Dear Cheater, This Is How You've Changed Me

by Kay Mclean about a year ago in breakups

How Cheating Affects a Person in Ways Only a Person Who Has Been Cheated on Understands

Dear Cheater, This Is How You've Changed Me

Everyone knows that being cheated on hurts, but the intensity of the pain is unbeknownst to the cheaters even if they’ve experienced being cheated on. The ugly truth is I was once a cheater but; since meeting my then boyfriend now husband, I have been reformed. There was a point in my life I had about three guys at once, two of them being my boyfriends and one being a new fling. The most awkward and stressful part was the day they all showed up to meet me at once, but that’s another story. There was a great love in my life who I couldn’t refrain from while dating my ex, so I am quite privy to being a scandalous cheater. So while I was dating my ex I met someone who made me want to stop being a playa playa from the Himalayas. I ended up calling it quits with my ex after two attempts, and was forever a changed woman. “ I DON’T CHEAT NO’MO!”( insert I am delivert meme).

Three days into talking with my new found love, I just knew I loved him. Yes, you read that right three days, I knew he was special. Things were going good, ok not so good as I still had my ex in the mix, the first break up attempt was a FAIL. But, overall things with my new found boo were taking off, or so I thought. Logging on to facebook to see a status he posted saying he was with some other girl! I was in such a shock, and yes the hypocrisy was real, but in my defensive he knew about my ex and once I met him nobody else mattered. So after much blowing up his phone, my wingman aka my bestie, ready to f*ck up a f*ckboy for me, told his ass off. Turned out to be an ex-girlfriend who still had his password who made the status and he was a sleep, none the wiser. That moment shook me up, but it did falter my feelings. Time goes by and our relationship is blooming, I finally was able to end things officially with my ex and could be happily dedicated to this handsome piece of chocolate right before my blessed eyes. It wouldn’t be long before the dangers started to creep in.

One day I had stumbled upon a message sent by his best friend at the time. It was a female and I was totally ok with them talking because he had reassured me it was strictly platonic. (Her: I wish we could cuddle like we used to), I couldn’t see his sent messages but by reading her follow up text messages I could speculate as she explained why they couldn’t. The reason being me as his current girlfriend; well you can bet your bottom dollar I questioned his ass. The end result being I am overreacting, she doesn’t live in the state, there’s absolutely nothing going on between them. And at that moment was when my paranoia began. I no longer trusted their friendship and a twinge of hate became attached to her name. She was on my list, my list of sketchy ass bitches who will try and steal my man. Over time there became more and more women added to that list, and more and more I became paranoid. His lies weren’t adding up, I would find more things that were inappropriate.

I would nab his phone when he would go to the bathroom or out of sight and just go all FBI. Heart racing and nearly coming out of my damn chest, palms so sweaty the phone surely should’ve slipped from my grasp, trembling so bad it was nearly impossible to see straight that id sometimes have to grab the phone with two hands to focus. I fell pregnant and for the record it wasn’t an attempt to trap him. I got an abortion because he was an avid cheater and the feeling that I was what he wanted started to diminish. We recovered, but the cheating was still going strong. I hated social media, I hated seeing him comment and like all these females posts and pictures. Shortly after I fell pregnant again and I was willing to abort the mission if he didn’t want all of this goodness, and couldn’t stop cheating. He pleaded he would and could and so I proceeded passed the last week I could get an abortion, and it wasn’t long after before the cheating crept back in. Heavily pregnant, facebook messaging and *67 calling all the hoes, I constantly retreated to visiting my mother in another state. I was constantly upset, constantly sad and crying, deeply regretting my choices. I was so out of my character, fighting with these girls. One girl had threatened to beat me up and cut me, with his blessing to fight me! It was a hurt I have never felt, how could this guy I love tell someone they can fight his girlfriend who is pregnant with his child. With each indiscretion the feeling I felt was literal heartbreak. I literally could feel my heart sink and break.

When our first child was born things only got worse. Up and til this point in time I had strictly believed his cheating was solely emotional, that there had been no physical cheating. That didn’t make it any better but at least there was a line being drawn. Wrong, through getting access to his sprint account( I was an A1 investigator) I was calling numbers blocked and if a female picked up I’d confront them. Well I got the right one baby, she had told me all the deets. She had been lied to by him and although I was so pissed I knew I honestly couldn’t be mad at her. Once again my heart broke, we three way called him and told him to confess his damn sole. From me calling her a bitch and having to apologize and backtrack, to him confessing she meant nothing, there were two broken hearts on that phone call. I had hung up the phone and dropped to the floor and cried. Cried so hard I couldn’t breathe. But I had to pull myself together because I had my kid to take care of. I had been living in a different state through his suggestion but with all that had taken place I needed to get back to him. I needed him to look me in my face, to see the hurt he cause, to see the damage his creating for our child. I needed to look him in the face to decipher what was lies and what was truth.

Through his apologies I had decided to go against my better judgement and stay and make amends. This would be no easy feat, he was no longer trustworthy, I was labeled crazy as if I was causing my own demise. At this point I was checking his phone constantly, every nook and cranny was not to go unlooked. There would be times where I wouldn’t find anything and a little sense of relief would come over me. I would think “ finally this is it” and then the next check I’d find something. The damage was done, I was broken and I still am. There was a point where I was addicted to checking his phone, when I didn’t check it my heart would be racing along with my mind, my hands would shake and sweat, my heart would ache and my soul would cry. I went through six years of cheating and it changes you in a way so non-repairable. It took six years to finally walk away and stick with it. It was hard letting go of someone I loved so much but I no longer felt loved. I realized I loved him more than he loved me. I wasn’t what he wanted and I had to come to terms with that. It broke me, I had been three kids deep into this, body officially changed, left feeling like nothing but garbage. Feeling so used and unlovable, I felt like he used me and then made it impossible for me to have anyone love me the way I deserved because now I was just used baggage. His cheating changed me so deeply that I remember almost every single girl that had infiltrated our relationship and hearing their names make me relive pain all over again. I hate their names, I hate hearing it and seeing it, even if the person isn’t them and just has their name, a ball of hatred and pain fills my heart. For the longest time sex wasn’t the same, I couldn’t be intimate with him without having images of him with these other women flash through my head. Oh the images, all day every day, reminded… reminded… reminded! On social media someone I knew always knew one of these girls, it was like a nightmare I couldn’t escape. One of the girls he physically cheated on me lived two blocks down from him. So every day I passed her street I was reminded of EVERYTHING. It was an endless torture and we are three years post cheating and I am still damaged. I still have images pop into my head though not as frequent, I still feel such anger when I think about it all, and everything and anything can make me relive it, the worst is when someone tells me about how their significant other is cheating. It took a while to stop randomly bursting out crying, and one point I just knew if my heart experienced another ache I would die. Its unreal to feel your heart actually shatter and just sink but that’s exactly what happens. I am forever changed and forever damaged, I will always have these scars and the memories will never fade, and you will never know this exact pain.

Kay Mclean
Kay Mclean
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Kay Mclean

I am a wife, and stay at home mom of 4 little monsters and a furbaby. I love Dc and Marvel Universe, animals, and learning different languages. Currently just living on a prayer!

See all posts by Kay Mclean