Dealing With The Grief of A Breakup

I was sitting up in bed until 6 am, manically doing weird things and feeling hollow. But 10 months on, I'm writing an article about it and I feel OK. Even the depths of despair have their escape routes.

A breakup can send you into a grieving cycle that is hard to break. You are losing a person who once felt essential to your life. You are losing the bubble in which you two encapsulated all your memories and feelings for one another.

This is my personal experience and obviously, I am not an expert. I just hope I can reassure a few people who are swimming in the same endless cave I was.

1. Take breaks from your thoughts

Focus on an activity that doesn’t remind you of the other person. Something that enthrals you and takes up space in your mind to the point where it's difficult to break your concentration. It's a break from pining over every moment with your ex.

No, it's not listening to sad songs. It’s tempting to lull in your sadness and make yourself cry with something depressing romantic but this only reinforces your romanticisation of this person's memory. It’s a kind of self-centred pain that you might come to enjoy if you let yourself. So don’t! Give it at least a few months before you indulge in a rom-com or that indie-rock album you love.

Activities to try: I would recommend playing video games, painting while following a beginners tutorial or doing a puzzle or board game with a friend (Dominion is soul-sucking). Do something that requires a level of skill and completely seizes your attention.

Download Duolingo and complete a few language lessons. Follow along to a fun dance workout on Youtube. Focus on the activity and allow yourself to take a rest from your grief. I went bushwalking with another single friend a lot in this period. The difficultly of the hike took all my attention for a few hours.

2. Be picky with your love life

Don’t go on shitty dates. Now, this is kind of hard to control. But don’t go for the person that hits you up on tinder and says “hey I like talking better in person, come over.” NO.

Spend time selecting and then texting to assess if this person is worth your time. If you aren’t a good texter, take pictures of your day and send them. You may learn unexpected things.

Communicate in other ways like watching a movie together while messaging and discussing it as you go. It is a little tricky starting it at the same time but doable. I found this is a way to connect with someone from afar and see if we clicked without having the pressure of getting physical.

3. Confide in a journal before your friends sometimes

Write down your thoughts, instead of blurting them to friends first. This is a good way to get your thoughts in order before you exhaust your friends with your constant flow of emotions. A good friend should be there for you but they have their own life and you don’t want to wear them down.

Write your thoughts down and wait a while. If you still feel bottled up, definitely contact a friend for support. You don’t want to stretch your friendships in this period too much.

4. For GOD sake, delete the photos of your ex from your phone.

You can't have photos of you and your ex in arms reach. You normally only take photos of the good times. This can skew your perception when revisiting the relationship. There is a reason you aren’t together and it’s reason enough not to only see the good in them.

You have to remind yourself of their bad sides too and this is near impossible when your best memories together are at your fingertips. If you want to keep the images, upload them to Dropbox or a USB and give it to a friend. They can give back the login or the drive down the track when you are feeling more stable.

5. Don’t force back your tears.

Have a good cry. Have many. As long as you are taking breaks to enjoy activities, it's healthy and OK to confront your sadness. If you keep the pain in now, it will only resurface later on.

6. Manage your expectations

Don’t expect yourself to get over it quickly. Grief is a spiral you will keep coming around to it. But grief is also circular, it never gets smaller but once you build more new memories and meet new people the grief feels smaller because you are growing. Trust the process. Time is repairing your pain slowly by giving you new opportunities and memories.

Also, you can't expect to find someone else fantastic right away. Remind yourself that you would like to take a break from relationships even if your impulses are telling you otherwise. Sometimes you can't trust your gut. Your gut will take shortcuts. It is great to live without the expectations and ideals of another person for a while.

Being able to wholeheartedly be your flawed self with no-one watching. You deserve to take a break to look after yourself. Being single is not a character flaw. In fact, being single and sure of yourself can be empowering as hell. You want to take time now so you don't drag any baggage into your next relationship. DON'T MENTION YOUR DAMN EX WHILE YOU'RE ON A DATE. Think of this article and save it for your journal.

6. Take a daily walk

Even if it is 10 minutes, take some time in the fresh air for a quick reset. Crying a lot can make you feel fatigued, so getting some fresh air can help energise you again.

7. Clean up your sleep hygiene

If you are having trouble sleeping, take some melatonin and magnesium before bed. Wear an eye mask that completely blacks out of your surroundings. Throw out that old pillow and get a better one. Wash your sheets. Do 20 minutes of reading before bed. I recommend something light and easy to read because you may already be feeling mentally exhausted.

8. Believe that you are still worthy of love and you are already on the path of healing!

Looking for a new job or have some spare time? Check out my tips on getting started with pet sitting.