Chemistry Vs. Compatibility: the relationship choices that plague us

The other day I watched a short video clip that Jay Shetty shared on Instagram. In the clip it showed how chemistry is this huge determining factor that prompts us to put in the effort and vulnerability to date someone. However what winds up happening is that later down the line there are all of these fights and arguments about our needs, values, and morals that come into play and they then overshadow the chemistry we felt was so important in the beginning. That is when break-ups occur. The harsh truth is there can be all of the fiery passionate chemistry in the world but it doesn’t matter if the things that matter most to you are not prioritized in the relationship. Chemistry only holds the relationship for so long.

This sentiment reminds me a lot of a phrase I’ve come to use pretty often to describe genuine love within romantic relationship; “Love is not red, it’s blue”. When you break down colors in the way that they are used to determine personality types and how they evoke feelings, the color red is used to describe passion, indulgence, excitement, and war. Blue is a color described as mellow, cool, calm, peaceful, comforting, or sometimes sad. When used to describe love or relationship I believe love should be blue.

We are given the idea of passionate and dangerous love through TV and movies. As women we love the bad boy, the Don Juan, the Casanova, the hot guy that’s misunderstood. Men love the femme fatal, the siren, the badass women who is confusing and misleading. These are exciting and dangerous love affairs that evoke passion and sexual feelings that a lot of us have grown to believe will be the glue of a relationship. We think that butterflies and the chills that go down our spine when we see the person we find ourselves attracted to indicates that this person is “the one”.

However in real life this isn’t true. What we don’t see in the movies is that the reality is passion runs out. Passion and excitement are the reason why honeymoon stages in relationships exist. They’re so beautiful and fun but when those stages are over the newness and the idea of the person we fall in love with eventually dies out the longer we are in relationship with them. We realize that the reality is this person is flawed, they are different from you, and they express love in a way that differs from you.

This is why it’s important for love to be blue. Love that is blue is realistic and withstands the test of time. In understanding that we go on to pick better partners. I have so many friends who pick the fun but troubled person who makes them feel excited but then the relationship later falls short because they realize that although the chemistry is high the compatibility is low. Compatibility is having similar interests, parallel ways of expressing love, and similar life values and morals. People who are compatible usually communicate better and navigate the natural ups and downs of life as a couple.

People who only have chemistry usually lose feelings or interest when the newness rubs off and the they realize they don’t find any of the same things important. Now I know what you may be thinking: “Nori I can’t just date someone who I have no chemistry with”. I hear you, but what most people don’t understand is that chemistry is not that hard to create. You can create and build upon chemistry. With compatibility it’s something that is usually there or it’s not. There is no molding or shaping a relationship in that area. That’s why it is important to get to know the true person that you intend to date APART from the chemistry.

People who have been in long term relationships and marriages will often tell you that their relationship is not full of butterfly feelings, but more so full of peace. Butterflies are just a combination of excitement with the feeling of danger. Anything long term should always feel like peace. Feeling at ease or like your complete self around a partner is a good sign of compatibility and a long term relationship. This is why I say love is blue and not red. Real and lasting relationships should send a wave of calm over your mind and body. It comes with reassurance and respect. It comes with feeling safe. When you really work at the relationship you will have spurts of red or even purple as you begin to mix the two.

Your greatest love will be a balance of passion and peace. Essentially, your love will be purple and whole. Many of us won’t get to experience this in our life time because we’re only chasing red and we haven’t caught on to our unhealthy core beliefs. But it is important to know that with work this love is possible. I wish that kind of love for all of us. A love that allows room for growth, provides peace and security, and speaks or souls language. That love doesn’t just happen, it is built from the ground up with trust and a mutual understanding.