Can love be forgotten?

How many of us recall a past drama love or the most recurrent type of unrequited love? I think that everyone, sooner or later, has to face this stage during their life.

How annoying is it?! But it seems to be like a ritual that sapiently hides in mysterious dark places you could even imagine they existed and because it's so unexpected and silent and damn unpredictable, you can't have any other choices but smash yourself onto.

My 'smash-moment' happened in 2008, in my early 20's at the start of January, a few days before my birthday -the fate couldn't have been more unfortunate!- I am not intended to write here the classic young girl's sloppy and whipping love crush-crashed, instead, I would say, it will be a sort of statement of self-liberation from years of burden, or better say, from an invisible stream of memories which have been kept resurfacing since.

This person entered into my life, in a normal boring day at work. I bet that I can still remember that moment when he was getting through the door, the colour of his clothing and all the following sensation; it's still vivid in my that I blushed, saying to my self -"Where the hell is he comes from?"- With the hindsight, I yet could not find the words to define what kind of mesmerizing effect I was under. I also remember that I was reading Isabel Allende's book " Daughter of Fortune" and needless to say that it was kind of a contradiction considering all the torment that I was going to get into.

His name better not to mention, I am still a very private person, and respectful of his personal life as well. I will spare all the comic circumstances I found my self in or the boiling feeling of shyness I had at that time: we ended up working in the same office for the same company. I was the one who looked after the registration form which every employer was required to fill in at the start of their job: I would have never forgotten his car number plate and his cellphone (after so much effort, I can still say it out by heart)- That's quite worrying!

I never knew if we weren't meant to be together or we were just two singular people put together by a fate's raffle at the wrong time; I had been 'hit'! In fact, not long after having seen him, I was embedded by a sort of light and soft fog, very gentle at the same time: I could feel that took life from my inner chest up to my head and breathing. Probably I was on the right way to fall in love with him. I could have followed him anywhere until the top of the world.

Anyway, like almost all happy ending romantic adventures pattern, one day he came down to the level where I was working and after asking me some help in solving a technical problem, he invited me out for a drink; I think that my brain went blank, completely frozen: I mumbled something about the previous problem he needed assistance with didn't go down well. Everything fizzled out after seconds.

It happened that in late February 2008 I decided to quit that job because it was not a really good match with my University schedule. What a regretful choice!

I couldn't get him out of my head, for 1 whole month, until, after a long consultation with my best friend, I took the gut and wrote him a short message on his business e-mail which I still knew by heart. I was completely helpless, as the philosopher Freud attests, 'We never feel so helpless when we find ourselves pervaded by the fumes of love'. I wanted to disappear, or turn back in time as nothing has just happened.

I think it is quite predictable how the situation turned around. But not as nice as I expected: the series of the event wasn't to my side and we finished to grow apart losing contact and not seeing each other any more for 4/5 years since that crucial night.

On the whole, moral of the story, after cutting the bridge with him, I caged myself up in a long state of psychologic and sentimental anesthesia which dragged me through a soggy and gloomy tunnel; I was very sad, questioned my self every day on what could I have possibly done wrong, crying and crying every day pushing away everybody: I couldn't feel any emotion. I called this sensation, 'Discolouring of the soul'

With the time passing by, the tears started turning into a sense of restlessness. Every time I felt the strength to go out with friends, I wanted to go into the places where I used to go with him during the brief period of 'non-dating'; I was irrationally pushed towards the memory of him and everything reminds me of him. I also startled once, when, in the middle of the street, I smelled the cologne he used to wear when we were hanging out. Sometimes the tears caught me off guard flooding out my eyes and hurtle to the page of the book I was trying to read, or when I was trying not to think of him. Nothing really serious happened between us, I want to be honest, and nor even any intimate or physical contact: however, I was completely crazy over him.

Moral of the story? I felt to write down all those thoughts even though they are not even half of the sorrow I went through. At that time, I kept a blog on Messenger where I used to write every single thing crossed my mind about him and my emotions, struggling to put my self together and rationalise that period. My time at home fluctuated from my room, the kitchen and the couch.

Anyway, I felt the urge to put this stuff out for my self without any other motives: maybe, I was too naive, or I am still a bit confused, but one thing I have to start doing is to forgive my self and let it go. Over the past couple of days, my tornado from the past was disturbing me once again, so I decided to seal the 'End' once and for all.