Dear Kylie Jenner, I simply do not care.

I. The Infatuation/ The Following

I have never been the best at understanding and participating in social media. I can remember exactly what it was like when Instagram first started getting popular. I was in middle school, and everyone was just obsessed. Posting pictures daily, throwback Thursdays, women crush Wednesdays, man crush Mondays, the list of obnoxious hashtags goes on and on. Anyone who was popular had an Instagram and AT LEAST 50-100 followers. It was nauseating. Seeing my fellow middle schoolers running around all day posing for pictures with the incessant begging, "Don't forget to tag me!" The constant gossip of who posted this, and oh my god did you see what he commented? And don't even get me started on all the couples that had each other's names in their bios. Most of the girls in my grade would list off their top best friends at the moment in their bios as well. I truly hated it all. Because I didn't quite fit in. I never felt as though I did. I wasn't pretty enough to take pictures of myself to post, I didn't have enough friends to take pictures with and tag them to start a bigger following, no boys liked me so I could put their name in my bio, and I definitely didn't have enough followers to matter. It hurt. I remember it genuinely hurt to know I wasn't succeeding at social media like everyone else was. I was embarrassed and ashamed. It was like I was being magnified as the outcast. I tried to beat everyone else to the punch. I deleted my Instagram on several different occasions, accepting defeat, and when people in my grade would look at me in confusion asking why, I would say something nonchalant like, "Oh, I just don't really like it, it's pretty dumb if you think about it." Sometimes, for a few seconds, after I laid that claim, they would look at me and say, "Yeah you're right it is pretty pointless." It was a sweet few seconds of validation each time, but then they would go back to scrolling, liking, and commenting on those pointless posts. As I got older, and as I felt prettier and more liked, I gave into Instagram again, so as to try and fit in again. I had more friends that would post about me, I had better pictures of myself that people liked, and it felt like I was somewhat successful at fitting in with my friends on the platform. At one point, I even made my account public instead of private, so that I could maybe one day beat my goal of 1,000 followers. I was following so many strangers that I had never met in real life, but I had heard of them, or I thought they were cool. I started following so many celebrities because that's what everyone does. Everyone follows their favorite celebrities, well because they are famous, duh. And obviously, I want to know how gorgeous they look today, and what clothes they're wearing, and what I should make myself look like, so I can be like them, obviously. Suddenly, I no longer recognized the people on my feed. I slowly stopped posting at all, but I was checking my feed more frequently than ever. When I did post pictures, It was an event. First, I had to get the perfect face of makeup, the perfect hair, the perfect outfit, the perfect pose, and the perfect picture. That alone took up the entire day. Secondly, I had to find the right layout. Should I do just one picture? Should I do multiple? Should I orient them sideways so it's more trendy? Should I use a filter? What the hell is my caption going to be? Finally, I would stare at my phone, the photos themselves, for hours. Slowly gathering the courage to post the pictures, and then chickening out again. If I did end up posting something, I would immediately throw my phone across the room and occupy myself with something for at least ten minutes, so as to not obsess over how many likes, or lack thereof, I was getting. There was always a 50/50 chance of me looking at the pictures again, feeling incredibly ugly, and deleting the post entirely. It was an exhausting process, one that I couldn't keep up with. Hence my stopping of posting.

II. Dark Mode

In the most recent years that I have been on Instagram, it served as my most significant source of self-loathing. On my darkest days, I would open the app, scroll for maybe 5 minutes, and feel even worse about myself. I had an incredibly dark year of isolation, depression, and deep self-hatred. All I saw on my timeline were beautiful people creating core memories with their wonderful friends and loved ones. They always looked happy. None of them looked like they had spent the last 14 hours laying in bed, crying, and wishing for the life of someone else. None of them looked like their only companion was their cat, and even their cat got tired of their constant moping. None of them looked like they were struggling like I was. And the celebrities. The fucking celebrities. The insanely famous people that I thought I once looked up to were now taunting me. With their incredible mansions and cars. With their perfect clothes. With their perfect faces. With their perfect bodies. Oh, how Kylie Jenner wreaked fucking havoc on my mental health. How would I ever get a waist as small as hers? Or breasts as big as hers? Or an ass as perfect as hers? I think the only thing that saved me from myself during that disturbingly dark time was my shift from insecurity to anger. I started to think deeply about these disgustingly rich strangers I was following. I have a friend that also "loved" Kylie Jenner, and I always saw her username on her posts to say that she liked the picture too. One time I asked her what she really liked about Kylie Jenner, "Oh, I just love her" is all I got for her reasoning. I thought about it for a while. What does Kylie Jenner do for me? What does this celebrity, who will NEVER know of my existence, do for me? Does she contribute something to society that affects me deeply? Does she inspire me philosophically? Or even philanthropically? Does she challenge me to expand my mind? No. She does none of those things. None of these celebrities that I am supposed to care about have ever done anything to genuinely impact me in the way someone of that status is supposed to impact and inspire. So why do I care about them? Right then and there I realized the absence of relevance of these strangers in my life, and I knew I couldn't waste another second caring about them. Including the people that I DID know in real life. They are not in my circle, so why should I care how they are living their life so much better than mine? I shouldn't.

III. Ignorance is Bliss

I deleted my Instagram, my Twitter, and my Snapchat. I have to admit that at first, it was very strange. When I picked up my phone, I didn't have anywhere to mindlessly scroll. I had to pick up other hobbies, so I wouldn't go back to the toxic platforms I had just abandoned. I started to do so many things that I loved but had forgotten about. Things started to look up. After about a week, I had almost completely forgotten about the apps I used to scroll for hours on end. It felt really good. I realized that when I don't have strangers to compare myself to, I don't often hate what I see in the mirror. I realized that I'm fine with myself. I'm fine with the person I see in the mirror. It was the comparisons that were crushing me, not how I feel about myself individually. I stopped feeling the need to doll myself up all the time. I was rarely wearing makeup. I was able to start appreciating myself more and more. I was able to start believing my boyfriend when he told me I was beautiful. It felt as though a weight had been lifted off of me. Without the constant reminder of these strangers and their lives that I cared nothing about, I stopped thinking about people that shouldn't affect me. And like magic, they did stop affecting me. About two months after I had initially deleted everything, my roommate asked me one day, "Oh my god, did you see that Rihanna is pregnant?" I simply said no, because I didn't in fact know that. I was completely out of the loop of lives that didn't matter to me, and it was an amazing feeling. I didn't feel left out, but instead that I hadn't wasted my energy or headspace with that useless information. Now, I never think about these things that used to drive me fucking insane. I don't think about the celebrities mocking me with their perfect lives. I don't think about old friends getting together without me. I don't think about whether people I know wonder how I am doing. I simply do not care. I have never felt healthier, and I don't imagine that I will ever go back. If you're having issues similar to those I was having, I encourage you completely to stop caring and to leave all those strangers behind. You will see a significant change in your livelihood. So, lastly, Kylie Jenner, I wish you a wonderful life, but I don't care about you as I know you don't care about me, and I don't miss you. god, did you see that Rihanna is pregnant?" I simply said no, because I didn't in fact know that. I was completely out of the loop of lives that didn't matter to me, and it was an amazing feeling. I didn't feel left out, but instead that I hadn't wasted my energy or headspace with that useless information. Now, I never think about these things that used to drive me fucking insane. I don't think about the celebrities mocking me with their perfect lives. I don't think about old friends getting together without me. I don't think about whether people I know wonder how I am doing. I simply do not care. I have never felt healthier, and I don't imagine that I will ever go back. If you're having issues similar to those I was having, I encourage you completely to stop caring and to leave all those strangers behind. You will see a significant change in your lively hood. So, lastly, Kylie Jenner, I wish you a wonderful life, but I don't care about you as I know you don't care about me, and I don't miss you.