You know how it is, when you start to suspect something, but you just can’t quite prove it. The little signs are there, your mind is going crazy, but he tells you you’re being silly.
As time goes on you are driving yourself mad and there is just nothing you can do about it. He keeps playing it down, calling you possessive and jealous and you start to doubt yourself.
Why won’t my mind fall quiet? Why am I talking to myself as though I’m talking to someone else? It is like I am going crazy. I can’t get through a day without a running commentary in my head and a series of questions that keep repeating themselves each day.
For months I kept doubting things and he kept trying to be extra nice to me. I started getting flowers again and little gifts here and there. The Sunday morning breakfasts in bed were a great way to relax together and these were the extra good things that made me doubt why I was questioning him. Why would he make such an effort if he didn’t care and there was somebody else?
Then there were the late nights and the times he wouldn’t answer the phone. He would get stressed and ignore me and then apologise later, but at home he always put his phone on airplane mode. Who does that! Either you are hiding from some dodgy people and you are involved in something shady, or you have someone on the side.
Baring in mind this had gone on for so long, I hatched a plan to go through his phone. I knew it was a bad idea, a sign of no trust, but I just knew there was something going on. So he cane in and I made out I was feeling unwell. He asked if he could get me something and placed his phone in charge as normal. I asked him to pop to our nearest supermarket which was a ten minute drive and quickly as I really need some medicine and something cold like ice cream.
As soon as he left and I heard the car speed off down the road I logged into his phone. I counted to ten before opening up his messages and I saw nothing so then I felt stupid. Next I opened messenger and there it was.
A conversation with a woman who I knew as his cousin. She was always nice to me and I just thought the banter they had going on was natural. I never saw her as a threat. He had stayed there when he was stressed and they often met up for a drink and at times with me to.
The pictures and chat that I was seeing now though, was far from innocent. The explicit content was making me sick. How could they do this? She knows about me and doesn’t seem bothered.
I find a message dating back about a month ago, where he is reassuring her that she is more important than me and more beautiful than me; beautiful flowing blonde hair, tiny cute lips, tiny arse and sexy laugh. None of these things he ever says to me. He tells me I need to tighten my arse and could do with using volumising shampoo, which he brought me.
I felt so sick right now! A new message pops up on the screen from her; I just felt the baby kicking. I wish you were here to feel it to. I can’t wait for us to have the perfect little family. I think he’s gonna be just like his daddy.
I put the phone down and my heart sunk to the pit of my stomach. I had been right all of this time, but not only that, they were expecting a baby together.
My head was spinning and the last thing I wanted to do right now was to talk about anything. I got a back and chucked an outfit for work etc in it for him and put it outside our front door. Then I locked the door from the inside and out the chain on.
When he came back he tried to get in, but I ignored him. It took him a while to realise the bag of clothes was this. He thought I was asleep and wanted to wake me up. Once he saw the bag the penny dropped.
He started telling me to let him in to explain and to pass him his phone, but by this point I was on the phone to her. She was apologetic, which was pathetic because she knew everything between us and to pretend to be my friend and be sleeping with my man is vile. Turns out she was not his cousin and they had actually been on and off with each other before he even met me.
Hours passed and the knocking had stopped. I had sat in bed and cried myself almost to sleep. I then get a message on my phone from him on her phone! He obviously found his way there. He was trying to apologise and even said he loved me. What kind of relationship do they have?
After a few days I invited him over to collect his stuff. He brought her along, but nothing they said bothered me. I don’t know why or how he could do this to me, but I knew it was not my fault. I didn’t deserve it, but I know that in years to come this will prove to be a valuable experience in my life. This will make me stronger and they will never last.