Dear Me,

Be honest, at some point or another everyone has written or has thought about writing a letter to their future selves. What if, instead of writing to your future self, you wrote to your past self? What would you say? While you think about that, you can enjoy mine.

Dear Kayla,

Hey, what's up? Actually, don't answer that, I already know. The moment you are in right now is not the future. The feelings and conflicts that you are so desperately trying to fight through are only temporary, your going to make it out. I promise.

At the moment you have a good total of two friends, and only one is going to make it with you into your teen years. I know you feel lonely, I know you feel as though you don't do anything right and unfortunately I can't tell you that I don't feel the same way now. I can't tell you that I feel any better but I can tell you that realistically, it gets better. You have so many more friends now, and you even gained a new brother from a boy you never thought you would get to be friends with.

Your closet friend didn't make it there thought. She's still alive don't worry. Right now in your life she is your life. You almost idolize her and the moment you relies she doesn't want you as a friend is going to be a very heartbreaking moment for you. In fact it still hurts and she never directly told you, which may have been the most heartbreaking part of it all. You are going to have to watch your best friend, a girl that at this time in your life you thought of as more of a sister then your actual sister, slowly distance herself from you. Looking back on it now, I relies that we were never as important in her life as she was in ours. Now prepare yourself. People are going to try and help you feel better in many different ways. They will tell you that she was only your friend because you were the only one around or that people just grow up and move on sometimes. I don't know what part of their minds was telling them that this would make you feel better, but it doesn't. In fact it makes you feel much worse. This moment in your life is the start to a long period of depression, anxiety, and over all loneliness.

The next thing I wanted to warn you about is that medication you are on. It's a trap. People are going to make you feel like it's your fault. They are going to make you feel as thought it's your fault you have such horribly anxiety. They are going to make fun of you for being such a baby and crying all the time. Your going to pretend you don't notice and for a while you are going to live trapped in a person that's not you. It's gonna take a major role in the way you act when your me. That medication is completely changing who you are. It's making you anxious and fidgety. When your my age you will have completely changed from a calm girl to the crazy always bouncing girl that can't sit still to save your life. Turns out you don't need the medicine anyway. Oh, and before you get off the medicine eat as much junk food and corn related foods as you can because soon that will all be taken away from you and you will be forced to eat the grossest and healthiest stuff ever. When you become me your going to go a long time without eating, simply because there is nothing that you can eat. Your also going to go through a lot of pain because nobody is going to tell me that I can't eat my favorite food, not even my body.

Lastly, I have a bone to pick with you. Remember earlier when I mentioned that once you got to my age you would have some mental issues. Yes? Well I blame that on you. You don't do anything to fix it. You just sit and let it happen. You don't speak your mind, you don't look for people that can make you happy, you don't tell people how you really feel and because of that, I'm stuck dealing with it. Thanks a lot.

Right now your Kayla. You are a smiley girl with a best friend that you didn't imagine would ever leave. You are chill and don't require much attention. You are wise but also incredibly stupid and you let other dictate your emotions. Your scared of everything and cry a lot even though you are screaming at yourself to stop inside your head. Like I said, your wise, you just can't control the other half of your brain. Soon, you will turn into McKayla. People still call us Kayla, yes, but you no longer ask them to. In your head, you have changed. You know longer view yourself as Kayla. That is who you are now, you change. For the better and for the worst. If asked why you like McKayla better, you will say it's because Kelsey claimed the name sounded Hawaiian on everyone but you and that made you look at it in a new light, but that's not the whole truth.

Don't let people decide who you are. I still do this, and I'll admit its bad, but I relies that I need to change, I just don't want to. If I can ask one thing of you it's that you'll want to, please want to. Change the history that I already set. Don't let the world get the best of you. We are going to make, and we're going to make it on the winning team. Good luck.

- McKayla, Faye Autumn Creed. ( you'll know what that means someday )

P.S. You have what it takes, don't give up on your dreams too early.

I hope this letter to my past self has inspired you to your own letter to your future self. I have to admit, writing this felt a little better then I thought it would and I definitely recommend doing this if their is something that you want to let go of. Tell your past self, it might help you admit that thing to yourself and help you to the path of recovery. Sometimes, writing down what you already know and seeing it as words in front of you helps you to not just know, but understand. Life is hard, scratch that, life is really hard. Don't give up, it gets better. Good luck.