Crash N Burned

It has been about a week since we communicated. I am ridiculous lonely without his company. A face on a screen 5000 miles away was still better than absolutely nothing . Now I have nothing and no one. I was obviously completely naïve thinking I would just simply find someone else after 15 years with my husband. I thought I had found my someone else. It turned into something else.

I thought I would travel . Haha on me. I really did think I would finally get a chance to explore the world. All I ever wanted was freedom and to travel freely. I can't believe the plan was so perfect. That wait for months ached . The trip was booked. Was.

How did you do this to me world? It just isn't fair. Life isn't fair.

No trip and now no one.

He ruined it all . His interest in American politics was more interesting than me to him. I do not agree with his views. I tried to brush it off. I tried changing the subject numerous times. He always brought all conversation back around to anything political.

He is obviously a racist and I can not deal with a small minded mentality.

I can not continue a conversation with someone that is determined to see things only their way. I have my way and he has his. I just do not want a part of his way.

My entire life has fallen off a cliff this year. He has his parents and not much has changed for him these past few months. I wonder what it is like to just sponge off the parents. I have never been given the opportunity to have any help at all from the people that insisted that I exist. I now know that no one cares and anyone that says someone cares is flat out lying. NO one cares at all. Some of us are more valuable than others. I am worthless. I am only valuable when I am dead and my children get to cash in the life insurance policy that my ex insisted on getting right after we were married.

I have no friends at all. I devoted every waking second to taking care of my children. My two older children are now grown and I do not hear from them much. I only get messages or calls from my daughter when she needs something. That is all. I have one left to raise through his teenage years ahead. The toddler years with him were absolutely brutal . This child never slept at night and fully expected entertainment round the clock from me. It left me in tired daze all the time. His father was too busy to be of much help. The responsibility all fell on me. I knew there was something different with him shortly after his birth. He just was uncooperative about everything. He would try to rip handfuls of my hair out while I held him for a bottle feeding.

He ate his crib. He bit huge chunks of wood out of his crib. I had to order special coverings for the rails on his crib because he insisted on trying to eat it. There seems to be much help available to autistic children but a huge void in ADHD help. I begged his behavioral therapist for a babysitter recommendation and never got one. My child is very smart. I never left him with a sitter ever. His aunt and uncle were never available and I would have paid them for a tiny break. They have no kids themselves and obviously did not want to be an actual uncle or aunt. They just liked the name title. Birthdays and holidays rarely resulted in any kind of gift giving effort on their part.

And now I am stuck at home with my difficult child. Not much adult interaction. I only have my few personal clients and two whole days out in the world at work. I would like to work more but it's just not possible. I would like more clients but I lack skills in marketing and the market isn't what it should be. I am ever grateful for my current clients and current work. I love where i currently work. I like being treated like an actual person.

I absolutely regret getting a divorce this year. I wanted one for years . I wanted to not be yelled at by a man that claimed he loved me. NO one has ever really loved me and the way things are going no one ever will. I love me even if no one else does. Life is hard . It could be worse. I know .