Dear Self

Dear Self,

You are a beautiful, honest woman whom I am proud of. You are a good Mother as always trying to think of things that are best for your children, but still give yourself plenty of time to yourself. You are compassionate and loving when I need it. You are strong and I love the effort you put out. You are funny and I like hanging out with you.

I want to be honest with myself. I don’t know how to not love her, not want her. Its real, it fucking real. And it consumes my life. She makes me happy. I want to be the world for her. I want to be a good mom, but I sometimes I just suck at it. I don’t want to hang out with the kids as much as I should. I did so much when they were small, well more so the older 2. But I guess they don’t really want to hang out with me. Am I parenting wrong? Maybe if I was married it would be better? Maybe if I never had ME time. And the only ME time I want is with her. Am I horrible for that? The problem is I don’t think I am as it makes me happy. She makes me happy. Sometimes I feel so much pain because of her because of nothing that we can control, really. I am in love with her and want so much more. I am supposed to be honest here: I want her. I want to marry her. I love her with all my heart. I am just so in love with her. I have been for a year and a half now. She is the one. Why would my heart do this to me? She doesn’t even believe it. But fuck it is so real. So real. And I am cool if I am not with her or we aren’t married for a year or two or even 5. Just as long as I know there is hope that it is us. It should be us. We are good together. But it wont be us. It will never be us. I want her so bad. So bad it hurts. My heart just aches for her. God help me. I love myself and she thinks I don’t but it is possible to love yourself and love another just the same. Otherwise we couldn’t love our kids if we loved ourselves. I honestly believe that she will find someone and she wont want me anymore, not even as friends, not only because I cant handle it but because I am only here to replace that. We kiss, I love kissing her and I am not taking that away until she does and the issue is she will. Why would she kiss me when she has someone else to kiss. Why would she want me at all. The problem is too I am so fucking whipped. I am at her beck and call. And that, I shouldn’t do, but the problem is I want her 24/7 so I take her when she wants ME so I can have her. I do want her all the time. Yes, she needs other friends too otherwise she would get sick of me. But with other friends either she will see my worth or she will see I am SO not worth it. Other friends will be better friends and I will get left in the dark. And that has never bothered me every before except with her, because she means so fucking much to me. How do I fix this? I don’t want to overthink anymore. I don’t want to make her a bad person in my mind in that she will just leave me. She wont. She wont have as much time for me, but she wont leave me. I try to occupy myself talking to others and hopefully meeting them and hanging out with them. But since the day I met her whoever I am with, where ever I am, I wish she was there and that I was with her. I am insane. Like do I need a therapist? Should I try drugs? Because I am scared. I am just scared I guess. I don’t know what other feeling to call it. I don’t. I hate how I can’t just be with her all the time.

I am excited for school. Maybe I will meet new people. God hopefully someone intrigues me as much as her. I want to fall in love……with someone else. But, fuck, this woman can torture me, do whatever to me and I still love her. I still love her. Havent even had sex for over a year now and I don’t want to with anyone else. When I am horny or upset or alone I feel I need to, I should, but I am in love with someone who cant love me back and I don’t want to sleep with anyone else but her. Sometimes I think be best if she does just start dating and fucking people cause then maybe eventually I will. Although I would probably do it out of revenge. What revenge??? We are only friends – like how can I even say that!!! I want to be happy but in the end I want her happiness to be with me. Even now, she claims its not, but her relationship with Rodney is like a couple. And I am curious if Rodney ever proclaimed love for her if she would accept. She loves him and in everyway they could be together – they just have not tried intimacy. But honestly it don’t matter if its Rodney, or a guy I don’t even know – or hell a woman I don’t even know – it will kill me. But it isn’t supposed to. She is my FRIEND. She is YOUR FRIEND. Please stop. Please, please, please stop.