Calendar

It hasn't quite been two years since we last saw each other. Not yet.

Two years ago, this month we spent our days together - and most of our nights.

On this day two years ago, we had hiked and laughed and drank - and then took a trip a few hours away.

Late nights in the middle of June. Talking until the sun came up.

We'd have a break in August - then back at it again in September.

Then, there was that day in November. The second to last day I'd see you. A day almost exactly two years from our first date.

I didn't know at 10:45 AM on a rainy Wednesday in November of 2018 that two years later, I'd stand in your kitchen crying. That I'd walk out to my car and find a bottle of tequila and some cups and return them to you.

All I could see on that day in 2018 was the most beautiful woman ever - an energy that shone through a rainy day. When you sat down, and we started talking it felt like we'd always been sitting there, always been talking.

A year later, almost to the day, you'd hug me tight after we sat on the roof of your building - looking out over the city, making plans for a future that would never come.

On that night - the one when I left your home in tears - I told you some things. I told you I had to take care of me - that I had some work to do.

Yes, I told you that you were (and are) a beautiful human. That you deserved a man who could be fully present. That I knew I wanted to be that man, but I couldn't give that to you yet.

What I didn't know is that I deserved it. Deserved the results of two years spent making changes.

Two years taking action to change my thinking. Two years of doing instead of saying.

I think about you EVERY single day.

About six months ago, I thought to myself: I want her to see me now.

And then you reached out to me. I'd planned on waiting - calling when everything was just right.

Of course, it will never be "just right."

I'm better. A lot better. Different in ways that I believe you'll appreciate.

I'm stronger. I'm healthy.

I did it for me - though I started the path because of you.

I want to say "thank you." I want to see you and burst into tears of joy because of the gift you gave me.

I'm on a different path now, a new one - a better one. I'd like for you to join me - I'd like to see you.

The calendar says in just a few more months, it will be a full two years since I've seen year. Longer still since I tasted your lips.

You've told me where you are now, what you're doing. And it makes me happy. To know you are in a good place.

I feel like after I thank you, I should apologize - but I'm not sorry I got well. I am sorry I kept coming around in the sickness I was in - I'm sorry I drew you into all of that.

Do you know what bothers me most? That I hadn't done the work BEFORE that first date back in November of 2018.

The calendar, again. Soon, two years since I last saw you - four years since that first meeting.

If you knew the journey on that day, would you have joined me for the second date? Taken the trips we took? Hosted me in your home all those nights?

One night, you told me the truth - about me. In a way that was kind and firm. And on the next day, I started a path that would take me away from you. Really, away from everyone. It was what I needed to get well.

There is no cure - but there is a new, different, better life.

The calendar tells me that I've traveled 20 years over the last two. Sure, I'm older, heavier, balder - but I'm also healthier, stronger, and free inside.

I wish you could have met THIS me - our journey would be different - yes, different highs and lows.

I wonder, too, if we'll ever meet again - or if those two years from November 2018 to November 2020 - were those the only two years we'll have? The blip on the radar, the short chapter in a long book of life?

In any case, you wrote the most incredible words on my heart in that time - and I hope some of me remains with you.

One day, beautiful human, we may reunite - or, we may not - our days numbered at just over 700. Meeting now only over text messages and perhaps a phone call.

If you could map out the next two years, what would they bring? Will we make it a full two years without seeing each other? Will it be longer?

It will never be the "just right" time - but my hope is our time together again is coming soon.