Lost

I feel lost every day. I am still waiting to find myself after divorce and this period of uncertainty. I have all these boxes to sort through. I discover a different piece of the puzzle of my old life every time I sort though a box. I have no motivation to complete this task . It is difficult to see old things in a new place. I have all of the family photos. I guess he did not want to keep any around for a reminder. It hurts finding photos of us together. There were such high hopes of the future together. It was not meant to be.

My purpose has been lost. 20 plus years of being the automatic default parent round the clock has ceased. My youngest child lives with his father now. I must accept this. I have accepted this. I have not accepted that I am not needed like I once was. No one told me that kids grow up and that parenting is less hands on. My oldest is married and lives far away with his wife. My daughter is the middle child. She has been having a rough time lately . I don't think she knows what she wants to do besides art. She is an amazingly talented artist.

My entire life fell off a cliff in March. In December I had returned to work from a years long hiatus. I was always told that if I did not like how things were going then I should just leave. I was in the process of finding my footing and getting my life together to potentially move on and live alone.

I had to get my own insurance policies. I had to learn to take care of myself. For many years I put me last. It seems I have to think of myself in a third person form to get my needs met by me. I have to think that Jessica needs this or that. I have to think of myself as some sort of extension of a human. It is so hard when suddenly I only have myself to care for and look after. For many years I had only dreamed of having less to do and less commitments and more me time. I now have an over abundance of me time and I have no clue what to do with all this extra time. I just get very sad and mope a lot. I know it isn't healthy. It hurts the most being lonely. Because of circumstances out of my control I am an orphan. I have no one that cares for me and I am alone all the time. My own thoughts are rather unkind . It is very difficult to shut down my own negative thinking. I am my own worst enemy.