Complimentary, My Dear Person...

"Wow; you look so much BETTER!"

"Looking good, dude."

"Wow; you're losing WEIGHT! Are you feeling alright???"

Okay, the last one is traditionally meant as concern; NOT a compliment. However, you get the message.

How many times since starting this FitBit journey has family marched right up to me and decided to GREET ME with "Wow; you look so much BETTER!" (By *better,* they mean THINNER; and, either way, it gets me thinking "Whoa; what the Hell did my own FAMILY see BEFORE?" [Besides of the obvious of "Worse/Fatter."])

Let's face it: some people are really good at serving "compliments" with such a backhand that you have to wonder if they were tennis pros in a dream sequence/former life.

But is every "compliment," no matter HOW backhanded it may sound, really an INSULT?

...Long story short, I've always dealt with a complex about my body image. Believe it or not to look at my reflection today, I spent the first 7-8 years of my life being called "grotesquely UNDERweight." My family, in their infinite wisdom and care for me, had to DO something.

Enter a "protein" mix that was really only meant for adults; and, then, in small doses...

Presto; "manboobs" and grotesque weight GAIN (that was, naturally, NEVER the fault of a protein substance that anyone had ever given me in their infinite care and concern for my well-being).

Also in their "infinite care and concern for my well being:" "Lose weight."

...Okay; let me just (rub a magic lamp/say the right prayer on the right evening/loathe myself at this weight for the opportune amount of days) and...

Nope; still there.

Many people view the tie between "body-image and SELF image," the type of nightmarish message that LEADS to eating disorders, self-loathing, or any number of other issues, as prevalent in teenagers and especially in young women. Being thirty-six at the time, male, and morbidly OVER weight for the past couple of decades hadn't stopped me from these struggles. I already knew how family saw me as they "helpfully" told me so; I saw how peers treated me (be they other guys who rarely gave me the time of day or women who never returned my interest in them) and could only see ONE contributing factor to keep me in the "friendzone" with women and as barely an acquaintance to all but a few of my fellow "brothers."

Everyone wants to be accepted by their peers; and I could see only one thing keeping me from that...

...It turns out that you can't be "TOO MALE" or "TOO OLD" to have self-esteem issues interconnected with body image. I seemed to be having an issue getting acceptance from my peers (as I understood "acceptance"); and family was brutally honest about only ONE issue...

Let me back up here a moment because even I understand this: "...No one else is responsible for MY SELF-image or SELF-perception. A person can freely use words or actions however they wish; I let them affect me in my way. To pass my SELF-image off onto someone else would just be foolish."

...We're back. I struggled with my self-perception all of my life. By Christmas last year, I was going to DO SOMETHING about it...

My FitBit functions fine as a step-tracker and for my recording my water intake in a day; I'm feeling motivated now. I DO still take umbrage with logging FOOD to look back at that later and watch my calorie intake skyrocket.

That being said, this has been working. I'm seven months in and 30 pounds under where I had been for ages; maybe even more (I DID choose this journey the year after a pandemic of comfort eating and no gym OR job; and I began this right after CHRISTMAS EVE/CHRISTMAS dinners).

The scale reads that I'm lighter; all that I know is that I'm getting weaker in my muscles (huge drawback to weightloss: "Muscle burns faster than fat; so I'm stuck in a catch twenty-two when I go to the gym and am faced down with the trial of the weights before hitting the pool.")

Also, my public FitBit Journey presents another issue when people do not know how to comfortably express how impressed they are with the change.

• "Wow, you look so much better!" (My father, or my sister, for at least five uncomfortable minutes).
• My mother praying to God to "help me lose weight;" as the dinner table prayer.
• My folks quizzing me on the calorie intake (if not snatching my "Boost" drinks from right in front of me and reading the label for themselves).
• "Are you SURE that that's ALL you want?" (Yes, thank you; at [age,] I've been preparing my own plates for a while now).
• (At Family Reunion) "Hey; how's it go...?"/"WOW, YOU LOST WEIGHT!" (Yes; yes I have).
• "Are you losing weight?" (50/60/70 year old MAN in the Gym Locker Room).
• "Hey; you're looking BETTER all of the time..." (MALE Locker Room ATTENDANT).

...I have yet to see my surviving grandmother again (the one who famously blurted "Boy, are you FAT!" six years ago) since Easter and I've continued to change since THEN.

What do I say to ANY of these?

...I'm a realist and INSULT requires "intent." I have a shaky feeling that these folks all MEAN what they're saying as legitimate encouragement to me. Besides, it's only as awkward as I let the situation be (albeit that a five minute conversation about my weight loss isn't one that I look forward to; and definitely not in the gym locker room). I DO owe sincere compliments equally sincere gratitude! And just because I'm not hearing this too often from my friends...well, they also weren't the ones who came right out and said that my body image was an issue to them; THAT was speculation. (Besides, most of my friends in town now, if they're not coworkers at the gym or ice-cream shop, work in the food service industry at one of many favorite local establishments. What are they going to say to me as I settle in to treat myself with a soda and meal [oh, and that water, of course]...?)

Finally, last Tuesday, I had the chance to get together with my Brother Knights of Columbus and their families once again (this was to be the Christmas Party/Awards Banquet that we lost out on back in January). I've been seeing quite a few of my Brother Knights at meetings or service events; many of the WIVES haven't seen me as recently. Of course my drastic change came up again; and, this time, it WAS my peers doing the talking. At this point, I was in a celebratory mood, simply happy to be breaking bread again, and was willing to talk about what I'm doing. (Besides, THESE compliments were coming about 48 hours after I had just shared "breaking" my fifth weight loss goal [by one pound; that I am now proceeding to vacillate back and forth on. It's WHY I usually wait until I'm 2-3 pounds under a last goal before showing that off to make it easier to avoid constantly hovering over/under my last goal). Anyway, I'm learning now and THEY mean, however awkwardly, a compliment that I can respond to in kind.

It can sometimes be difficult to know what to say and how it's intended; and those types of "compliments" don't only have to do with a person's weight. Besides, it's not as though I have mastered the well-intentioned compliment to always be heard the desired way...

• (Favorite waitress explains idea for Halloween costume) "Nah, I'm not seeing it; you're WAY too PRETTY to be a 'Karen'." (The joint Halloween costumes shared between her and her comanager, two women whom have dealt with more than their fair share of "Karens" over the past couple of years, were nothing short of amazingly creative and, rightly, were huge hits).
• "Wow; you're pretty AND smart!" (...Other favorite waitress at OTHER favorite establishment).
• "You know; I'm glad for you that you're this busy; people DESERVE to know about this place and the work that you all do here!" (As restaurant is understaffed and workers are overworked).

While I identify what I have just said very shortly after it slips out, then apologize profusely, I've already been given the benefit of the doubt and been forgiven. Those ARE the types of friends that I have. Maybe I owe others around me simply trying to pay ME a compliment (however awkwardly) the same? I mean, it's not as if I'M always so great with words myself...

The author, as always, thanks you for the compliment of a read/react. He may not be always the best with the words he says; he is striving to be better than THAT on the page...