Confession: My One Regret Exposed

I have one tangible regret. Never wanting to be the reason someone hurts, I make it a point to try my hardest to never be. I'm not saying there isn't a few (probably many) people who go around telling "This is why I hate her" stories, but their recollection of it is usually biased and not 100 percent correct. The reality is the fault is usually 100 percent mutually culpable, with the exception of this one time I am about to divulge to you. I have never really shared this in its entirety with anyone, but one person, and I am feeling increasingly anxious as I type. It needs to be said, so here it goes.

Back around 2009, I was married to my late husband, but he vanished for about a year. You may think I mean, we separated or he moved out, but it was not quite that simple. He walked out one day, and it would be a year before I would hear from him at all. The kids and I grieved him then just as we have since his passing. He could have been dead, or with another woman; he could have been anywhere and I had no knowledge of where that could be. I wish I could say this was the only time, but it was only the longest with bouts ranging from a few days to months he would be gone.

I didn't just jump into seeing other people. Marriage to me was and will always be a sacred bond between two people and even though he was not in my sight, he was still my husband. I was still married, emotionally, physically and 'spiritually.' The last one is the kicker. To me a marriage begins not when you have a ceremony or officiated contract signing. It begins when you look at this person and know it will kill you if you never saw them again. When you put their happiness, or needs before yours. It begins when you forgive them the unforgivable, and begin to love them unconditionally.

I started dating other people when the anniversary of him leaving approached and I had still heard nothing from him. I met my one regret at that point.

He was young (too young), beautiful, and one of the most endearing souls I have ever met. I met him at a bar I would frequent when I lived in Midtown. Since I had been out of the loop so long, it was the first place to come to mind. The familiar is always comforting. He was a waiter there as I had been years before. We talked, and we laughed until the next morning. For those hours, I didn't feel like the broken woman who was literally discarded and wasn't even worth an explanation. It was one of the pivotal memories I would look back on for the rest of my life. We'd have never ended up together, because I am a mother, while he was still at the beginning of his music career. We were always heading in two different directions, but he was a 'soul mate' in that we were supposed to cross paths and have this moment.

About a week after, I walked out to my mailbox and inside was a letter from my husband. He wanted to talk, he asked for forgiveness. You can probably guess what happened next. I met him to talk, I forgave him, and we decided to date each other again. The first place he wanted to go was the one place I never wanted to go with him. The place where our appearance together was hurtful to this beautiful soul who saved me when I was drowning. And it was. Was it the worst day of my life? No, but it was in the top 10 right up there with the day Ryan died, and when my father had a stroke. I hurt this person, and it could’ve been prevented.

We, of course, lost touch that day. If he ever finds this I hope he knows I felt horrible about it for years, and would take it back if I could. His career did take off; I found out when I discovered his work online. He’s still young, beautiful and talented and he is living a life so magnanimous it seems surreal.

He has finally found the love of his life, and I just buried my husband. It is crazy how you can trace the karma of your bad actions in hindsight. I didn’t feel then, nor do I feel now I had another choice once he was introduced to the triangle. I don’t regret meeting him. Not in the slightest. I regret ever doing anything to make him not feel like he genuinely is the amazing creature he has always been.