Dear Gianna

Q: "I've been married for two years. Before getting married, I graduated and started working. I am very enthusiastic about my career and love what I do. Three months ago, I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I decided that I will stop working for the first three years and stay home with the baby. I'm so happy, I can't wait. When the child goes to kindergarten, I can return to work quite easily, given my profession, if I want to, since my husband has a salary that can support us without too many sacrifices. I will be able to watch my son grow up and pursue my hobbies. However, I have been getting so much criticism. Both family and friends tell me that I am an embarrassment to feminism; a real woman shouldn't stay at home and be supported but be independent and contribute to the family financially. I don't know what's right anymore."

A: The "real woman" story again. I've never heard a definition that irks me more than this. But unfortunately, in my opinion, part of contemporary feminism is just a contradiction of itself. And I'm referring to those feminists who have arbitrarily decided that there are pre-established criteria that a woman must follow to define herself as such.

I want to start with a super brief history of feminism to understand where we are now.

The official beginning of the history of feminism is placed in the nineteenth century, with the suffragettes who fought for the right to vote for women. The heart of the movement was in Great Britain, and the claims were almost exclusively of a political nature: the suffragettes wanted to have the same voice as men in political discourse and the same rights as their husbands in the field of family law.

The movement experienced a second wave in the 1960s in the United States, addressing issues of a different nature: sexuality, rape, domestic violence, and contraceptive rights.

The third wave took place in the 1990s and was defined as "post-feminism": on paper (at least in Western countries), women have the same rights as men. But if the law has changed, the mentality not as much: women are still victims of prejudice and discrimination.

This is the current situation. We can work, vote, and be president of the United States of America, but if we wear miniskirts and are harassed, somehow it is our fault.

We still hear of employers who don't want to hire us because they would have to pay us for maternity leave. Or part-time positions where only women are hired because a man cannot afford to support a family on a part-time salary. And of course the salary gap.

And I am convinced that this and much more prove the need to continue discussing feminism. We still have a long way to go, and we have a moral obligation to not let the effort of our ancestors be in vain.

However, there is a certain tendency within the feminist discourse that I can't stand: the tendency of those, like your family and friends, who, in the name of feminism, proclaim themselves judges of what "a real woman" should do.

A real woman must do what makes her happy and feel accomplished, capable of achieving the goals she wants to achieve in life, and fully express her abilities and attitudes without constraints from men or women who think they are more emancipated than her.

In my opinion, the true purpose of feminism is to create a society where women don't have to conform to any standard. A community in which we are all real women, each with their own strengths and weaknesses, but free to not please anyone, free especially from the threat of losing the title of "real woman".

If staying at home and watching your child grow up is your wish if your husband didn't impose it on you, if you don't do it because you think that a "real mother" should sacrifice her career, if you are following your heart, your desires, you are being "a real woman".

First of all, you're not thinking of doing "nothing". You will look after your child, saving you and your husband money on babysitting and daycare. So you are contributing financially to running the household. Second, by being more at home, you can relieve your husband of his share of housework; perhaps you can cook or clean a few more times than he does. By doing these things, you would not be a mouth to feed but a person who actively participates in family life.

I think we misunderstood in what ways we should advocate for freedom: women are tired of being constrained into arbitrary, " womanly categories." Women don't want to be associated only with motherhood, nurturing, or being a "madonna" who devotes her existence to her family. And I am one of those women. My life purpose could not be raising children and supporting my husband quietly. I have other dreams and goals. But not wanting to be forced into a role doesn't mean that that role must be evil for everyone. Having to conform to being a housewife or making family life my primary purpose is evil for me. Because it's not in my nature or what I want. In the same way, though, for a woman that freely chooses that life for herself, being told that she shouldn't is a constraint on her freedom.

I suggest that you ask yourself and your husband this question: if the situation were the other way around, if he were the one who had the opportunity to stay at home and look after the baby while you went to work, would you both accept it? Would you both think it's normal for him to stay at home washing and ironing while you pursue your career? Would he do it? Or would he feel "emasculated"? Would he accept if you supported him financially? What if you were the breadwinner? Would you see him as "less of a man", or would you be happy that he can enjoy this opportunity?

If, for you or him, the possibility of him staying at home and being a "househusband" is unthinkable, ridiculous, out of the question, then yes, you are a little bit of an embarrassment to feminism.

If you and your husband consider each other equal and free to choose who goes to work and who stays at home to contribute differently, the "embarrassment" of feminism is those people who morally blackmail you by threatening to take away your "title".

I recommend reading "We Should All Be Feminists" by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. You can order it here

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