Dear Diary, Can You Ever Forgive Me?

Dear Diary,

Today was yet another mundane, unfulfilling day. All I managed to accomplish was attending my online classes and showering. I couldn’t even find the motivation to do any of my school work. How is it my dream to be a writer when I can’t even tolerate the sight of a computer screen right now? In other news, I ordered a salad from CAVA today. Sean wanted lunch too so, like the loving sister that I am, I got him a salad as well. Now he owes me $7 for his lunch. You didn’t think I’d let him get away with not paying me back, did you? I gotta go, diary. I really have to get some work done now.

Your truly,

Imani

As I finished up writing my last sentence, a knock on my door interrupted my train of thought.

“Come in,” I said, not bothering to look up from my diary. My brother, Sean, peeked his head into my room.

“Can I borrow your fitbit?” Sean asked.

“I guess,” I replied, “You still owe me money from earlier, by the way.”

“I sent it to you already. Cash App,” he explained, “What are you writing?”

“Diary entry,” I answered.

“In a plain black notebook that looks like Dad’s old address book from the 90’s?” he asked.

“Yes, now why are you still here?” I asked.

“Aren’t you a bit old to be writing diary entries?”

“Get out, Sean.”

As soon as Sean left, I opened my Cash App. I needed to cash in my money before I’d forgotten, as I had a habit of leaving money sitting in the app for months. When I went to cash in my money, a mysterious amount of money was lying in my Cash App account, an amount that equaled exactly $20,007. Of course I knew where the $7 had come from, but I couldn’t fathom someone sending me $20,000 and for what? I hadn’t done anything worth that much money. I wasn’t curing cancer or building houses in third world countries.

Unable to concentrate on my school work, my mind began to race. Who would give me so much money and most importantly, why? Did this person make a mistake? Did someone find out that I’m struggling to pay for grad school and they were feeling generous? That wouldn’t make sense, I thought, The only person I’ve ever told about my financial “pickle” is Sean and I know for a fact he doesn’t have $20K sitting in his bank account waiting to be spent. I decided to call Sean.

“Hey, I know you’re running right now, but can you cut it short? I have something important I want to talk to you about,” I requested.

Out of breath, he replied, “Can’t this wait? I’m on a roll.”

“I just said it was important! You know what, forget it. See you later,” I said.

With no one else to help me figure out where this money came from, I decided to leave my apartment and go for a walk. Maybe a walk will clear my head, I thought. The streets of DC were filled with people from all walks of life. Crisp air, street lights, honking cars, and Japanese cherry blossoms brought back a flood of memories from childhood up until present day. I missed spontaneously wandering the city. Grad school and a full time job didn’t exactly afford me the opportunity to have free time or much of a social life. What I missed the most was the serenity. It’s hard to believe that I used to hate the city due to its overcrowdedness and air pollution, but as an adult I can appreciate it for what it is. Seeing the cherry blossoms bloom over the water near the Jefferson memorial is one of the most serene sights I’ve ever seen. It almost makes me forget about the $20,000. Almost.

I had one pit stop to make before heading home. I remembered that there was one other person I vented to about my financial struggles, and this person was my number one suspect. My brain was operating on autopilot, but my feet knew exactly where to go. I can’t believe I’m doing this, I thought. I maneuvered my way to the apartment building. After several deep breaths, and wishing that I had a shot of tequila, I hesitantly knocked on the door. As I saw the knob turn, my heart rate instantly spiked.

“Imani,” the man said.

“Hi Trevor,” I replied. Trevor was my ex-boyfriend. My wealthy, entitled, manipulative ex-boyfriend.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I need to ask you about something. Is this a good time?” I asked.

“Sure,” he gestures me to enter his apartment. Absolutely nothing about his apartment has changed. It’s as if we were frozen in time, which sent chills down my spine. The glass coffee table remained the same distance from his couches. I remembered us measuring that distance together. I remembered organizing his pictures on the wall and him telling me where the frames should be tilted. Even the dining table remained the same.

“Imani,” he called, interrupting my thoughts.

“Huh,” I said.

“What were you going to ask?” he asked.

“Ok this may be a bit awkward,” I started.

“You embody awkwardness,” he said. I scowled.

“As I was saying, this may be a bit awkward but someone sent me $20,000 via Cash App. Any idea who that might be?” I asked.

“Why are you assuming it’s me?” he asked.

“I never said it was you. I asked if you knew who it was. Although, you did seem like you knew something, which leads me to believe that it was you,” I concluded. He smirked.

“Why? Why did you send that money?” I asked.

“Because you needed it,” he answered.

“How did you figure?” I asked.

“Because I know you,” he said.

“Bullshit! You don’t know me at all. Not when we were together or now!” I spat.

“Weren’t you the one who was always bitching and moaning about being broke? Now that you’ve come across money, you can’t even thank me?” he asked.

“Thank you? As if I’m gonna take money from you! Nothing is unconditional with you, and I learned that the hard way,” I replied.

“Then how the hell are you gonna pay for school?” he asked.

“None of your business,” I answered, “Why would you even want to help me anyway?”

“I guess this was my way of trying to do right by you, for once,” he answered.

“Why now? Why after all this time we’ve been broken up?” I asked.

“Because I knew the end of your semester was coming up and you needed to pay for it somehow,” he replied.

“So, what do you care?” I asked.

“I guess it was my weird, roundabout way of letting you know that I missed you,” he answered. I stared him down. After a long pause, I finally answered.

“I’m out of here,”

“Wait!” I turned around, “I’m sorry. Not just about this whole money thing, but about everything else. I’m sorry about the way things ended between us. I never meant to hurt you.” As soon as he apologized, I couldn’t help but cry. He had no idea what he put me through, and seeing him for the first time in months made me realize that I hadn’t forgiven him, but I still had feelings for him.

“I appreciate you saying that. I should head home now,” I responded.

“Before you go,” I turned around again, “Do you still write?”

“Everyday, in that black notebook you gave me. Thank you for the notebook,” I said.

“Your welcome. I miss reading your writing,” he said.

“I miss having someone read my writing. I would have Sean read it but let’s just say he’s quite disinterested,” I said. We both chuckled.

“How is he anyway?” he asked.

“Same old, same old,” I answered.

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” he said. We both laughed. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Sure,” I answered. He poured me a glass of wine. We made our way to the couch and chatted up a storm. The hours felt like minutes, and before I knew it, the sun was going down.

“It’s getting late, I should go home,” I said.

“Okay, I’ll walk you out,” he replied.

“Thanks for the wine,” I said.

“No problem, see you around,” he said.

“Thanks again,” I said.

“Why again?” he asked.

“You said earlier that I didn’t thank you for the money so I’m thanking you now,” my voice shook. I couldn’t believe that I was getting emotional in front of Trevor twice in one day. The financial burden had taken its toll on me, but I didn’t expect my breakdown to happen here. I was more so expecting it to happen in the privacy of my own bedroom.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I shook my head.

“No, you’re not,” he said. He pulled me into an embrace as I sobbed. I almost forgot what his body heat felt like. After what felt like hours, I slightly pulled away from him, only to press my lips against his. He pulled away, stunned.

“Oh, god. I’m sorry. Let me just go,” I said. As soon as I turned around, pulled me in for another kiss. And another kiss. And another kiss. The echo of our kisses filled the silence in the room, which caused me to start blushing. Trevor gently caressed my face as he slowly moved down to my neck. I couldn’t help but let out a tiny moan. I couldn’t handle the heat of his lips on my skin. His hands moved further down my spine, grabbing my butt in his clasp. I let out another moan.

“Is it okay?” he whispered.

“Yeah,” I whispered back. With no struggle whatsoever, he picked me up from the ground slowly making his way to his bedroom, just like how he used to do.

Once we were done, Trevor decided to take a shower. Although we’d gotten along all day, something about him seemed off, like he had some sort of ulterior motive. Why would he even agree to allow me into his apartment and entertain me for hours after our nasty breakup? I was the one who dumped him. I suddenly felt the urge to check his phone considering he left it on his bedside table. Apparently, he never changed his password. As I went through his text messages, I stumbled upon an interesting conversation with a friend.

You seriously gave her $20k?

Yeah. Imani will be crawling back to me in no time.

That’s fucked up, but genius!

Maybe, but at least I’ll get another booty call if nothing else.

Tears welled up in my eyes faster than cutting an onion. I knew it! I knew he was just using me. As soon as I finished reading, I quickly put my clothes on and walked out of the door with no heads up or explanation. I just left. As soon as I arrived back at my place, I wanted nothing more than to go to my room and sob into my pillow like a child, but I decided to write another diary entry instead.

Dear Diary,

Trevor gave me $20,000 to pay for school. I should’ve listened to my gut and given his money back immediately. I fucked up. I fell for Trevor’s shenanigans again by sleeping with him. How could I be so stupid? I’m literally in tears right now thinking about it. My heart hasn’t stopped racing since I left, and not in a good way. And the worst part is that I cashed the money before I left! I feel so icky. I’m so sorry, Diary. I know I’ve hashed out every detail about him to you. I know you expected more from me. I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

Yours truly,

Imani