easy to swallow for anyone. I am allowed to take up space and exist exactly as I am. You helped me realize that anyone I have to wear masks around is not a true friend. A true friend would want me to be my most authentic self first and foremost, not a carbon copy of themselves.

Thank you for helping my to see just how much I needed to treasure the people in my life who do love me exactly how I need to be loved. Honest, real love, not based on assumptions or expectations. I see how much they love me for me and I only want to reciprocate that love. I treasure their patience, their honesty and just how free I feel around them. I don’t feel weighed down by shame, or suffocated under heavy masks. I am free, floating on a high of beloved companionship I so desperately needed.

So again I say Thank you to those who hurt me, the ones who couldn’t stomach who I really was. You helped me to see how worthy of love I actually am. I only hope you see who you could actually be, if you weren’t buried in negativity. It was the shadows of your darkness that helped me find my place in the light.