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Dear Gianna

Relationships Q&A

By GiannaPublished about a year ago 4 min read
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Dear Gianna
Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

Q: "I am very unlucky in love. I only meet men who seem very interested in me, but after two or three dates, they find an excuse to stop seeing me. One man told me that I am too easily offended and can't take a joke. Someone else told me I am a lovely and smart girl, but I didn't show any interest in him. Another one told me that I always make mean comments and am judgmental. I am none of these things. I have a good heart and genuinely want to find someone to love. I only keep some distance because I don't want to get hurt again. I won't put up with lies and deception. Sometimes I am a bit sarcastic as I don't want them to think they can fool me because I am too keen. But I am a good person, and they can't see it."

A: I hear you. You sound like a good person to me, someone who has so much love to give but is terrified to be vulnerable. After all, if you show vulnerability, they will be able to hurt you. And you've been hurt too many times.

I have bad news for you, though: posturing will never allow you to form a real connection. So you will not be able to meet prince charming unless you risk getting hurt.

What is posturing? It is what you are doing. The Psychology Glossary on www.alleydo.com defines "posturing" as "to behave in a manner that is intended to impress or mislead others. […] when one person is trying to act as though they are stronger or smarter than they really are in order to gain respect from others."

Through social media, rom coms, romantic novels, and society in general, you have learned some arbitrary myths that are now considered undeniable truths: "Be mean, keep them keen", "men always want who they can't have", "men love the thrill of the chase" and so on.

Think about it: we are surrounded by movies and books that tell the same story: a handsome man, wanted and desired by every woman in town, is not interested in any of them. Until he comes across the only girl who rejects him, and "boom": he's in love and will go above and beyond to win her heart.

Meanwhile, she proceeds to tell him how much she despises him and that she'll never waste a minute on him. Instead, she will date other men and laugh in his face when he asks her out. Only to finally fall in love with him after he's been basically stalking her for the whole duration of the movie.

Romantic? Yes, it can be if we only watch it on screen. In real life? Not so much. It ingrains in our brains the belief that women want to be chased and men will only fall for the one woman who is the meanest of all.

First of all, I do not want to be chased. If I say "no", I mean "no". In no way do I mean, "I'm saying no, but please keep bothering me because this is all an act".

Being courted and being stalked are two very different concepts. Is it nice to be given flowers, made feel important, been given attention? Sure it is. This is courting. Is it nice to be bugged when I clearly say I am not interested? No. Not at all.

And any genuine man you meet out there will know that. They will know that if a woman does not show interest, the best thing they can do is leave her alone. And I respect those men.

Not only that. Men are not some sort of alien entity with a completely different emotional system. Men want to be loved and appreciated as we do. Would you go on a second date with a guy who acts aloof, unapproachable and "too cool for school"? I don't think so. You want someone who can create a connection with you. And so does the guy sitting in front of you.

Does this mean you have to become a doormat and meet their every need by accepting everything they ask of you? Not at all. You must implement your boundaries and ensure your needs are met and respected. But you can do this with kindness and an open heart.

A man who is genuinely interested in you will not put up with your games. I know that your behaviours only come from your insecurities. I never thought that you weren't a good person. But if you want to create a bond with a genuine person, you must let go of these wounds and start trusting. Protect yourself, by all means. Do not put up with games and manipulation. But at the same time, when someone seems genuine, give them a chance to get to know the real you: that person that wants to love and be loved. A player will not be able to put up their act for too long; you will know that they are not for you before you've invested too much emotionally. At the same time, if you're not willing to invest at all, you'll never win.

In everything you do, there's a risk to be taken. Unfortunately, getting hurt is the risk you have to take to be loved. I leave you with a quote by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry that embodies the very meaning of what I am trying to convey: "Of course I'll hurt you. Of course, you'll hurt me. Of course, we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence means accepting the risk of absence."

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About the Creator

Gianna

I cover various topics related to human relationships, such as communication, conflict resolution, empathy, and diversity to explore the complexities and nuances of human interactions.

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@gvphilosophicalhearts

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