Choices

Warning: Includes Drugs/Overdose

Here I am again. This must be my third or fourth time sitting here. I stare up at the ceiling wondering how many more times it would take before I run out of chances. While I'm waiting I stare up at the pale white ceiling tiles. The sound of beeping and other machinery. I'm not only hooked up to a heart monitor this time, but also a dialysis machine to clean my blood.

What was it this time? Was it the heroine? Or the coke? Maybe it was the two whole bottles of vodka I downed, or perhaps it the oxy? It was impossible to tell. I had gone another binder the night before. It was like a monster had invaded my body and I simply couldn't stop taking whatever I could get my hands on. Why didn't I stop?

I sighed softly and rubbed the bridge of my nose. I could feel an oncoming migraine. The doctors said it would probably happen as I'm detoxing. I had detoxed before but it never felt like this. The only other person in the room that I could ask for help was my mother.

"Mom... can you get me a glass of water?" I sighed softly and turned my head to the right looking at a far table that had a vase looking thing full of ice and water.

"Of course baby." She smiled softly at me and patted my hand before standing up and walking over at the table. Just watching her walk filled my heart with much regret.

My mother was a small women, at least the way she bent when she walked made her look small. Her previous dark brunette hair was now silver. Her usual soft skin was replaced with wrinkled and a case of arthritis in her hands. I suppose that kind of thing happens when you get older. I also wonder if that happens when you are taking care of your thirty-two year old son who is constantly abusing drugs. Had I done this to her? She was still in her nightgown and a big black coat to keep her warm in this cold hospital room.

She sat back down next to me and held out the glass of water. I grabbed onto it but before I could pull it to my lips I felt a weightlessness take over my mind. It felt as though I was free-falling and I was unable to stop it. I could hear the glass shatter to the ground and the sound of my mother's screams, but they sounded like they were miles away from me. I couldn't control my body at all. I couldn't move, I couldn't get my lungs to work, nor my heart. Everything was falling out of my control. Eventually everything went completely black.

When my mind finally returned to normal, I heard neither the sound of the heart monitor or the sound of the dialysis machine. I could not hear my mother's screams or the sounds of doctors. I could not feel myself in the bed. Rather I felt warmth all over my body, it felt like summertime on my skin. I was at peace. I had never had a drug that made me feel quite like this. Maybe for a brief moment, but nothing like this. I heard the sound of something, I couldn't quite make it out at first, then I realized it was the sound of a train horn.

I finally opened my eyes. It was incredibly bright at first. My eyes needed time to adjust. I had spent way too long in the dim light of my hospital room. I looked around and noticed that I was sitting in a dark red colored seat. When my eyes adjusted the first thing I noticed was the window right next to me. I looked outside and just saw a beautiful bright green meadow. It was covered with red poppies all over the meadow. It was quite a beautiful sight to see. I lifted my hands to touch the window but before I could I was interrupted by a female voice.

"Mr. Kyle Asher?" I blinked rapidly in a bit of a surprise. When I turned around I saw a beautiful brunette lady that was wearing a white shirt under a dark blue vest and a dark blue skirt that went just barely past her knees. Her dark brunette hair and smooth skin reminded me of how my mother used to look when I was younger.

"Yes." I replied a bit stunned.

"Where would you like to go?" She answered back. Her lips were curved into a smile but her tone was rather dry, as though she had to say the same thing over and over.

"Pardon me?"

"I will leave you to decide." She smiled even brighter before barely bowing her head and walked towards what I assumed to be the front of the train. I stood up to stop her but she disappeared before I could get a single word out.

I sighed exasperated and for the first time noticed what I was wearing. It was a dark black suit with red poppies just like I had seen in the meadow outside the window. The suit was tailored to fit me perfectly. It was surprisingly comfortable. I had never been comfortable in a suit before today. I sat down and looked at my hands. They were no longer thin and ashen. My body was filled out and I was no longer skeletal. That couldn't be right. Only minutes ago I was hardly able to lift my head out of the hospital bed, now I looked healthy again.

I looked out the window and tried to figure out what was going on. I knew for a fact that only moments ago I was sitting in a hospital bed before everything went completely black. Was I dead? This didn't feel like I was dead. I imagined death to be some kind of grand experience. I would be met at the pearly gates in the clouds. I did not imagine a train, or a women that I did not know being there. What was with the meadow that went on forever, and all the poppies? Is this what heaven is? Just a ride on the train for forever?

"Imagination."

The man's voice that suddenly invaded my thoughts made me nearly jump right out of my skin. I turned around and saw a similarly dressed man sitting next to me. He had his legs crossed over each other and his hand was resting perfectly still on his lap. His skin was so bright he looked like he couldn't have been anything but a mannequin. He turned to me and smiled brightly. His teeth looked pristine. Was he someone else riding the train? Why was he here?

"That is what the poppies mean for you. Imagination." He turned his head so he was no longer looking at me, but he still had a smile on his face that unnerved me to the core.

"Who are you?" I finally asked, though I was unsure if I wanted to know the answer.

"Me? Well... let's just say I'm here to guide you. You have a choice to make."

I blinked rapidly once again. I didn't understand what he was talking about. What choice did I have if I was already dead? I expected him to say something else but he just sat there completely still. The way he sat there silent and unmoving made my heart race in my chest. It was beating violently against my ribcage. "If I'm dead... what choice do I have?"

I expected him to immediately answer me, but instead he let out a gut-wrenching laugh. It was the kind of laugh you would usually experience after a very well told joke, or the kind of laugh you would have after a few drinks and find everything to be funny. The laughter grew louder and more manic. I felt as though I had suddenly stepped into a horror movie. Why was he laughing at my death.

"Oh dear boy, you are not dead, at least... not yet." He finally stopped laughing and answered.

He held out his hand and a bunch of small blue lights began to dance around his fingers. It was a magnificent sight to be seen. They trailed down his fingers and in the middle of his palm formed a bright white ball. I had to shield my eyes for a second in order to withstand how brightly it became. When it started to dim I looked into the ball and I was surprised at what I was seeing.

Instead of my mother crying tears over my dead body, I was hooked up to a ton of machines, including an oxygen mask. I could no longer hear the sound of the dialysis machine but I could hear the heart monitor. My mother was calmly holding my hand but she was also reading a book by my bedside.

"How long have I been like that?" I questioned curiously. I had only been in the hospital two hours before I woke up on this train. How could my mother be so calm so quickly?

"You have been on life support for two weeks." He answered me back.

I couldn't believe it. It felt like I had only been on this train for a matter of minutes, yet in reality I had been lying in bed like that for two weeks. I took a deep, shaky breath in and pulled away from the orb. I sat back in my seat and tried my best to comprehend what was going on, yet I was not able to. I couldn't imagine how two weeks had already passed. How much longer would my mother keep me on life support?

"I guess it's true what they say about true artists." He broke the silence once again. I turned to him and he had closed his hand and there were no longer swirling orbs around his fingers. He had placed his hand back into his lap and he was sitting there calmly once again. At first I was confused by his statement, but after thinking about it for a moment I realized what he was getting at.

"What? That we are all tortured?" I laughed softly and shook my head. "That is not what happened."

"No. I suppose not. You made a choice."

I hadn't really thought about it before. I never imagined that my drug use was a choice. I figured it was something that I had just been born into. My mother was hooked on xanax while she was pregnant with me. My father was an alcoholic. I just assumed that it was something deeply engrained in my DNA. I never imagined that it was a choice.

"So?" That was all I could manage to conjure up my words to say. I tried to exude a sort of carelessness to my comment, but I imagine the tremor in my throat that gave away that false confidence.

"So... I am giving you the chance to make another choice. You can either go back to the living, or you can follow this train to The Forever Land?"

I finally turned my view to look at him. I was surprised to see that he was also looking back at me. He no longer had that smile on his face from before. Instead his lips were curved down in a frown. His eyes no longer held a brightness to them. Instead they seemed completely dead. It made my stomach squeeze as though I hadn't eaten for many days.

"What's The Forever Land?" I ultimately asked, though just by the name I could guess the answer. "Is it heaven?"

"Hmm." he scratched his chin inquisitively. For several moments he remained quiet while he scratched his chin. I was getting anxious for him to answer. "I suppose you could call it that."

"You suppose?" That didn't seem like a definite answer for me.

"The Forever Land is what we can "The Land of Forever" it means that once you get there, you can never leave. However, it is peaceful, quiet, and you can make it anything you want it to be. Everyone has their own idea of Forever. Until you reach the absolute end of your days, when you body can no longer carry on, you have a choice. You can choose The Forever Land, of you can choose to go on."

"It's that simple?"

"Simple? It is death dear boy, it is Forever. Death is meant to be simple." He looked down at his hands for a moment before he looked back at me. "Life is a choice, death is not. Choices are not meant to be simple, which is why it is reserved for life."

I leaned back in my chair once again and I thought about those words. What choices do I have now? I could go back, and I could choose drugs again, or I could choose to sober up and finally live to my full potential. I could also choose to die now instead of later, and go to this peaceful place this man was talking about. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what this place would be for me. I could not imagine it. Instead I looked out the window and stared at the meadow as we continued to ride next to it. My Forever Land could be a field of poppies and easel after easel for miles to be seen. Is that what I really want?

"I will end up there eventually... won't I?" For the first time since being on this train my voice was completely calm.

"Indeed you will, but it is your choice when that happens."

"Then I choose to go back."

The man looked at me with a surprised look in his eyes. For a long while he stared at me as though he couldn't quite understand the words that I said. His eyebrows were raised up and his eyes were wide. I opened my mouth to once again say what I said, but I noticed his eyebrows lower and his eyes become smaller. For a minute I thought he was disappointed, until a smile breached his lips once again.

"You have a lot of life in you Kyle Asher." It was my turn to smile. No one had ever said that to me before. On the streets you get a lot of looks as though you are on the brink of death. You do no often hear someone say that there is life left in you. Most people are just waiting. They wait for the time when you will no longer come around asking for drugs. I hadn't smiled in a really long time, and it felt good.

The man patted my shoulder before he stood up and stepped out into the walkway. "I will inform Ms. Freya." He bowed his head and held it there for a long time before he started walking. For a instant I thought about asking for his name, so I would know who to thank when I woke up back in the hospital. Then it dawned on me, this man is not meant to be spoken, for he is no more than a mouthpiece for Forever. I bowed my head back and when I lifted it up I could no longer see him.

For one last second I turned my head and looked out at the Meadow. The word 'Someday' crossed my mind before I closed my eyes for the last time on this train, at least for now. I faintly heard the sound of the train's horn before I felt my body once again become weightless, and the feeling of freefalling overtook my entire body. I couldn't feel a single thing for what felt like moments on end. A static sensation overtook my body and my lungs began to burn. I was fighting to breath.

I took in a very deep breath and opened my eyes. I could once again see the pale white of the ceiling tiles. I struggled to lift my hands and it took all of my strength to push the oxygen mask off of my face. When I finally did so I took in another large breath of air, no longer fighting with the mask. I heard the sound of footsteps next to my bed and a familiar warmth grabbed at my hands. I only had to breath in through my nose and smell the mature scent of my mother's perfume.

She must have alerted the doctors that I had awoken because pretty soon there was a doctor in a white coat and a nurse in a similar coat standing next to my bed. "Vitals look good, and he's breathing on his own. We got through the worse of it. He should be okay now."

"Oh thank God!" My mother cried out and lowered her head to my hands. I felt a warm, wet kiss against my knuckles. I was so busy looking at my mother that we both hadn't realized that the doctor and nurse had vacated the room so it was just the two of us. "Thank you baby. Thank you for coming back to me." I could feel her wet tears start to fall upon my hand. Her relieved whimpering warmed my heart a little bit. I was so happy. For the first time in years I could only be thankful to be alive. For the first time in forever. I was truly, graciously alive.

"I made a choice mom... and I would make it again. I would always choose to return to you."