Dating - The Compromise Conundrum

The road to discovering a compatible life partner is filled with all sorts of obstacles that we need to overcome. To begin with, we need to make sure that the chosen mode of transport is best suited for the terrain. The vehicle (in this instance, you) needs to be well maintained both on the inside and on the outside. You can't drive in an environment that requires you to use your windscreen wipers if they are unable to keep the windscreen clear enough for you to see through. This is the same when it comes to our outlook of ourselves and relationships. In order to have a clear view of the road ahead, we have to be sure that we have upgraded the wind screen wiper blades. In other words, do the work internally to ensure that you can see people for who they are as opposed to merely a projection of our own insecurities, fears, and shortcomings. In most cases, we have a bad habit of overly romanticising a person/situation in order to fit in with our ideals.

To Settle...

You hear it all the time. People are constantly saying "never settle" or "know your worth" but what does that actually look like when all you want is to settle with someone, anyone that will at least look your way and find you remotely attractive? After all, we just want to be loved, right? Wrong! Well in part. Settling with the first available person that shows some sort of interest is the quickest way to end up in the arms of manipulators and narcissists, generally emotionally immature/unstable people. Settling out of fear will only lead to the realisation of more things to be fearful of. These emotional predators love to prey on men and women who are ready to just settle down for the sake of not being alone. There are some of us that decide to stay (settle) in relationships for that very reason even though we know that the situation is toxic. We don't think twice about taking our cars for a yearly service to make sure that it runs smoothly and this is something that we need to do on an emotional level as well as a physical one to ensure that we are always operating from a place of love and never from a place of fear.

Perhaps you are reading this now thinking, "yeah ok that sounds fine but how do I know that I am settling or selling myself short?" This is a question I used to ask myself all the time. First I thought that if my preference was a man who was well over 6 ft tall, then if one who was 5'8" came to ask me out that it would be settling 'cause he is not my ideal. Whilst this is fairly true (in a physical sense), I have come to understand that this is also where we get it drastically wrong. Now let me clarify this a little further: everyone will have the physical attributes that they find attractive. This is part of life. However, when looking for a suitable partner it is more than how tall they are or what kind of job that they do. So in a sense by focusing more on the physical attributes, we are settling! By ignoring the most important aspects of a person's character, repeated behaviour, and the way they speak to/about others, we are denying ourselves the chance to connect with someone on a deeper level. Instead we look at the physical attributes that seems they would tick all the boxes and then we settle for their bad characters. When people say "NEVER SETTLE," this is exactly what they are talking about. Never overlook red flag behaviour traits (spite, controlling, manipulative, inflated sense of self importance, etc.) as these are the very things that will still be there long after that person has slouched over in old age or when the honeymoon phase fades. As mentioned above, in order to be able to see the faults in someone else, you have to be ready and able to accept your own flaws and shortcomings.

...to settle for...

According to the online Oxford Dictionary, compromise is defined as "An intermediate state between conflicting alternatives reached by mutual concession." In other words, this is when two people who have different life experiences, different upbringings, and completely different definitions of what normal looks like... are able to come together, acknowledge and accept the differences exist and then work together to find middle ground that works for them both. It is a lot harder than it sounds but also a lot easier than we are led to believe.

This kind of maturity, understanding, and flexibility is worth settling for provided there are no other major character flaws. So whilst there is the notion that settling is never an option, I think compromise is a form of settling that can only be done when the conditions are right. I look at it much like baking a cake. You can place all the ingredients in a bowl and shove it in the oven. That cake will not rise. It may not even bake evenly or at all. But when the ingredients are measured out precisely, the oven is set to the right temperature, that cake will not only rise beautifully, it will also have the right texture and will be moreish. That is exactly how it feels when we settle for the right person.

Settle down... happily ever after?

Everyone wants that happy ending. What that happily ever after looks like will depend largely on that person's version of a healthy, happy relationship. Settling down does not mean having everything your way or constantly arguing, trying to get the upper hand, or being petty. These are all signs of an unhealthy relationship. Settling down with someone means being able to accept yourself for who you ACTUALLY are beneath the mask you wear on a daily basis. Only after you have truly done that will you be able to truly accept someone else and ultimately make the commitment to compromise, share, and love without condition.

"A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece." Ludwig Erhard