Can Autistic People Find Love?

Dear Readers,

Today, I will be asking the question, "Can Autistic people find love?" This has been a question about love that those on the spectrum have asked for many years, because it seems like for some of us, the chances of finding love and being in a relationship and even getting married are very slim or even zero. Many people on the spectrum are mystified by why non- Autistic people will not date them or fall in love with them, let alone stay in a long- term, committed relationship with them. And many traits of the spectrum include, but are not limited to, the difficulty understanding emotions, difficulty with social cues, and the challenges with communication.

First, let us look at how communication and reading social cues are harder for those of us on the spectrum. Autism Spectrum Disorder causes a wide range of challenges, including communication barriers and difficulty with social cues. Because communication is harder, we have more difficulty being able to tell if someone has feelings for us or vice versa.

Because we have trouble communicating and getting our thoughts to come out into words, this makes forming and keeping relationships harder for someone on the spectrum. This is because we may not understand each other's communication styles. Trying to understand each other is the key to a healthy relationship, but some people on the spectrum have trouble understanding each other, let alone a partner who is neurotypical. What is very frustrating is when one partner expects me to understand the expectations and then they get angry if I don't do something right.

The kinds of barriers that Autistic people face also include having difficulty with social cues, resulting in possibly missing signals that someone really likes you. An example of this is that I gave hints to my first crush and he did not get any of the hints. I was trying for a whole year to get him to take the hint that I really liked him. I even put two straws into a large slushie for the both of us at the movies.

When I realized that he wasn't getting it, I just had to tell him on the phone in a private conversation, because there was no way to tell him in person, because he was always in groups of people. He was taken aback by that, because he had no idea anyone could fall in love with him.

Dating someone else on the spectrum like myself came with a whole set of challenges, including not understanding each other, resulting in arguments that could have been avoided. We learned how to listen to understand, not just to respond. Many people have arguments and disagreements because they listen to respond and not necessarily to understand one another. But arguments are important to have. Otherwise, how will they be able to realize what works and what does not, likes, and dislikes?

Even though arguments are very uncomfortable, they are sometimes needed so as to come to an even greater understanding than before. Without arguments, there is something wrong with the relationship because the partner or spouse is not communicating something that is really bothering him or her, leading to discontent. But frequent arguments over really stupid things, such as how to wash dishes or fold laundry means that the relationship is at risk. If you two argue over things that really do not make a difference, then what are you doing in the relationship?

Our relationship lasted for three years because we discussed different things and tried to understand each other. We resolved many conflicts about different points of view and validated each other. But a relationship means that not only should one validate the other, but one also has to realize that he or she has to agree to disagree. One can validate the feelings of his or her partner, even if he or she disagrees and has a different opinion or worldview. Accountability is also important, because a relationship suffers if one does not take responsibility for his or her mistakes or how he or she has wronged the other person. A relationship without accountability is one which will inevitably fall apart.

Ladies and gentlemen, the topic of the future, children, marriage, and finances will come up in your relationship, so be ready to openly discuss these things. Discussing these things on the first date is obviously not a good idea, but eventually, you will have to discuss these things so that you do not run into any surprises down the line. I was talking to a guy who I was not dating and he said to me, "I despise children." I knew that this would not work, because I was not about to sacrifice what I wanted for a man who did not want the same thing. It was great to find out that he didn't like children, because that gave me an escape. I did not want to be with him, let alone another relationship which would fail. I wasn't ready for a new relationship, yet.

In discussing the future together and what you want in a relationship, you need to look at red flags and deal breakers. If your partner does not want to have children, that may be a deal breaker for you. But it can also be a deal breaker if you do not want children and your partner does. Another deal breaker could be if your partner tells you that his or her previous relationships usually last about five or six months, because that means that he or she probably never put in the effort into any of the past relationships. One more deal breaker may be if someone you want a relationship with might be that he or she isn't supportive of the LGBTQ community, especially if you plan on having children and accepting them for exactly who they are.

Another reason why you should not be with someone is if they are careless with money and drift off and play video games a lot. While nothing is wrong with playing video games, it is not good to spend all day on the computer or at the controler just goofing off all the time. If one is always in debt or is not thinking about saving for the future, then that is a sign that you should not be with him or her. It is important to have a plan for what to do with your entire life savings and to save at least ten dollars from every paycheck.

Aside from previous red flags and hangups to avoid, I also need to give you the reasons why a relationship may suddenly come to an end. My second relationship only lasted for five months, because we did not have any arguments about anything. When my second boyfriend wanted to avoid conflict at all costs, I knew that the relationship would end. But I did not want to believe it at the time, because I wanted to be loved, again. Do not settle for less, just because you want that connection. Ask yourself what you want in a relationship. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is not putting as much effort into a relationship as you are, that is a sign that you should just leave the relationship. If they are always busy, then you should ask yourself if you really want to keep this relationship or break up.

After a while, my second ex boyfriend did not have feelings for me, anymore and broke up with me the day after our last date via text, with no other explanation, other than he lost feelings for me and did not feel the connection, anymore. It really hurt, because I felt like I deserved it. I felt like I was too boring, or that I wasn't giving him enough attention. But then I looked back on it and realized that it had nothing to do with me. The problem was that he did not invest as much energy into the relationship as I did.

Aside from my two ex boyfriends, who I wish the best of luck to, I have had one guy I clearly was not interested in and just wanted to be friends with who was not taking the hint. I tried to put it the nicest way possible, but every time we would hang out, he kept asking me for a kiss. I said "No" many times. Why could he not get it? When he left for a couple of months, I finally gathered the courage to tell him how it is and stopped talking to him.

To the men out there, let me make this perfectly clear: If a woman says she just wants to be friends and puts you in the "friend zone", then she does not want any affection from you. She just wants a strong friend who is a man. She wants a man to hang out with; there is no mutual desire or attraction to you, just because she is being nice to you. If she does not want to talk to you, anymore, nothing changed; she just did not want to tell you that you were coming on way too strong.

I know that I already mentioned him and my creepy stalker back in college, and the weird men from Hot Topic. But I want to talk about why it is hard or an Autistic person to detect a stalker or a creepy guy following them and asking them questions.

It is hard for an Autistic person to be able to tell if someone is harassing them, because sometimes, it may come off as the other person being friendly. That is why teachers and caregivers should teach Autistic children what signs to look for in manipulative behavior and look for ways that someone could be trying to trick them and take advantage of them. Providing concrete examples of what is and is not harassment for Autistic people as well as what to do in those situations and helping them to see the context is very important.

Aside from that, how can we empower Autistic people to stand up for themselves? We allow them to say "No" to teachers and caregivers at times where it does not affect their safety. If saying "No" does not put them in danger, then let them say "No" sometimes. Giving an Autistic person the autonomy they deserve will give them the confidence they need to defend themselves if anyone is trying to hurt or take advantage of them later on. But if an individual is non speaking, then we should not stop them from biting or hitting, because that is the only way they can defend themselves in a dangerous situation.

Constantly telling an Autistic child not to bite, hit, scream, kick, or anything that hurts others will teach them that they cannot defend themselves if someone is trying to harm them. I agree that hitting or screaming, for example, is not an appropriate response to not getting what they need or want, but we have to teach them that it is perfect for when an adult is trying to hurt them. We cannot and should not punish a non speaking individual for using physical violence, when that is a form of communication. I agree that redirecting them when such behavior is inappropriate, but punishing them for it will only teach them that they have no say over their bodies and should allow the perpetrator to do whatever they want with them.

Aside from helping Autistic people to determine if they are being harassed or put in harm's way, we should also teach them how to know if someone is interested in them in a good way. Perhaps someone would like to be in a romantic relationship with them at some point? If so, how will they be able to tell?

Do Autistic women flirt in a way different from Autistic men or women who are not on the spectrum? A good answer to this is to examine how a man flirts verses how a woman flirts and also the differences between Autistic people and neurotypicals.

Neurotypicals flirt by using the cliche ways of flirting and asking someone out. Typically, non- Autistic men say things such as, "You seem like a nice person. Do you want to go out some time?" This is often mistaken as just being very polite and friendly to the Autistic person and not flirting. This is because we flirt differently.

Autistic men flirt differently from other men by asking questions such as, "Do you like X, Y, Z?" and very specific questions of that nature. Another way that an Autistic man is flirting with a woman is to ask to sit next to her and talk to her more than other people. This may come off as more creepy or weird, but this is actually normal because of how Autistic people are wired. This just means that he likes you.

A non Autistic woman is flirting with a man by saying things such as, "Stop it, you!", or, "Oh, you're funny!" This may be mistaken by Autistic men as a woman being very nice and friendly and not take into consideration that she thinks he is cute.

However, an Autistic woman can flirt in the same way that a non Autistic woman can due to "masking". This is because we were taught at a very young age how a girl or a woman is supposed to act, plus we are much better at observing how others act and learn a lot sooner how to behave.

As a result, a woman on the spectrum may still flirt just like other women. But other women on the spectrum may flirt in different ways. An example would be if she giggles and smiles at someone she really likes. Another example would be if she sends a blushing smiley face emoji through a text.

Autistic men may not understand the smiling blushing face emoji, as they are very confused about their meanings. To them, this is without context and has no words, so they are puzzled as to what this means. Autistic men have no place to recognize facial expressions, social cues, or emojis unless a woman points them out. Women, Autistic or not, are better at reading social cues and can tell what emojis mean.

Aside from these nuanced messages, let us ask ourselves the following questions. Statistically, neurotypicals start relationships, get married, and start families at a younger age than their Autistic counterparts. But why is this so? Why are neurotypicals finding love and getting into relationships a lot sooner that us Autistic people?

To understand this question, I have tried to observe the dating habits and patterns of the neurotypical friends in my life to better understand how they are so much more successful than me in finding a mate. I have wondered how this different breed communicates with and makes it apparent that they are interested in a relationship and let them know what they want in a relationship. Neurotypicals are truly a different breed. I have trouble understanding them. Truly, this is a fascinating kind of people who understand each other well.

I have been studying these people for years and have tried to mimic them so as to make a good impression. It is almost as if the typically developed people I know have an ability beyond comprehension to form lasting relationships and friendships more easily than those of us who are on the spectrum. It is as if God has given them the divine ability to find love and romance more naturally. I understand that non- Autistic people still have relationship problems and hangups, just like everyone else. But why has Providence not given me a lasting relationship with someone, yet? Why am I still single while everyone else I know, (mostly the neurotypicals), is getting married or already having children? What have I, as an individual on the spectrum, done wrong? What am I lacking that everyone else has?

I wish all my neurotypical friends the best of luck with their partners and future families, make no mistake. I love them and am happy for them, but I still wish I had the same things they do. I have been in two relationships with men which both failed while it seems that everyone else is in a happy relationship or married.

But Autistic people are not the only ones with the same struggle; those with ADHD, for example, also struggle in this area. In fact, people with disabilities in general have trouble finding someone who will accept them and love them unconditionally and want to be in a relationship with them.

So, are those of us on the spectrum or other challenges doomed to be single forever? While the future seems dark for us and brighter for everyone else, there is still hope. Take stand up comedian, Amy Schumer, for example. She is married to a man who is Autistic. In her Netflix show titled, "Growing", Schumer explains that her husband's Autism has taught her important lessons. "I knew from the beginning that my husband’s brain was a little different than mine." This means that the couple have been able to make the relationship and marriage work, regardless of her husband's diagnosis. She always knew that her husband was different and just accepted it, even before he was diagnosed with Autism.

This proves that it is still possible for an Autistic person to get married to someone without Autism. It is also proof that anyone can get married. The only thing still standing in the way of an Autistic person getting married is if he or she is on government benefits. This is because the government makes it hard for those with disabilities to get married, because they will take away any of the Social Security benefits if they are married or make over the maximum amount. This is still a problem in America today, unfortunately. So unless an individual on the spectrum or with another disability is fully independent, he or she may not get married, even if they really want to.

However, we just have to convince the legislators and policy makers to change the laws to allow all people with a disability the freedom to marry without losing said benefits. We just have to put up a huge fight until they finally grant us all the rights we deserve. Then, those with disabilities worldwide can get married without being punished by the government.

In conclusion, those with Autism and other special needs can find love. Neurotypicals have an easier time finding a romantic partner and getting married and starting families than those of us with Autism or other differences and challenges. Comedian Amy Schumer has a husband on the spectrum who she loves unconditionally, meaning that those of us on the spectrum still have a chance to catch up with our peers at some point. The government still makes it harder for people with disabilities to get married, especially if they already rely on government assistance, such as Social Security. Finally, if we just fight hard and long enough for our rights, the government will eventually grant us the rights we deserve. There is still hope for Autistic people to find love, get married, and even have children, as desired.