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Chapter I - Hello Paris, hello me

by Bérengère Balteau 3 months ago in humanity
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So I guess I moved to Paris...

If there is one thing, I am sure of at this right moment... Life can be funny. And perhaps, this is why I love it so much.

I have always wanted to start an online journal. Obviously, not to disclose personal information, although I do not think it would be much interesting to read, but to reflect on the thoughts, the ideas that come to my mind daily… And perhaps, a part of me has always wanted to become a Carrie Bradshaw ( minus all the toxic aspects of her personality… sorry, not sorry…)

A month and a half ago, I moved to Paris. Yes, you did read that right. I moved to Paris for a job, which was one of the most complicated processes I had to go through. Yet, If I am being honest with you, there was a sense of righteousness, a deep knowing that I will be alright, that installed itself within me from the moment I read: “ We would like to offer you this position”.

I would be lying if I said I had acknowledged this feeling immediately. Because I genuinely didn’t. I just knew I had to move out of my hometown and move on with my life. I had to start this new chapter of my life. It is scary, though, it truly is, and I have cried so much because of this significant change.

I have made my mother cry solely because I was crying myself. I remember the second morning in Paris when I saw her leave while I had to walk to the metro station; I was fighting so hard the tears because I had to keep it together until coming back to my bed at night and let it all out.

Weirdly, at the beginning of my contract at work, I fought the idea of loving it so hard. As I am working in what one could call “ an anthill”, “the Manhattan of Paris”, or “ a corporate hell” without truly working in corporate, it was difficult for me to adjust and be truly feeling the job at first. Having a passion for anything related to Art, History and tourism in every shape and form, I was disappointed at first. So naturally, I have handled the situation as I always have ( not that it is an excellent way to react): I have closed myself socially. I was not engaging at first in conversation with my colleagues, not really caring, although I love that they directly asked me to go have lunch with them every day.

The thing is, I quickly became annoyed with myself because of that. I knew I was better than that. Although I cannot control external factors, what people think of me, for instance, I can still control where my thoughts go, how I react to things, and what I desire to see in my daily life. So I did, and I still do every day. But I am only human, so some days it is complicated to redirect my thoughts to more productive destinations. But I guess I need to rejoice that I have genuinely started this work on myself, and only for myself.

So I guess what I have been meaning to say all along is this: I don’t know much of what will happen in the near future, as I have been trying to teach myself how to properly let the unknown in without having to control everything, but what I know for sure is…. I have never been happier trying to steady myself in the little things that truly make me happy. And that, dear you, is worth all the little things that could make me hate Paris.

Until then,

With all my love,

B.

If you want to read more from me...

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About the author

Bérengère Balteau

And I have spent hours wondering what to write here but, just like the sailor, I too, have found myself lost but always on my way. So I write, hoping that one day, my words will reach the red light above the cliff, and perhaps I'll know.

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